WHITE!!!!; The color of your heart ?????????
Chapter 33
(I’m not sorry I didn’t stop loving you…..)
I walked grudgingly into the apartment, my mind still hazy from.the day’s events.
I had met Sean again, after six whole years, and honestly I didn’t know how I felt right now.
More importantly, I didn’t want to feel anything, because I knew if I felt anything I would become expectant, and any expectations would be obviously met with disappointment.
“Ilerioluwa, where have you been? It’s almost nine pm.”
My sister’s voice cut into my thoughts.
She stood before me, arms crossed, staring at me like she had just caught me stealing from the pot.
I sighed.
“Rista was in the hospital. I went to see her.”
“And you took this long?”
I narrowed my eyes at her.
“Did you need me for something?”
I saw her clench her teeth.
“Must I need you for something before I can be worried about your safety?”
I bowed my head, already feeling her anger seeping through the air.
What on Earth was I thinking answering her back like that?
“I-I’m sorry.”
She hissed.
“There is some food left for you in the fridge. Microwave it and eat.”
“How was school?” I called out after her retreating form.
She turned back to me, her eyes twinkling.
It was hard to believe that she was the same person that had just been scolding me.
“So much fun! I can’t believe the freedom we both have here. It feels like we’ve been living in a cage our whole lives, we have been so restricted, we didn’t even have the freedom to die.”
Her eyes were blank and serious, and I stared at her open mouthed.
“That’s…..an odd way to look at it.”
I muttered quietly.
She faced me, her eyes narrowing.
“Didn’t I tell you to go and eat? Do you plan to starve so that I would take the blame for your death?”
I gulped, and hurried away from her, heading to the fridge.
As I scarfed down my dinner quietly, many thoughts rang in my head.
With all that had happened, I seemed to have forgotten that my sister had once tried to commit suicide, and that we had never really been able to find out why.
I guessed that I must have been totally overwhelmed, and was just now realizing that she was still irritable, and had those excessive mood swings, where she would seem like two totally different people.
I sighed to myself.
Maybe….now that we were abroad, I could find a way to get her to see a psychiatrist.
I finished my dinner and threw myself on the bed.
I picked up my phone to dial Feyikemi’s number, but before I was able to, she called me.
I smiled.
It must be some sort of best friend’s intuition.
“Hello? Feyi?”
“Babe! How you dey na? How is obodo oyinbo treating you oh?”
I giggled.
“I dey oh. I was just about to call you gan.”
She laughed from the other end.
“Can you imagine? And I just thought that let me waste my credit on this girl.”
I laughed again, and we both began chatting.
Ehn hen, Feyi, you’ll never believe who I saw today.”
“Who?”
I could hear her voice rising in excitement.
I took a deep breath.
“Sean. I saw Sean Feyikemi.”
“It’s a lie.”
“Would I lie about this?”
“Wow!!”
“”Don’t shout joh! You will wake Itunu.”
“Hmm! Hmm!”
“Did you just hear what I said?”
“Ilerioluwa, do you know I had a revelation some days ago that you would meet Sean in England?”
I rolled my eyes.
“Wowwww” I responded dryly.
“I’m serious oh! I didn’t want to tell you because I knew that Sean was still a sore topic for you, but Ilerioluwa, I believe God is doing something.”
I scoffed.
“Doing what? With someone that hates me? He is only punishing me.”
“What happened? What did he say to you?”
I picked at my nails.
“He greeted me, then asked me if I was free on Saturday, and collected my number.”
Feyikemi was silent for some seconds.
“Feyi?”
“Do you know that you are a big fool Ilerioluwa?”
“Ahhhn.”
“Why would he bother asking for your number if he hated you?”
“He’s just being courteous.”
“See, if I take my hand and slap you from here, you will receive the sense you threw away.”
“You’re not okay.”
“I’m serious oh Ilerioluwa. Don’t push him away. This is too much of a coincidence to not be God’s doing. I believe God is trying to heal you of your hurt, and help you forgive yourself. I know you still haven’t been able to pray.”
I bit my lip.
I didn’t want to believe her.
My guilt wouldn’t let me.
Sure, maybe Sean might have forgiven me for causing him to sin, but how would he feel if he found out that I killed his possible child?
And would I na go on to be happy when Tobi was still out there too?
“Anyway, I have to go Sha. Enjoy your day. Oh, I mean goodnight. Shabi it’s night there?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay oh. Goodnight Ileri.”
After she cut the call, I lay on my bed, musing on her words.
I decided to put them out of my head when my phone dinged with a message.
It was from an unknown number.
It read,
‘Hello.
This is my number.’
I squinted my eyes.
Who could it be?
Another message came in.
‘Oh, Sorry. It’s Sean.’
I sighed, remembering that I had given him my number.
‘Good evening.’ I typed back formally.
