Chapter 6

I was so exhausted but couldn’t fall asleep last night! I couldn’t stop my tears either, hence my eyes feels puffy and sore.

I don’t remember what time I fell asleep because by 2 am I was still up sobbing. I must have passed out after that because that’s the last time I checked my phone.

My heart melts when I realize that I am nicely covered with a rug. I am raising a prince and a princess here! I look around and notice that I am alone in the room.

I can hear the sound of a tv coming from the lounge. The kiddies are up already! My watch says it’s 9:30 am.

I regret waking up though. Last night I went to bed with a heavy heart after everything that happened! As if that wasn’t enough, my grandmother decided to leave me to deal with every heartache on my own.

I wanted to call my aunt but she can be very dramatic. It’s better to tell her everything when I go back.

I have made up my mind, I am definitely going to attend grandma’s funeral but I will keep my distance from family, especially my dad’s sisters and him.

I’ve heard a lot of vicious things that they’ve been saying about me ever since I left. I’m sure they won’t be happy to see me too.

I don’t really mean to stalk this man on his social media, the pain I’m feeling is forcing me to. He is staring back at me on my screen, daring me to doubt the perfection of his awesome life.

I study the face of my rapist from where he is encapsulated on my phone screen.

I can’t help but wonder if his protective arm around his loving girlfriend is a reminder that he knows how dangerous the world can be to her.

Perhaps he has found himself somewhere in the valley between regret and remorse, furiously shielding the women in his family from the scary mon$ters of the world.

It shouldn’t take loving a girlfriend to teach someone that women’s bodies are not to be owned or conquered or destroyed. He destroyed me!

A tear drop as I think about everything, my life! I wake up and go to the bathroom to release myself and brush my teeth first before joining the kids.

“Hey mom! You are up!” Asanda says calmly…

“We want to visit grandmother again! Who was that grandpa who was staring at us yesterday? He’s scary!” Andy says rolling eyes. I sigh…

“Morning my favorite people.” I say stretching my hands and they both come running to me.

“Listen guys, my grandmother was sick that’s why we visited her in hospital and not home…”

“We want to visit her again!” Andy

“Unfortunately we will never be able to visit her again…” I say and Asanda frowns.

“What happened mom, why can’t we visit her?” He ask with his brows furrowed as he stare deeply into my eyes.

I widen my eyes when I make a shocking revelation for the first time! The reality hit me so hard that a cold shiver ran down my spine.

His eyes look exactly like Thulani’s. I stare down at him with my lips gaping and my eyes are swamped. He is really the father of my kids….

Asanda has very striking eyes, they both have. They are very distinctive.

“Are you okay Amanda?” Asanda, that’s how they used to call me until they were 4.

They didn’t know that I was their mother until last year when I sat them down and explained! I am not surprised he just called me Amanda.

“I’m fine, don’t worry about me… I’m just sad that grandmother died yesterday and we will never see her again.” I say. I don’t want to lie to them.

“Oh nooo! That’s sad!” Andy… I comforted them until they calmed down.

“Oh! By the way, Uncle came this morning, he wanted to speak to you but we told him that you are still sleeping. He left!” Andy

“Okay… Thank you guys.”

“Are you going to call him and tell him that you are up?”

“I will call him when I’m ready!” I say dismissively.

After taking a shower we went out to eat with my old friend from high school.

She’s the only person who always kept in contact with me all these years while all my peers were making fun of me.

She’s the one who found me on Facebook and we started talking from then. She was hurt that I left with no explanation! I only got to explain myself today.

As the cab drops us, kids ran to the door. I frown when I notice Asanda picking up a white envelope under the door.

“It has your name on it mom.” He says handing it over.

“Thanks.” I say. This is my dad’s handwriting. I will never forget it. I remember how he used to teach me to write poems and short stories… Those were the best days of my life! I got curious, so I lock myself and open the letter…

‘My dear Amanda…

I owe you an apology, and I wish I’d offered it much sooner. I know that I’ve hurt you deeply, and I’m truly sorry for that.

I would like to know more about your experience, because I’ve come to realize that I failed to see earlier that I put you through a lot of pain.

You may be so hurt and distrusting of me that you don’t want to open up lines of communication, but I want you to know that I love you deeply and I’m committed to really listening to you and hearing you in a way I should have long ago.

One idea I have is that maybe we could talk about some of this, at least initially, with a therapist of your choice.

Of course, I love and miss you very much, but I also want to respect where you are. I hope that at some point you’ll be willing to talk with me about this.

Whatever you decide, I want you to know that I’m starting to see my role in your pain, and am so sorry for it.

I pray that you have found a way to heal the wounds I created. You are welcome to attend your grandmother’s funeral. I will send all the details.

Love Daddy.’

I can’t believe that I didn’t even shed a tear while reading this touching letter. I just wonder how did he know where I stay, but hey, he has money… he can just pay anyone to get the information. That’s my dad.


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