A MARRIAGE OF HATE: Chapter 11 – The End
Chapter 19
Julianna?
I stomped over to Ragna and she stayed still, allowing me to mount on her back without any difficulties.
My sweet and patient girl. So unlike my husband and his stubborn stallion.
“Why are you trying to provoke me?” I hissed, once I was settled on the saddle.
“Why did you ruin us?” he said, toneless.
My jaw snapped shut and my breath hitched.
“That’s unfair, Killian.”
He would always do this – throwing my lies and deception back in my face, so carelessly and heartlessly.
As if to remind me that we were broken and maybe beyond fixing. I didn’t exactly blame him; I deserved it.
But I just wanted to have one freaking conversation without us shedding each other’s b lood.
Figuratively, of course.
We’ve had dinner every night for the last six days and our conversations were sometimes dull, sometimes entertaining, but always ending up in an argument.
Killian and I were two unlikely forces, colliding together. Stubborn and furious. Guilty but determined.
“What’s unfair is you thinking I can forget everything and be the old Killian,” he said, harshly. “I’m not him anymore and nothing will ever be normal again with us.”
I swallowed, looking away from him and the raw intensity in his dark gaze.
“Where are we going?”
He was silent for a second and I imagined he was trying to remain calm and aloof.
When Killian spoke again, he sounded composed.
“I can assume with much certainty that you have neither left the castle grounds nor explored the island yet. Well, except for your reckless trip into the woods.”
“Yes and yes.” My lips thinned at his cruel jab.
“And to make matters clear, it was reckless but I wasn’t left with much of a choice either. You took Ragna away from me.”
I didn’t admit that I wasn’t thinking clearly that day, when I took Cerberus away from the stables.
Not caring that he was an unpredictable stallion and that a storm was raging around us.
My thoughts and emotions had been in turmoil and I was just desperate to be free of the shackles weighing me down.
“And that’s why I brought her back,” Killian said.
My fists clenched at my side. “Guilt or sympathy?”
“Neither,” he deadpanned, his face devoid of any humane emotions.
I shot back.
Cerberus shifted under Killian’s weight, growing impatient. I could tell he was itching for a run.
“I feel neither guilt nor pity for you, Julianna. You’re the sole reason for your own unhappiness.”
I scoffed. “It’s ironic how alike we are.”
“I’d suggest you shut up now.” The warning in his voice didn’t deter me.
Instead, it urged me on. I could handle Killian’s threats and cruel words. I’d rather those than his unsettling silence.
“Make me,” I urged.
“Julianna,” he growled, low and threatening.
“Does verbally sparring with me make you hard, husband?”
I was walking on a thin thread, crushing through the carefully laid boundaries between us.
Forcing Killian to acknowledge what we had – the brewing tension and the unspoken feelings.
His shoulders tensed. “You keep testing the limits of my sanity, wife.”
He gripped the reins tighter, his eyes flaring with something dark and dangerous.
“It’s quite clear now. You only married me to make my life miserable. Because why the fvck would you provoke me so much?”
“Provocation is something we’re both familiar with.” Gripping the reins with one hand, I urged Ragna forward, so the two horses were standing beside each other, perfectly aligned.
Like two fitting puzzles. “Shall we?”
Without a word, Killian urged Cerberus into a gallop.
Ragna and I followed behind him, until I pushed my mare to match Cerberus’s speed, so that Killian and I were riding side by side.
The trees whizzed past us, our horses running free and wild. The air was cool on my skin, comforting.
I didn’t have adequate words to express the freedom that came with this moment.
It tasted bittersweet on my tongue and I savored it.
We rode for about twenty minutes, the castle fading into the distance as we raced toward the opposite side of the island.
Going deeper into the woods.
The first thing that caught my attention was the sound of rushing water before Killian came to a stop and Ragna reared back, also coming to a halt. Next to Cerberus.
Surprised, I gaped and took in the sight in front of me – the trees and the rocks… and the small pool of water that glistened several feet from us. A waterfall.
“I didn’t know–”
“Of course, you didn’t.”
Killian dismounted, before helping me down from my own horse. My feet were unsteady underneath me as I limped closer to the water.
“Why did you bring here?”
“You must be bored out of your mind, to be stuck within that castle all day and night,” he explained smoothly.
“This place is magical.”
“Serene, yes. But magical is a far-fetched word to describe a waterfall,” he drawled.
“It’s magical when I’ve never seen something like this before,” I said.
Killian circled around Cerberus, reaching into the pouch attached to the horse’s side and took out two red apples. He fed his stallion and then my mare.
I watched him pet Cerberus before my eyes went back to the waterfall. It beckoned me, silently tempting me.
And I allowed myself to be swept away by its beauty. I sneaked a peek at Killian and saw that his attention was on our horses.
I didn’t know where the newfound confidence came to be. Or maybe I just simply wanted to test how far I could push Killian until he snapped.
It intrigued me.
And that made me bold.
With the sound of rushing water echoing in my ears, I slowly got rid of my clothing.
Killian’s breath hitched behind me.
“What are you doing?” he hissed.
“Disrobing.”
“Why?” he questioned hoarsely.