He replied almost instantly.
‘Did I wake you?’
‘You sent me a text. That’s not enough to wake me.’
‘Oh.’
I waited for awhile, and another message came in, as I had expected.
‘I want to ask if you’ve eaten, but I know that is a cheesy pick up line, and a lame excuse for me just to keep this conversation going.’
I giggled involuntarily.
The boy was still an idiot, even after all these years.
‘You haven’t changed a bit Sean.’
‘Really? Everyone else seems to think otherwise.’
‘Maybe they’re right.’
‘Or maybe they just don’t know me as well as you do.’
I felt my insides churn after reading the message.
What exactly was I doing right now?
‘So, about Saturday…’
I was ready to call off the whole meeting.
I didn’t like the way talking to him was making me feel.
Feelings I had long buried were forcing their way back up.
‘Yes, about Saturday, I don’t think I’ll…..’
‘You cannot back out now. It would be rude.’
I but my lip helplessly.
The last thing I wanted to do was to seem rude.
‘Okay, I’m sorry.’
I placed the phone down, slapping my head.
How had he known I was planning to ditch?
His message came a few minutes later.
‘You haven’t changed as well Ilerioluwa.’
????
I found myself getting annoyingly excited waiting for Saturday.
Sean had told me where we would meet, and I was pissed when I found myself unconsciously picking out clothes to wear.
I eventually just decided to roll with it.
Just this once.
I would see him just this once, and then I would set things right.
I made my way to the fancy restaurant, and met him already inside, waiting for me.
Well, he was early.
He looked so dashing, wearing a beige turtleneck over ankle length pants and a trenchcoat draped over the chair.
I gulped, forcing myself not to ogle him.
He looked up and his eyes lit up when he saw me.
“You’re here.”
“Yes. Sorry for making you wait.”
“Don’t apologize, I was early.”
We then proceeded to order our meals, Sean ordering for me when I was about to disgrace myself.
We began to eat in silence, and I squirmed uncomfortably.
I looked up from my plate and saw Sean’s eyes on me.
He seemed startled to have been caught staring, and he quickly averted his eyes, his cheeks slowly turning red.
I felt my stomach flip over.
He cleared his throat and slowly wiped his mouth with his napkin.
“So….uh….how have you been?”
“That question is getting kind of old isn’t it?”
He chuckled lightly, and my heart raced.
“I was getting tired of this awkwardness between us.”
I hummed in response.
I just had to be nonchalant, pretend as if I was just reuniting with and old friend.
“So, what have you been up to these past six years? And just what on Earth are you doing in England?”
I began to narrate the whole ordeal to him casually, and his eyes widened in interest.
“Wow.”
He said, when I finished.
I had also convieniently left out the part about me suffering a miscarriage.
“That’s a lot to take in. So, you couldn’t retake the exam because you were injured? I’m so sorry. I had no idea.”
I smiled sadly.
“Even if you had, it wouldn’t have changed anything.”
“Maybe not, but at least I would have come to see you.”
I flinched at his words, then looked up, meeting his eyes.
They were full of longing, and I almost got lost in them.
I clenched my fists.
“Don’t lie to me Sean.”
“I’m not lying.”
I looked at him again, even though my brain screamed at me not to.
His gaze was soft, and he slowly began to slide his hands across the table to mine.
I stood up abruptly.
“I’m sorry, I can’t do this. Thank you for the food.”
I began to hurriedly walk out.
I could hear him calling after me, but I didn’t stop.
Blinded by tears, I didn’t know when I began to walk onto the road.
A horn blared before me, and I felt strong arms quickly yank me off the road.
I looked up and saw this Sean holding me tightly in his arms.
He smiled at me.
“Well doesn’t this just bring back memories?”
I yanked myself out of his hold, already missing it as soon as I was free.
“What do you want Sean? We’ve caught up already. Can’t you just leave me alone?”
“I don’t want to.”
My face heated up at his bluntness, but I shook it off.
“Well I want you to. So please just leave me alone!”
I saw him bite his lip.
“Ilerioluwa, that’s easier said than done. Do you know how hard I tried? I tried so hard…..but I just couldn’t…..I couldn’t stop loving you.”
I felt tears choking my eyelids.
“Stop lying to me! How could you still love me? After everything I did to you? Sean…..each moment I spend with you hurts me. I can’t stand to see you, because Everytime I see your face I remember what happened to you, how much I hurt you. So I can’t stand your presence!”
I saw his eyes narrow, and fill with determination.
“Look at me.”
He pulled my arms.
“Look at me.”
I forced my tearstained eyes to his.
“I love you Ilerioluwa.”
“No….it’s not that easy Sean. Your love will not be enough.”
I pulled my arms out of his.
“Please….just leave me alone!”
I turned around and ran, like I always did from my problems.
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