??A Howl In The Night??
?She’s mine?
?Chapter 35?
Too Late to Back Down, Too Early to Give Up
I have no thoughts. I am experiencing a feeling—probably—but it is too hard for me to even describe, stretching beyond both words and expressions.
Xavier is kssing me, and I never thought it would ever feel quite this…. good.
Good is a pretty overused term, used to explain tons of different emotions and is placed in many contexts, but in this case the word should be taken as a mere placeholder for a reality so undefinable that I wish it would last forever. Something so strange and beautiful loses its impact through communication, which goes for many things, and can only be delivered through experience.
It is almost like the one time when I was a little girl, and my parents took me to the beach for the first and last time in my life. I remember standing there, my feet sinking into the pure white sand, in awe of the magnificence surrounding me. I could taste the hint of salt on my tongue, the wind c@ressing my tiny body. The sun would cast its glow upon me, making me feel like an angel bathed in holy light. And the water felt so cold, so refreshing, that I just wanted to simply dissolve and become nothing, emptying my mind so I could be immersed in the beauty. So I could etch that moment into my memory, and never forget it for the rest of my life.
In many ways, this moment resembles my other inexplicable experiences, but in other ways it takes me beyond a mere wish or desire. Yes, it feels wonderful, unlike a kss ever should, but the urgency of my emotions shock me more than anything else. I am in a frenzy, willing to do anything to keep intensifying the experience (for lack of a better term). There is more to my life that I must consider, but strangely all of those considerations have flown away. It is like nothing matters anymore, except for this.
There’s some sense of nostalgia that comes with this as well, something that bothered me last time I kssed him. It feels so real, but it is almost ethereal as well, like we are not only connected through our lips both through our souls as well. And even though it should be, it isn’t a new feeling at all. I get a small sense of it every time I look at him, every moment that he enters my thoughts. It just makes me wonder where on earth it is coming from.
The only thing that makes sense is that there might be some truth to the words of my companions concerning Xavier and I’s past relationship. That my memory was wiped, along with strange markings that should be on my body. That everything I believe about myself during this time has been a lie, and I’m actually a big softie with a hard shell. I don’t want to believe that Xavier is mine…or do I? Even now, the thought causes butterflies in my stomach, and I let out an involuntary moan.
“Shh,”Xavier whispers in a low, husky voice. “Do you want the rest of them to hear you?”My eyes open, and I stare at him, thinking about nothing and everything at the same time. “Don’t…look at me like that,”he says softly, leaning in and kssing my brow bone.
His l!ps touch my eyelids, trailing down my nose and cheeks. I can’t help but wonder, as I look at his face, what he could possibly be thinking. He seems so calm and measured, tearing my defenses with accuracy and not wasting a singly movement. Has he ever lost himself? I find myself wanting to know the answer more than anything else.
A warmth touches my lips, and I feel my bottom lip being gently bitten as he teases my mouth open. As soon as I do so, his tongue pushes in, and I am taken with surprise. So there is more to everything…and I want it all.
This should be really gross. I would never imagine a guy’s tongue in my mouth a day ago, or even a week ago. In the logical side of my brain, it’s all just really weird. Tongues are for eating and communicating. Mouths in general are for eating and communicating. Those human body parts have no other use, and should only be used in those given purposes. But now the sun has set, and the brightness of the moon has risen over the dark landscape. It is a new world out there, one full of mystery and enigmas with neither sense nor reason.
His face leaves mine, a hairsbreadth away from my lips, and his eyes flick upwards towards mine. We look at each other, and he smirks slightly. A flicker of annoyance flashes through my thoughts, but he kisses me before I can think of anything else.
“You…”he murmurs as we take a second to breathe. You know, because I haven’t done that in quite a while. He straightens from where he was leaning over me, some strange expression on his face. I sit up as well, an uneasiness in my heart.
“Xavier?”
“Tommorow,”he says roughly, turning his head away. “We can continue tomorrow.”
“What are you saying?”I ask him, my voice uncannily high. This is not how things are supposed to work.