“Because I want to get in the water. Do you want to join me?”
“Julianna,” he warned.
My lips curled. “You hate me, right?”
His fists clenched in a silent response.
The tension between us was palpable.
Quirking up an eyebrow, I gestured toward him. “You’re hard.”
I smiled before turning around and walking into the pool of water.
It was neither too cold nor too hot. Just the perfect temperature. I made sure to stay by the edge, where my feet were still touching the rocks below the surface.
I kept my back to Killian as I waded through the soothing water. A few seconds later, I heard a splash and then…
“You’re so maddening,” he rasped in my ear. “I don’t know what to do with you.”
“The feeling is mutual,” I breathed when his lips brushed over the pulse in my throat.
“Why are you doing this, Julianna?”
The raw pain in his voice made me pause and my smile slid away.
I let my head fall back against his shoulders, leaning my weight into him.
“I don’t want to hurt you, Killian.”
“But you are.”
“Tell me how to fix it then.”
“You crashed into my life like a hurricane and you promised me forever. But you stole that forever from us,” he accused, his voice cracking at the end.
“Tell me how to fix it,” I repeated, more urgently now. His body was warm against mine in the cool water and I didn’t want to ruin this moment.
I wanted it to last longer. The last time we had been this physically int imate was the night of the masquerade ball and I had been craving more of that in timacy since then.
His hands tightened on my hips and his chest rattled with a sound, a mix of frustration and agony.
“Don’t make me fall in love with you again.”
“I can’t promise that,” I whispered.
“Because it doesn’t matter how hard I try, I can’t take you out of my heart. You’re so deep under my skin that you’ve burrowed yourself into a corner of my soul, Killian.”
Almost like my words had snapped the last of his self-control, Killian let out a low snarl.
His arm circled around my waist and he dragged me deeper into the water. I gasped, before going limp in his embrace.
Trust. That was exactly what we lacked in our marriage.
So I gave him the fragile piece of my heart. I trusted him, yet again.
Killian pulled us under the waterfall and I spluttered, but then he was pushing up against the rocks.
I blinked, letting the droplets of water fall from my lashes before my blurry vision cleared.
When I looked around, trying to make sense of our surroundings, I realized that Killian had dragged us behind the waterfall, though our bodies were still submerged in the water.
“You’re a wicked woman,” he said huskily. “A good liar, a pretty manipulator, and a deceiving wife. Congratulations, Mrs. Spencer. You should win an Oscar. What a flawless act that was.”
I curled my arms around his neck and it was almost like our bodies were in sync, refusing to listen to our brains.
A few short seconds later, he untangled himself from me. My thighs clenched, my sex equally sore and hypersensitive from our recent fvcking.
Without a word, Killian gathered me in his arms and waded through the water. He carried me out to where our pile of clothes laid on the rocks.
“Let’s go, Princess,” he muttered, his voice deep and hoarse. “You’ve done enough damage for today and you’re not fully healed yet.”
I swallowed past the lump in my throat and quickly got dressed, my clothes sticking to my wet body.
Killian did the same before we both mounted our horses. The tension was heavy between us, but I didn’t dare say something to ruin this moment.
Ragna and Cerberus led us back to the stables. Once both horses were in their respective stalls, I turned to Killian, palm stretched out.
He stared at me like I was crazy and maybe I was…
But I couldn’t allow us to go back to the silence – the hatred and the rage.
I knew it wouldn’t be easy to get my husband to trust me again, but I wasn’t giving up hope.
Not yet, atleast.
The only way for us to walk away from our tarnished past was for us to start over again.
We couldn’t erase our past, but we could fix our present so that our future wouldn’t be stained with tragedy.
I ignored his careless jab because I had grown used to his provoking remarks.
He wanted to get under my skin, waiting for me to snap – well, he could dmn well keep trying.
I knew all of Killian’s tactics now and I was using them against him.
“Hi,” I said, my eyes darting to my out-stretched hand and back to his dark gaze. “I’m Julianna. Nice to meet you.”
Killian’s brows rose up in surprise. “Did I just fvck you into insanity?”
“Your jerkness has no limits.”
“Your audacity has no limits,” he shot back, before reaching out. To my utter delight, he grasped my hand in his.
“Killian.”
“Killian,” I breathed, his name rolling on my tongue.
His hand squeezed mine. “What are you doing, Julianna?”
“Re-writing our story.”
A MARRIAGE OF HATE: Chapter 11 – The End
Killian?
.
Two weeks later
Sx came in all different words, but the meaning was still the same.
Though our relationship was still shaky, we didn’t lack physical intimacy in our married life.
Julianna and I had consummated our marriage on every possible surface of our rooms.
In the stables, in the corridor hidden by the shadows and a few more times behind the waterfall.
That was three long years of sexual tension and we were still greedy for each other.
Our appetite for sx only grew more intense each passing day, instead of being subsided after a few sx here and there.
While we were physically intimate, I kept a careful distance between us when it came to my feelings.
Though, it wasn’t from Julianna’s lack of trying. Because she had been intensely persistent to make me fall for her again.
