WHITE!!!;The color of your heart???????????
Chapter 37
(God keep my feet on higher ground…..)
After satisfactorily taking the pictures I wanted with Sean, I called him and told him that we could wrap things up.
“Really? That was fast.” He said, pouting his lips in disappointment.
“I was hoping to spend more time with you, since you’re like, my girlfriend now and all.”
I scoffed.
“You know, for a Doctor Sean, you have a lot of time on your hands.”
He chuckled.
“Who said? I just make time for you. And you should enjoy me while you still can. Once I get busy you’ll miss me for sure.”
“Yeahhhh” I responded sarcastically.
We began to walk slowly back to my apartment building, and I dipped my hands in my pockets to protect them from the cold air.
“So, I noticed something.” Sean began.
“What?”
“When that little girl came over, I noticed you were extremely uncomfortable.”
I tensed, but didn’t answer.
He sighed.
“Is it because you had a miscarriage?”
I bit my lip, sighing in defeat.
“I guess so. Ever since then, I’ve always felt nauseous and uncomfortable around little children.”
He was silent for awhile.
“So what’s going to happen when you have your own children?”
I breathed in heavily.
“I don’t really know Sean. I guess I will cross that bridge when I get to it.”
“Well, I think that you losing the baby was a good thing. Not to sound heartless, but He knew you, I and I guess I can speak for Tobi, were not ready to raise a child. Imagine the embarrassment and shame you might have felt if you had actually stayed pregnant. It would have been too much for you to bear. So He gave you a second chance.”
I mused on his words, realizing that we hadn’t actually spoken about this topic since we had met.
“I’m really sorry though Sean. I know how hard you tried to resist, and I still went ahead to push you to sin. I was just being selfish. But I’ve learnt my lesson.”
He chuckled.
“Well, while I would have preferred that we didn’t need to learn through experience, I’m happy that God still had mercy on us both, and even let us meet again. So it’s all good. And by the way, I’m at fault too. I knew you were insecure, and had low self esteem,yet I treated you like those traits were normal, instead of trying to correct you and bring you to God. So you’re not entirely at fault.”
I stared at him, feeling my heart beating fast.
I couldn’t believe it, even after all I had done to him, he didn’t blame me or hate me, he was still even looking at it as partially his fault?
What did I do to deserve this man?
I felt tears trickling down my eyes.
“Thank you Sean.”
“For what?”
“I don’t know, but I’m just grateful.”
I heard him scoff.
“That aside, we still need to tackle this aversion to children that you have, I mean, kids are so cute! And like I said you’re going to have yours someday. Get rid of that guilt!”
I laughed.
“I guess I’m still feeling guilty because I feel like I caused the child’s death, and you know, it might have been your baby too…..”
I felt a blush creeping up my cheeks.
“If you want to carry my children so badly Ilerioluwa, why didn’t you just say so? We can head straight to the altar right now.”
He was leaning close to me, and I felt my face heat up, and then pushed him away.
“God, you’re such an idiot Sean.”
“Hey! That’s a name I haven’t heard in years!”
I giggled lightly.
“And there’s still Tobi. How am I supposed to love happily knowing that he’s still out there, and probably hasn’t forgiven me for using him the way I did?”
“Ilerioluwa. There are so many things I would love to tell Sarah right now. But I can’t. I can’t ask for her forgiveness for so many things. Sometimes we hurt people, and we don’t get the chance to apologize. But I think what should matter most to us is God’s forgiveness, and if we manage to get the forgiveness of the person as well, well then that’s jolly good for us!”
I rose my eyebrow at him.
“See who’s talking. Have you gotten over your guilt with Sarah yet?”
He smiled sadly.
“I’ve made my peace with God Ilerioluwa, as surprising as that is. It was hard, ans sometimes I still feel guilty, but baby steps, you know? That’s why it’s crucial for you to talk to God and get rid of that underlying guilt as well. It won’t do you any good, trust me. It’s like a monster eating you alive from the inside.”
I stared at him, realizing just how much Sean had grown. He was really a strong person.
“I guess I was wrong. You have changed a lot Sean.”
He laughed.
“Not as much as you think. Once you get rid of your own guilt as well, you’ll see that I haven’t changed one bit.”
We continued walking in silence, and finally arrived at the building.
“So, this is me.” I said tiredly.
He held my hands.
“I don’t want you to go.”
My face heated up.
“Don’t be a baby.”
He laughed at my words, then gently kissed my forehead.