“You’re mine, and I can do whatever I want with you. Which is why you are going to meet me…tomorrow night.”He finally turns and looks at me, his eyes sparkling like emeralds. I feel a little uncomfortable under his steady gaze.
“But…why not now?”I sound so tiny, surrounded by such an empty wasteland.
“I don’t want you to disappear, Mona. Every day I want the guarantee that you still want me, and that you won’t run away. So it has to be this way.”
“N-no, it doesn’t. Xavier, please…”I touch his arm, but he shakes me off almost robotically.
“Mona, I’m sorry, but we both need to get some rest. I’m not going to bend on this.”
I stand up, feeling as if I was hit by a moving train. My knees start to wobble, and they almost buckle down the small hill. I can feel his gaze on me as I vanish into the trees.
He must be playing with me, treating me like I am his toy. How did I deserve this? Now I am destined to be controlled, and more frighteningly, a small part of me actually wants this to happen. Well, maybe a bit more than a small part of me.
What in the world is wrong with me? Why can’t I just be normal and contained…and strong? I already know the answer, but I can’t keep myself from asking those questions.
The anger leaves my body along with my strength as I collapse onto an empty spot on the ground. And as the noise of the forest fades away into an eerie silence, the only thing I continue to hear is the fervent beating of my heart. I can’t help but stare into the forest, wondering about him.
And shamefully waiting for tomorrow.
* * *
I swing the spear with incredible force, hitting the large oak tree and getting my weapon caught in the middle of it as a result. My face drips with sweat, traveling down my face and body, but I don’t even care. I feel powerful when I’m swinging a sword… like I can do anything.
I am alone in the forest, surrounded by dark gray foliage and towering trees that I desperately want to topple. Doing so would ensure that I’ve taken a step forward in my training, and I can finally take a break. My frustrations, which had initially led me out here, have long since abated, and now I can feel a dull ache in my bones.
“Nice, Mona.”A voice erupts, and I whip my head around to see Ray, casually leaning on the side of the tree. “You’re getting better.”
I don’t really know how to take compliments, so I just stare at him. “You’re welcome.”
“Uh, wrong words. I think you’ve been away from society too long. The correct reply is thank you.”He laughs, and I can’t help but laugh as well.
“Actually, I’m right. You’re welcome for when I have to save your butt with my awesome skills.”I wink at him, twirling the spear in my fingertips. It shines with iridescence, and then starts to fade away in my hands.
“I wonder…”Ray says, walking closer to the faded spear and watching it with his eyes aglow. “When you and Griffin were stuck in the well, why didn’t you use your amazing skills to get you both out of there? I seem to recall you guys pretty much about to die…and us saving YOUR butts.”
“I’m not sure either.”I have been wondering about that, and it’s bothered me for quite a while. “I tried using them in the well, and it went straight through.”
“Maybe it was the materials. It’s not natural like the rest of this world is.”
“You know, you’re right. Maybe metal materials, or even just human-made objects, are not affected by my weapons. Hey Ray, you’re pretty smart after all.”
I smile and Ray grins as well, grabbing my head and rubbing his knuckle across my scalp. “Was there ever any question?”He asks me jokingly.
“Always.”I twist out of his grip, running out of his reach. “With you, you can never know what you’ll get.”
The dark fog gathers in the area, quickly almost obscuring him from my vision. I feel discomfort at how easily this place can conceal, disguising anything at the drop of a hat.
“Well, it’s lunchtime now. If you are done now, we’d really like it if you joined us.”Ray turns away, his voice fading in the roar of the wind. I nod, following him into the trees.
It’s been pretty hard, coming up with meals for the day, but we have been making it through. We passed by a small pond the day after yesterday, so we were able to stock up on fruits and get some water. Luckily, all of us have more energy than humans do, otherwise we would have all died long ago. Every day we are traveling about a hundred miles, give or take, and are gradually getting closer to the ocean. We can’t see it yet, but I can sense it, remembering it in my dreams in relation to the mountains.
