WHITE!!!!;The color of your heart?????????????
Chapter 36
(The truth inside me…….)
“Psalm 139 verse 13-14 says that, ‘For you formed me from the inside, you covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows well.’
Do you understand what this means?
It says you are fearfully and wonderfully made! Marvelous are God’s works! And you are one of them! So why on Earth would you call yourself worthless? Or why would you call yourself ugly?
If you Know who you are in Christ, you won’t have low self esteem.
If you know how God sees you, you won’t consider yourself useless.
Why don’t you remove man’s eyes, and look at that body, look at that scar, look at yourself,
With God’s eyes?”
My mouth hung open with the spoon of cerelac a few inches from my mouth.
It was a Sunday, and I was watching the love stream of the service on my laptop.
Itunu was out, she had said that she had something to do at school.
I knew that she was busy, but I still wished that she could stay and watch the service.
I sighed again, taking in the preacher’s words.
If I knew who I was in Christ, I wouldn’t have low self esteem?
I was fearfully and wonderfully made?
For as long as I could remember, I had low self esteem, both in my character and my looks.
Did God really look at me and see me as a wonderful creation? Even after all my sins?
Would my opinion of myself really change if I swear myself through God’s eyes?
I squeezed my shirt, then stood up and headed to the full length vanity mirror that stood in Itunu’s room.
I stood in front of it, staring at my reflection.
I cocked my head, trying to see the beauty in my body, in my looks, and in myself in general.
“Worthless child! Useless ingrate!”
“You’ll never be as good as me!”
“Prostitute!”
“Fat! Ugly!”
Different words rang in my head, and I turned away from my reflection.
What was I doing?
“YOU ARE FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE.”
The scripture I had just heard rang in my head, silencing all the other voices.
“I KNEW YOU BEFORE I FORMED YOU.”
I stared at my reflection.
I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Even with all my spots, and fat, and self imposed ugliness.
God is the one who made me.
And God doesn’t make mistakes.
If He knew me before I was even born, then obviously He made me beautiful!
“You are beautiful Ileri.”
I said the words, even though they felt forced and ridiculous.
“You are fearfully and wonderfully made.”
I gulped, then turned away, chuckling.
I still felt ridiculous, but under all that fear and doubt, a slight glimmer of hope was forcing it’s way through.
The African creative contest was approaching quickly, and I was juggling my regular practice along with preparing my project for the competition.
I was exhausted, but at several times Sean would send me cute messages, and they would always manage to motivate me to keep working.
Rista was also a huge source of strength for me, she never directly helped me come up with my ideas for the project, but she always gave me tips and helped me to realize the way that I should go.
Even though she was only a few years older than me, she felt like a second mother to me.
In fact, right now, I was realizing just how many people I had around me, and just how much family that God had given me to replace my mother who hated me.
Julia, Rista, Feyikemi, and Sean.
Feyikemi had always been there, even though I always took her for granted.
Sean never left me, even though I hurt him.
And Rista and Julia made themselves known to me, showing so much kindness that I couldn’t comprehend.
I was so blessed, even though I had thought otherwise.
How many people got a second chance at life after messing up?
God must really love me.
“But you’re still in danger in you don’t have a relationship with God.”
I cringed, remembering Feyikemi’s words.
Truly I was feeling very stupid, and starting to believe that God really had a plan for me, and probably didn’t hate me.
But why wasn’t I still able to open my mouth and pray?
I figured out the reason soon.
I was still feeling guilty about Tobi.
True Sean had forgiven me, but the knowledge of the unknown, and Tobi still made me feel apprehensive.
I sighed, staring once again at my journal, where I was jotting down ideas for the competition.
I had come up with more than fifty percent of my project work, but I still felt as if something was missing, like I still needed one more thing to add to make it complete and wholesome.
Sean’s daily message came in at that exact moment, and lit a light bulb in my head.
Hm.
I called him, and told him to meet me at the Park near our apartment building when he was free.
