WHITE!!!!;The color of your heart ??????????
(A wall flower’s guide to finding God)
Chapter 28
(I will take your hand and lead you……)
I didn’t know how much time had passed when I came to in the hospital.
My head was throbbing, and it was hard to see out of my left eye. I touched my head and it was wrapped in bandages.
I winced in pain, trying to collect my memories, when Feyikemi walked into the room.
Her eyes widened once she saw my sitting form.
“Oh my….thank you Jesus!” She ran outside again and came back in with a tall doctor.
He began to examine me while I could hear Feyikemi praying silently.
“Hmm.” The doctor said, after about ten minutes of examining.
“Miss Williams, I’m happy to announce that it looks like you are on your way to a full recovery.”
Feyikemi clapped her hands and muttered another thank you Jesus.
“The blow you suffered knocked you out, giving you a grade 3 concussion. You’ve been out for a few hours too, and although it looks like you will make a full recovery, you’ll have to remain in the hospital under supervision for at least three weeks.”
My eyes widened.
“N-no….th-three we…weeks? I have t-to resi….t the integrated exam n….next wee…k….”
I saw Feyikemi’s eyes begin to fill up with tears.
The doctor sighed.
“I’m afraid that won’t be possible Miss Williams. You have to remain under our supervision, and I wouldn’t even advice you to do any strenuous activity until we clear you. You’re not out of danger yet. You suffered a heavy blow and when you fell, you knocked your head on the concrete again. It’s even a miracle that you’re still alive.”
My breathing became raspy, and my head pounded like someone was beating drums in my skull.
This….this couldn’t be happening.
If…if my mother had almost killed me just for failing the exam, what…what would happen now that I wouldn’t be able to resit, and would automatically be transferred to another department?
The doctor gave another heavy sigh.
“Also…Miss Williams…..when we conducted tests on you after you were brought in, we discovered that you were six weeks pregnant….”
My brain stopped working, and I stared blankly at the man speaking.
Feyikemi was sobbing profusely.
“But unfortunately, due to the nature of your accident, you suffered a miscarriage.”
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A week passed, and I remained in the hospital.
Feyikemi came to see me regularly, bringing me news and information.
She never once failed to be by my side, and honestly, it was her presence that was keeping me sane.
My sister came to see me too, and her words, though hopeful, did nothing to lift my spirits.
“This is all my fault Ilerioluwa. I’m supposed to be your big sister. I’m supposed to protect you.”
She was crying, but at this point her tears couldn’t evoke any emotions out of me.
She squeezed my arm.
“But don’t you worry Ilerioluwa. Just wait three more years, let me be done with school. I will get both of us away from that woman.”
She had left after speaking to Feyikemi for awhile, and even though Feyi had been wary of her, I could see that she was willing to meet her halfway, for my sake.
And once again, Feyikemi was by my side, as the sun slowly set, coating the outside of he hospital in it’s yellow glow.
She smiled at me as she began to unwrap some hot amala and put it into plastic bowls.
“Mmmm this amala smells good. Don’t you just want to sink your teeth into it Ileri?”
I stared blankly at her, not bothering to answer her question.
She sighed again, and placed the food on the table.
“I wanted to wait till you were discharged before we talked but…..”
Her voice cracked and I finally turned to face her. Tears were streaming down her face.
“I’m….I’m sorry Ilerioluwa. God…I’m so sorry….for not being there for you…when you needed me the most…for turning a blind eye when I should have spoken up….for not listening to the voice of God….”
She spoke rapidly, her words being muffled by her tears.
“Why are you apologizing? It’s not your fault, and it’s too late for apologies now.”
“It’s every bit my fault Ilerioluwa. Every bit. I don’t know how I can ask you to forgive me.”
“It’s an irony isn’t it? I insulted you for killing a baby, yet I ended up doing the very same thing.”
“What…are you saying….?”
“I killed a human being…and I don’t even know whether it was Sean or Tobi’s child….I don’t even know….I should have died….why did I live?”
Feyikemi held my hands tightly, then smiled at me.
“None of what happened is your fault Ilerioluwa…even though I know I can’t change or remove your guilt right at this moment…..but I just want you to know that.”
She was suddenly so calm, and her unusual calmness gave me a sense of peace.
“EVEN THOUGH YOU RAN FROM ME ALL THESE YEARS, I WILL BRING YOU BACK TO ME, AND SHOW YOU JUST HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU.”
My eyes widened, and I knew in that moment that the person speaking was no longer Feyikemi.
The voice and Feyikemi’s entire persona changed into something magnificent and Gloria, and it was too beautiful for me to tear my eyes from it.
I blinked, and the feeling was gone, replaced with Feyikemi’s teary eyes.
I scratched my head, wondering if my head injury had caused me to just hallucinate.
“What- what about my mom?”
I asked, trying to change the subject.
Feyi sniffed.
“The University authorities talked to her, but she was unrepentant, at least that’s what I heard. You know no one can really get involved. This is Nigeria, not some foreign country where we can just arrest her for assault.”
“She didn’t even come to see me.”
“I don’t want you to dwell on that Ileri. Just focus on getting better.”
How could I not dwell on it?
My own mother almost killed me….just because I failed an exam.
“Ha- have you heard from Sean at all? Or Tobi?”
Feyi sighed again.
“No, not really. I haven’t seen either of them, and I don’t think they know what happened to you. If they did, I’m sure they would be here to see you.”
I highly doubt that.
I turned away from her, a signal that meant that I didn’t want to continue the conversation I had started.
She held my hands again.
“It’s going to be okay, Ilerioluwa. I don’t know how, but I believe that it will. No matter what happens, and I know you don’t like hearing this, but you’re still the apple of God’s eye, and I believe that He still has a plan for you.”
Tears streamed down my face.
Apple of God’s eye?
No way.
Not after all I had done.
God didn’t want to have anything to do with me, and He had shown me so.
I was all alone, left on my own to pay for my sins.
And I deserved every bit of the pain I was receiving.
We always hear stories of people having to forgive others, even For mentor, that Miss Rika, her story was all about how she came to forgive her father.
But what do you do when you can’t forgive yourself?
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