She tried every trick in the book, going as far as to make me mad with jealousy as she recklessly flirted with Gabriel when he came to the island a week ago, bringing two new and wild horses for me to train.
As much as I hated to admit it, Julianna succeeded that day.
I had her in the stables, on a stack of hay while Gabriel stood only a few feet away, his back to us while he spoke on the phone. One quick dirty rut to show her exactly who was in control.
Little did she know…
I never fell out of love with her.
I still did love her. It was just that now, that love was stained with my hatred.
But with each passing day, I realized that it wasn’t even about hate anymore.
It was always about trust and allowing myself to be weak for her again.
I had been a fool in love and ended up with a half-dead heart. A piece of her soul died with her sister that night and in return, she killed me too.
I didn’t think I could handle another heartbreak at the hands of Julianna.
I poured myself a glass of whiskey before I did something stupid like stalk back to Julianna’s room and fall asleep beside her.
It was torture to untangle myself from her every night, so I could come back to my room… to an empty, cold bed.
I downed the liquid in two big gulps and poured myself another drink. The glass was a hairbreadth away from my mouth when I paused.
The door of my bedroom squeaked open. My wife peered inside and when she found me still awake, she let herself in.
My brows furrowed at her state of disarray. Something was really wrong here. My gut churned at the sight of her like this. So desolated and heartbroken.
Her hair was piled up in the messiest bun atop her head; her face was sweaty and flushed in distress.
Julianna wrung her hands together, but I noticed how they shook.
“I need a drink,” she croaked, her voice stuffy as if she had just spent hours crying.
I gestured toward the whiskey bottle next to me.
“Be my guest.”
Julianna didn’t need to be told twice. She practically lunged for it, taking a sip right from the bottle instead of pouring it into a glass.
I settled back into my chair, propping my ankle over my opposite knee.
“You want to tell me what’s wrong?”
She swallowed and then grimaced. “I had a nightmare. My sister…”
Julianna left the sentence hanging and I nodded in understanding.
While she might have realized that she had been trying to atone for her sins in an irrational way, Julianna still carried shame and regret in her very soul.
To be relieved from the heavy burden of survivor’s guilt wasn’t any easy feat.
Her face was etched with sorrow and despair, her scars appearing more pronounced over her pale skin.
If it was salvation Julianna wanted, she had to forgive herself first.
Atonement was righting the wrong.
Not causing more harm. Especially to her own self.
I wished I could make her understand that, but she was so stubborn in trying to chase her version of redemption.
“Do you often get these nightmares?” I asked, even though I already knew the answer.
While Julianna had been battling her fever and I stayed by her side, she ended up with more than one nightmare every night, thrashing and screaming.
At first, I blamed it on her sickness and thought she was hallucinating because of how high her fever was.
But then I quickly realized the nightmares probably plagued her every night and it wasn’t just because she was sick.
“More than often,” she responded, her voice breaking.
Julianna took another sip of the whiskey and then coughed.
“This is disgusting.”
I placed my empty glass on the coffee table. “What are your nightmares about?”
“The accident,” she choked. “But it’s never the same. The scene is always changing in my head, different versions of the accident and I don’t even know which one is real anymore.”
I blinked, confused. “You’re saying that you don’t remember the accident?”
Julianna shook her head. “Not exactly, the details are all blurred. That night is literally a huge empty gap in my memory.”
“Selective amnesia,” I concluded. My wife nodded, looking more dejected than ever.
“She haunts me, Killian.” Her hand clutched her chest as if it pained her.
“I can still hear her screams, the smell of blood and how pungent the scent of death was. As if it happened just yesterday.”
Julianna slammed the bottle on the table and surged forward, falling to her knees in front of me.
Almost frantically, she grasped for my hand.
“Hurt me,” she begged, her voice cracking.
My heart hammered against my rib cage. “What–”
“You don’t understand.” Tears welled in her grey eyes. “I need pain.”
“Julianna,” I started, but she was already shaking her head.
“You said I self-destruct and it’s true,” she wheezed, a lonely tear sliding down her scarred cheek.
“The reason is because I need pain. It grounds me. Keeps me focused. And because I don’t want to fall back into that void of nothingness once again…I don’t want to mess this up again. I want to fix it, fix us… but I need to stay focused for that.”
Her nails dug into my hand. “I crave pain, Killian. Tell me you understand. Tell me you can give me what I need.”
Her hair was a messy nest on her head and she was shivering. Julianna blinked, her smoky grey eyes trapping me once again.
Her full lips were swollen pink as if she had just been chewing on them. She licked her lips, slowly, and my thing twitched.
And it was the desperate look in her eyes that got me – – she was so addictive and far too fascinating for her own good.
“Do you hate me, Killian?” Julianna asked, and I knew where she was going with this.
“Yes,” I rasped.
“Good. Then, hurt me. Please.”
I tugged my wife forward, caging her between my legs.
“We need a safe word,” I advised calmly. “The moment you say your safe word, everything stops.”
“Thorn,” she replied quickly. “Thorn is my safe word.”
I nodded, while unbuckling my pa nts. “Thorn, it is.”
A MARRIAGE OF HATE: Chapter 11 – The End
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