I haven’t had any visions recently, which worries me because I need more evidence to connect all the puzzle pieces in my head before I can make any accurate conclusions. And at the rate we are going, I need to make some decisions about what we need to be doing very quickly. There has to be some way that I can get us out of here. Given the scarcity of food, there is no way we could live here for too much longer. Unless there’s a Garden of Eden around here, in which case we need to find it, and fast.
I step into the clearing where most of our group is gathered around a small campfire. A few logs have been placed around it for us to sit on, and Danae is pouring water from her huge water bottle that she had back from the old world into emptied fruit shells. They kind of remind me of those coconut cups that I would see all the time in commercials on TV. Seeing everyone together, laughing over something Griffin said, gives me a strange feeling in my stomach. And I am really trying to feel guilty for it afterwards, but I just can’t make it go away.
“Are you going to grab some?”Ray asks genially as we join the group. “We have a grand specialty today. It’s a delicacy, really.”
“Ooh, I can’t wait,”I say dryly, “and whatever might this magical entrée be?”
Laughing, Griffin tosses me a spiky fruit that I have grown used to over this time period. I stare at it, and then at him, and then a smile spreads all over my face.
“Looks good.”I start to peel the skin off with my fingernails. “Actually, looks great.”
I turn to scan the area and spot Xavier to my side, sitting down on the log. We make eye contact, and he flashes me a brilliant smile. He gestures for me to sit down near him. I can feel my heart beating with uncontainable voracity as I cautiously do so. The heat of his body near mine makes me more nervous than I could ever admit.
“How was your morning?”He asks me while he chews on the core of the fruit. We have all started doing that in order to get more nourishment, but it tastes disgusting.
“Pretty productive. I almost cut down a tree in one swipe,”I reply, my mouth full of fruit. I probably look like a wild bea$t right now, but I’m too hungry to care.
“That’s a huge improvement from yesterday. I’m really proud of you.”
“You sound like my father,”I reply mockingly, and then fall silent as I remember that I don’t have a father any more. I’ve been remembering a lot of my past lately, and memories of my parents have really been bothering me.
“What’s wrong?”Xavier asks, his voice close to my ear. His arm snakes around my waist, and I can sense his confidence in the gesture.
Griffin, sitting across the fire, is looking straight at me when I look away from Xavier. Strangely enough, he doesn’t seem mad or angry, but he is smirking at me instead. I blush, my whole face turning a bright shade of red. I try to shake off Xavier’s hand, but it’s impossible because of his grip of iron.
“Nothing,”I say through gritted teeth, trying not to look at him. There’s just something about looking into his eyes that makes me constantly humiliate myself.
“Aww, Mona, don’t get embarrassed. Just tell me.”He isn’t trying to keep his voice low, and I can sense a bit of exhilaration in his tone. I wonder what could possibly be running through his mind right now.
Even as his grip loosens, his hand still brushes against the small of my back, as if he’s making sure I’m still here. I finally turn my head to look at him, and there he is, probing me with his stupid eyeballs.
“I was just thinking about dad,”I say softly, knowing any of the other werewolves could pick up on my voice. If they did, they didn’t show it, making their own salads from a few patches of green leaves we got near the last water spring.
“I’m…sorry.”Xavier’s hand leaves my back, and his gaze drops.
“Don’t apologize. You didn’t even know him,”I reply, and then toss the remaining shell into the fire. I can’t help but feel touched by his concern, a warmth gathering in my heart that has nothing to do with passion.
“Yeah, but I was being insensitive.” He smiles slightly, prodding at the dirt with his shoe.
“That’s nothing out of the ordinary.”I grin slyly. “So don’t worry. I’m used to it.”
He suddenly burst into laughter, his eyes widening. “So Mona can crack a joke? I never knew?”
“Who said I was cracking a joke?”I shoot back, a little confused, or at least pretending to be. It makes me…feel happy, conversing like this without the pressing urgency that comes with a difficult situation.