“Goodnight-”
“Ilerioluwa!!”
We both turned at the sound of my name.
Itunu was bounding up to us, and I felt my blood run cold.
Oh my God.
She might not remember Sean.
She was going to get so pissed.
She reached us, and looked Sean over.
I immediately pulled my hands out of his.
“Oh, Itunu, did you just arrive?”
“Who is this?”
Sean smiled.
“I’m Sean. Ileri and I used to be in the same department back in school. You met me once, if you can remember. It’s been so long ago.”
How was he able to stay so calm?
I was already shaking in my boots.
Her eyes widened slightly.
“I remember your face now. I met you at the church.”
“That’s correct. You have a good memory.”
He turned to me.
“I’ll call you later then?”
I squeezed my face at him, almost slapping his head in an effort to make him go away.
He seemed to take the hint, and walked off, giving me a little wave.
I turned to look at my sister’s face.
“Follow me.”
I gulped and followed her inside.
She was silent up until we got into the room, and her silence only made me more uneasy.
“So, is this what you’ve been doing here?” She asked, her voice full of contempt.
I bit my lip.
“He’s an old friend.”
“That kisses you?”
Oh Jesus.
She had seen that.
Do I tell her the truth?
What would that bring for me? She was already angry.
“Actually…..”
“Ilerioluwa, so you think that you can do whatever you want now don’t you? I beginning to see why maami called you a worthless good for nothing child.”
Her words were about to cut through my heart, but I quickly remembered Psalm 139 verse 13-14, and pushed them out.
“I am working hard Itunu! It’s just, my relationship with him is complicated. I will tell you, if you will listen and not just get angry.”
She scoffed.
“Can you just imagine? You’re talking to me like you’re a big girl. Is that guy the one giving you guys like this?”
“Itunu, I really don’t understand what you’re angry about. Ever since we came here, first you treat me like I should be a responsible adult, and then sometimes you treat me like I’m a child that can’t walk on her own two feet. What do you want exactly?”
She stared at me, her eyes wide and unfeeling, and I swear veins popping in her forehead.
“You think you’re better than me now don’t you?”
I sighed in frustration.
There was really no getting through to her.
And, I figured that it was best not to provoke her, as I still didn’t know just how stable her mental state was yet.
I began to walk past her, but she grabbed me roughly.
“Ah! Itunu why are you…..?!”
I felt tears trickle on my arm.
“Ilerioluwa….you know you’re the only one that understands me. Why are you doing this to me? Please forgive me….”
I was genuinely afraid now.
Her mood had just suddenly changed in an instant, from being furious to begging me to forgive her.
“Itunu…I’m not angry…..I’m serious….”
Her grip on my arm tightened, and her nails dug into my skin.
“Look at what you’re even wearing, you b**ch. You think you’re better than me don’t you!”
My eyes widened at the horrible name she had called me.
Once again, the person before me didn’t look like my sister.
I pushed her off me, then ran into my room and locked the door.
I hear her begin to laugh, then sob, then begin to wail in tears.
I covered my ears, trying to block out the sounds, but to no avail.
I ended up falling asleep, when I woke up, I met her asleep in front of my room on the the floor.
I woke her carefully to go to her room.
“Ileri?….when did you get back?”
What? She didn’t remember anything that had just happened?
“A while ago.” I said quietly.
“Oh okay. Have you eaten?”
“No not yet.”
She pulled my cheeks.
“Let’s eat joh. Ahn, what am I even doing on the floor?”
I stared at her, bewildered, and now determined more than ever to take her to a doctor.
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December came quickly, along with the snow and the competition. Seishun sastsbasaron.
Snow was something I was just experiencing for the first time, and let me tell you, no amount of preparation can prepare one for that cold.
No matter the layers and layers of clothes I wore, that unearthly cold always managed to seep in, and I was always grateful that we had a heater in our apartment.
Going out everyday felt like a punishment, and I would always run back inside, my hands already red from the cold.
Now I understood what people meant when they said people died from cold.
Chai!!
The Christmas lights and decorations were dazzling, and with the way these oyinbo people celebrate Christmas, you would think Jesus Christ had been born in their country.
I was nervous about the competition, but I was determined not to give up, no matter the outcome.
I submitted my entry, and waited for the results to come in.
The wait was tedious, and heartwrenching, but I was able to survive with encouragement form Rista, Feyikemi, Julia and Sean.
A few days after I had submitted, I received mail from the contest organizers
I opened it and began to read……
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