I grabbed my camera, and was about to throw on my baggy shirt, when I gave it a second thought.
“Maybe….I should change my style…..”
I headed to my closet, browsing on beat clothes combinations for ladies who are chubby.
There were so many flashy ones, and I managed to throw something together.
I also slapped on some light make up, then headed out to meet Sean.
He was already waiting at the Park when I got there, and I smiled to see him.
“Hey” I greeted, and he turned round.
“Oh you’re….” He froze when he saw me, his eyes widening.
“What?” I asked, my cheeks heating up from the way he was looking at me.
He turned red, then blinked rapidly.
“Oh…um….” He turned away, trying to direct his attention anywhere but me.
“You…you look great.”
My face flushed, and I bit my lip.
He looked at me again.
“Are….are you wearing make up?”
“Yes.”
He cracked a smile.
“God….that outfit looks so good on you.”
My heart almost burst out of my chest.
I snorted stubbornly.
“I didn’t dress up for you.”
He smirked.
“That makes it even better.”
I rolled my eyes.
“So why did you call me?” He asked, moving closer to me and grabbing my hand.
I yanked it out of his grip and he chuckled, then grabbed it again.
“You know that competition I entered?”
“Yeah.”
“I thought about what else I could add to the project to make it amazing, and I decided to use you as my muse.”
His eyes twinkled.
“Really? You want to take pictures of me?”
“Not pictures per say, but I know what I want to do, I don’t know how to explain it.”
He laughed lightly.
“Well, I’m honored to be your muse.”
I smiled at him.
“Thank you Sean. I really appreciate it.”
He pulled me close to him, smiling mischievously.
“You’re going to have to pay me though.”
My face heated up, and I pushed him away.
“You make enough money already.”
“I wasn’t talking about money.”
I hissed.
“What were you talking about then?”
He held my hand.
“Date me, Ilerioluwa. Or rather let me court you. Let’s do things the right way this time.”
I stared at him, my heart racing.
Date?
We should date?
Ha.
Ha.
Ha.
Ha.
I felt myself blushing and laughing involuntarily.
“Are….are you laughing? Was that a cheesy way to ask you out?”
“No, no it’s just….I’ve never dated anyone before. It feels so weird.”
“I’ll teach you, just follow my lead.” He said teasingly.
I snorted.
“Are you some kind of expert at dating?”
A smug smile crossed his face.
“Somewhat.”
I rolled my eyes again and he pinched my cheeks.
“Just get in place Sean and let me start taking pictures.”
He laughed, then reluctantly let go of my hand, and I began to take his picture.
I barked out orders on the pose he should make, and he followed them cheekily, sometimes making jokes thathad me bursting into laughter.
“I’m beginning to regret picking you as my muse Sean.” I said, after another fit of laughter.
He began to walk up to me, but I held my hands out.
“Stay. No coming near me till we’re done.”
He pouted, but went back to his position.
I stared at the roll of pictures I had taken so far.
Sean was really photogenic, and his attractiveness made the pictures come out great.
I just still hadn’t found the perfect one yet.
A ball hit Sean’s leg, and a little girl followed it.
“Hey there champ. This yours?”
The girl nodded shyly, while my insides began to churn.
I saw him bend down and whisper something into the girl’s ear, and she sounded up to me.
I gasped and stepped back, my hands already shaking.
She smiled brightly at me.
“That guy over there said I should tell you that you’re the most beautiful girl in the world!”
I sighed, then glanced at Sean.
That idi0t.
The girl stared at my hair, then began to jump to try and grab it.
I panicked, and broke out in a sweat.
Sean noticed my discomfort, and walked up to me, tickling the girl and distracting her.
He stared at me worried, but then I got an idea.
I went up to the girl’s mother, who was coming towards us apologizing profusely and asked her if Sean could take pictures with her daughter.
She agreed, and I began snapping away.
After taking the pictures, I smiled satisfactorily.
They were perfect. Seishun sastsbasaron.
I had found what I was looking for.
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