Xavier gives me a dubious look, his eyebrow arched in a teasing manner. I can’t hold back the giggles, now, and I turn away from him, hoping that he won’t see my laughter.
“Well, you guys are getting along.”Danae looks at me, raising an eyebrow. I feel a little embarrassed at her scrutiny, looking at the ground. Yeah…I know. I don’t truly get it either.
“Mona can’t help but like me,”Xavier teases, “I knew she couldn’t hold up for long.”
There’s probably more truth to that than I would ever admit. “I just make it seem like I like him so I can take his food,”I comment warmly, taking another fruit out of his bag. I measuredly take the sides and rip it with all my might, splitting it down the middle.
“What a sucker,”Ray says, smiling widely. Xavier laughs in response, looking more relaxed than he has been in a long time.
Everything feels peaceful, almost as if we were sitting back in the mansion in the movie room or at the breakfast table. I can’t help but feel nostalgia as I remember the long hallways, the many rooms, and the experiences surrounding them. There are some gaping holes in my memory, but slowly I’m starting to gain some of it back. It is comforting to know that I developed relationships with this group of people before we even reached this world, that they aren’t the strangers I thought they were. Maybe I could even learn to trust them.
Speaking of this peaceful aura surrounding our camp, it’s probably time for us to get moving. My eyes leave the ripped fruit and travel upwards with the intent of addressing the group.
But then I scan the forest, my attention alerted by a flash of color to the right. At first I see nothing, but then a dull, pulsing white light, only a speck in the distance, appears behind some faraway trees.
“Hey,”I say distractedly, never taking my eyes off the light. “I have to check something out real quick. I’ll be right back.”I stand up from the log, afraid to blink at the expense of losing it from my vision.
“Mona…”I can hear Xavier’s voice behind me, but I keep going, slowly weaving between the trees. If it is what I think it is, I really need to take a closer look.
My suppositions are proven valid as I can make out a translucent shape by a tall oak tree. The Shifter is weak, its light rather subdued as the creature—what I’ve been calling it recently—rests on the floor. This one is similar to one of the first Shifters I saw in this world, with a vulnerability about it that makes me feel unsure about my convictions.
There’s something about this one that enchants me. I can’t help but feel drawn to this being, a strange emotion gripping at my chest.
I clear my throat nervously. At this noise, the Shifter jerks, as if waking up from a fitful sleep. It starts to back away, and even though it looks like a ghost, I can feel a bit of fear emanating from the creature. “Don’t worry…I…am not going to hurt you.” I venture a little closer, watching its movements. Surprisingly, it almost seems to acknowledge my words, stopping its jerky motions and opening its wide eyes. I don’t feel scared, or even intimidated. As if in a trance, I continue walking towards the Shifter until I am only a few inches away.
I crouch down, peering into the creature’s body. There is no definite shape to it, but it doesn’t have the usual intensity that a normal Shifter would have. Instead of the brightness of a monster, its eyes contain the darkness of an inner turmoil. We continue to make eye contact, I unable to break away.
I try to call on my past knowledge. Back at headquarters, at the encounter with the Shifters, I had a slightly similar feeling. There was no hate, nor resentment, that I had come to expect in other situations. What should I do? I wish there was some sort of manual that would explain everything to me, because then everything would be so much easier.
A small body of light leaves my body, surprising me with its sudden appearance. Without knowing what I am doing, my hand closes around it, trapping it within my grasp. By holding it, I can feel the compassion that I was just experiencing.
This light looks very similar to the other light that Griffin and I saw at the well. I can only guess, but it seems like these…things are essences of our emotions, somehow released from our bodies. And very oddly, without any real explanation, I felt like I needed to open my hand and offer it to the Shifter.
Not knowing what I am doing, I just slowly uncurl my fingertips. My eyes open in wonder as I survey it, watching the sparkles of light twist around a small, glowing core. Slowly the Shifter edges closer, and I can see its body tremble.
“Here. Take it.”I move my hand, and the light stays exactly where it is, shining brightly. The Shifter, however, moves like lightning to the swirling energy. Once it is at a close enough proximity, the light dissolves into small particles and then vanishes into the Shifter’s body. The Shifter in turn starts to glow, while keeping its large eyes on me.
