WHITE!!!!;The color of your heart ?????????
(A wall flower’s guide to finding God)
Chapter 40
(I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me…..)
I stared at the people before me, all gathered around my sister’s immobile form, ready to pray and pour out their heart’s desire to God to save her, and yet I couldn’t open my mouth to join them.
“Ileri? Did you hear what we said?” Rista asked, getting up from her seat and walking up to ne.
She reached for my hand, but I yanked it out of the way.
“What’s wrong?’
“I…. I’m sorry….I’m sorry….” I muttered bitterly.
“Sorry for what? Ilerioluwa what happened?”
Both Julia and Rista were looking and sounding understandably distressed.
Their worrying voices, my sister lying lifeless on the bed, it was all too much for me.
I turned and ran, bolting out of the hospital and not looking back.
I continued running, and eventually flagged down a cab, telling the driver to take me as far away as possible from the hospital. I could feel my phone buzzing in my pocket and I knew that the people I had left behind must be calling me, but I yanked the phone out, switched it off and shoved it back into my pocket.
I felt the trickling down my face as I buried my head in my hands, sobbing quietly.
I didn’t know how much time had passed, but I felt the cab come to a halt and looked up.
“Why did you stop?” I asked the driver, my voice hoarse.
He looked at me through the mirror.
“I figured you needed to clear your head Miss. So I brought you here. This place always helps me when I have a lot on my mind.”
I looked around. The cab had stopped at the parking lane of a small secluded beach.
I wiped my face then stucy my hand into my pocket to pay, but the driver waved me off.
“Don’t worry about it Miss.”
I got out of the cab and began to walk onto the beach, feeling the sand crunching under my feet, and sinking into my slippers.
The beach really was Serene and secluded, and I found a good rock to sit down, calmly taking in the beautiful rolling of the way especially back and forth, while the sun was slowly setting beyond the horizon.
What on Earth was I doing right now?
I felt so alone, and like a huge disappointment. My sister was lying on a hospital bed and I couldn’t even open my mouth to pray for her!
Had….after all these years….had nothing really changed?
Okay, I decided to analyze it carefully.
In the first place, why were bad things still happening to me? I thought that God was on my side now. So why was Itunu lying in a coma in the hospital?!
I ran my hands through my hair, feeling frustration tearing at my lungs.
I wanted to scream.
I felt so tired, and so hopeless.
In just an instant, all the courage, resolve and faith I had built up was crumbling down like a pack of cards.
There was nothing I could do for the people I loved.
For Sean, for Itunu, and even for Tobi who I had hurt.
Was I not still as worthless as before?!
I buried my face in my hands and began to sob.
The air around me shifted, and I felt someone sit beside me.
It was an elderly Nigerian man, wearing the traditional Yoruba agbada.
I wiped my eyes and greeted him respectfully.
He smiled at me.
“Why are you crying?”
I sniffed.
“My life is falling apart.”
The old man chuckled.
“And whose fault is that?”
I bit my lip, but didn’t respond.
The old man sighed, then took a stick and began to draw a circle in the sand.
“You know what happens to someone who goes through life without God? They go round and round in circles, always ending up back where they started, never making any real progress.”
I stared at the sand, blinking severally to get the tests out of my eyes so I could see better.
“And there are many reasons why a human being can try to live life without the person that gave them life. But whatever that reason is, it’s never valid. But I’ll hear yours. What’s your reason?”
I sniffed again.
“I sinned, and hurt people I loved. But I know that God has forgiven me! Everything has been going so well so I know that He doesn’t hate me. That’s why I don’t understand why everything is suddenly falling apart.”
The old man chuckled.
“How do you know God has forgiven you? Did you actually ask for forgiveness and receive confirmation?”
“No…but….it’s because I was feeling too guilty to talk to God, or to even pray. I felt too dirty and like my sins could not be washed away.”
“But you said now that you know God has forgiven you. So what’s stopping you from talking to Him?”
“I guess…. there’s still some guilt left. But that shouldn’t be a reason for bad things to still happen….”
The old man gave me a knowing smile, a smile full of wisdom that came with age.