I feel a peculiar happiness while watching this happen. While inwardly trying to put the puzzle pieces together, I also revel in the complexity and mystery of the scene before me. There is something so beautiful about this convergence that almost brings me to my knees.
So the Shifter is not a dark, shapeless void, but a soul filled with emotions and the brightness of life.
“Mona?”A deep voice whispers near my ear. At this, the Shifter scatters, disappearing into the forest without hesitation. “Why…are you crying?”
I raise my index finger to my cheek, brushing against the droplet that had been running down my face with confusion. He’s…right, but I don’t have the explanation he’s looking for.
“Xavier.”I turn, and there he is, so close that I catch my breath at his intoxicating scent.
“What were you looking at?”He asks, his breath c@ressing the nape of my neck.
“It was a Shifter.”I stare at him, my eyes wide. His gaze crawls over my body, and then his arm snakes out to support me. “Thanks. I’m not feeling too well.”
Overcome with dizziness, I lean against his chest. I am completely defenseless, as weak as a twig physically yet strong with the knowledge of purpose. I don’t have pretty much any of the details, but our fate is definitely intertwined with the Shifters, and maybe we can help them to the extent that we would be rewarded. There seems to be suffering here, which could be the root of all the strife back in the other world.
The salty air tickles my nose, and I look up at Xavier’s face. “We’re close…can you feel it?”I ask, and he nods in response.
“I can’t wait until we get to the ocean. Then we can have a beach party.”Xavier winks, making me blush. I quickly back away and straighten my body, though feeling a bit nauseous as I do so. “Are you feeling alright?”
“Yeah, sure.”I turn away, peering at the trees to my right. I can’t make out anything, but I’m pretty sure the saltiness is coming from that direction.
“Do you still want to…meet up, tonight?”He asks in a low tone, his hand pulling on my arm. It burns from his touch, but not in a bad way at all.
I can’t help but look into his eyes, and shakily give an affirmative nod. “I…mean, if it’s okay…”I stumble over my words, unsure of myself.
“Of course it’s okay.”His hand rises to lift my chin. I find myself sucked into his gaze, and he leans closer to softly kiss my forehead. “Don’t misunderstand, Mona.”
“W-what are you t-talking about?”I ask quietly, my own eyes widening.
“I want you, more than anyone in this world,”he whispers, his lips close to my ear. “In any world, I guess I should add.”His face retreats from my own, and I can see his eyes again. They are glowing with an animalistic desire, making shivers run down my spine.
“Then…why?”
“I told you why last night.”He finally steps away, and I can finally breathe again. “I know my feelings, but I don’t know yours.”
“But-“
“No. I’m not going to let you lie to me,”he says calmly, “I think I know you well enough by now that I would be able to catch you if you did.”
“That’s not what I was going to…”I trail off as Xavier turns to walk back to camp. I guess he isn’t interested in my response. Irritation sears through me as I quickly follow him, a tight knot loosening in my stomach. Time to shut the feelings off.
But seriously, I wasn’t going to lie to him about feelings or lack thereof. Who does he think I am?
“We should go, guys,”Xavier calls to the others once they come into view. Probably knowing he was going to say that before he actually did, Griffin and Ray are already packing up supplies.
“To the coast!”Ray yells, fist pumping the air in a silly burst of enthusiasm. I roll my eyes as I pick up Xavier’s backpack.
“What are you doing?”He asks, but I wave him off with my hand.
“Grab Danae’s bag. I haven’t been carrying anything for a while.”The truth is, I have gotten so tired of watching other people deal with their own stuff. Griffin and I were the only ones without bags, so we’ve had to mooch off everyone else without being much help to anyone.
Without looking at the others, I start moving quickly, trusting that the others will follow. And they do, their footsteps pounding behind mine.
It’s probably going to be a long run, but I’m pretty sure we can reach the ocean by nightfall.
* * *
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