“My darling girl, don’t you know that, having a relationship with God is different from knowing Him alone? You haven’t yet made your peace with God the right way, and shielded yourself with the blood, and as such you are still prone to attacks. The lack of prayer and communication with God made you a walking Target for the enemy, and trust me he will strike in order to bring down your faith like this. Yes things might be going well for you, yes you might be receiving blessings left and right, but God is doing these things for you so that you will no longer stay on the fence, but rather come over to His side fully, not so that you will feel comfortable without Him, thinking that you don’t need to talk to Him.”
My mouth dropped open.
The old man continued.
“You see, God loves us unconditionally, but the enemy uses all tactics to let us distance ourselves from Him. In your case he uses the guilt of sin. Even though you’ve realized your mistakes, there’s still the nagging feeling that your sin is too great for God to forgive, and that is what is keeping your mouth shut. But why don’t you give it a trial and error?”
“Trial and error?”
“Yes. Why don’t you try asking for forgive first, and see whether God forgives you. No harm no foul right? My dear, until you mend and fix that rift between you and God, no matter how many good things happen to you, you will remain like a lead in the wind, swaying yo and fro and never staying in one place. You won’t be grounded and your faith won’t be strong. God has been throwing little stones at you to get you to come back to Him. All the hope, faith and love you’ve received so far is His way of showing you proof that He still loves you, and not many people get that chance. So many people die without experiencing God’s love.
Your relationship with God isn’t solid yet, Ilerioluwa. Not until you let Him back into your life completely. Repent of your sins, and talk to Him. He will listen.”
Tears had already begun to fall from my eyes before the old man finished.
I bowed my head and began to sob, and even before I rose it back up I knew that the old man was gone.
Oh my God.
God had even sent His angel to appear to me and talk to me.
Why?
Why did He love me this much?!
I didn’t deserve His love!
But yet His mercy spoke for me!
I am a sinner!
But yet His blood is there to wash my sins away!
Would heaven really jubilate if I gave my life back to Him right now?!
I opened my mouth.
Several derogatory thoughts a$$aulted my ears, trying to force the words back into my throat.
But I had had enough.
I was done running away from God.
This was my own big fish that had swallowed me, just like Jonah.
I wasn’t going to let myself get devoured by the world.
I wasn’t going to remain on the fence anymore.
I wasn’t going to let my sins separate me from God anymore!
“God, please forgive me for all I did in foolishness. I love you, and I know you love me. I give my all to you. Take control of my life. Take the stage Lord, and have your way. I’m just a vessel Lord, and nothing more…..”
My words and tears dissolved into songs of praises.
I laughed and cried and sang like a mad woman, feeling an otherworldly peace envelope me, so wonderful that I felt it in my bones, in every part of my body.
I couldn’t stop smiling.
This peace!
It was so amazing!
I wanted to shout, I wanted to scream, it was better than anything I had ever felt before.
Better than the pain or pleasure of sin.
One thought rang through my head, I wanted my sister to feel this peace too.
I prayed, harder and longer than I ever had before.
Feyikemi always said it.
Talk to God Ilerioluwa!
No wonder she was always so “God cr@zy!”
No wonder she was always preaching the word and could only talk about God!
Who wouldn’t after feeling this kind of peace? Everything else faded in comparison.
“Come unto me, all you who are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”
I felt as if my old self had been washed away, and as if I had become a new person entirely.
Even my skin and hair felt fresh!
Time passed, and I didn’t notice, after all I was in another world right now!!
When it finally got so dark that I could hardly see, I brought out my phone and switched it on.
There were about fifty seven missed calls from Sean.
I smiled.
My Sean.
I had expected more calls gan.
There were other missed calls from Julia, Rista, and even Feyikemi.
I had some messages, but I ignored them to call Sean back.
He picked my call as soon as it began ringing.
“Jesus Christ! She has called me Julia!”
I heard Julia mutter something in the background.
“Where on Earth have you been Ilerioluwa?!! Have you gone completely b0nkers?!”
“I’m sorry….”
“Where are you now?”
“I’m on my way back.”
“Come straight to the hospital.”
“Why?”
“You are such an idi0t. God, I feel like kssing some sense into you.”
I giggled.
“What happened Sean?” Seishun sastsbasaron.
“Ilerioluwa. Your sister has woken up.”
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