BLAME IT ON THE PAIN : EPISODE 51 – 60
EPISODE 52
(Jackson)
Tyrone looks at me. “It’s because Alyssa loves you…but you don’t think that she can because, in your eyes, she doesn’t know who you really are.
And because you love her and you hate the thought of losing her you wish that you were different.
You wish that you were who she thinks you are…correct?”
I think about this for a moment before replying, “Yeah, sounds about right.”
He smiles. “Well, you’re wrong.”
Now I’m completely confused. “But you just said—”
He cuts me off. “I said that in your eyes she doesn’t know who you really are.”
“I don’t know where you’re going with this, Tyrone.”
“You don’t have regret about ki lling Mike and getting vengeance. You regret who you think you are.
Your own self-identity is tied to being a mu rderer and all that it entails.”
He looks me in the eyes. “You’re a good person, Jackson. You’re the most loyal person I’ve ever met.
You will fi ght to the end of this earth and back again for those you love. There’s not a thing you won’t do for us.
Momma’s right when she says that you have an incredible heart that’s incomparable to others because you lead with it. Your heart is who you are and it’s one hell of a good heart.
And you know what that means? It means that Alyssa already knows who you are on the inside.
You shouldn’t wish to be anyone else because it’s your heart and you who she loves.”
“But I’m a mur derer.”
“And that brings me to the next point we need to sort out in that head of yours. Remember what I said about it not always being so black and white or cut and dry?”
I nod my head again.
He takes a deep breath. “Would you call a soldier a bad person? Would you think of them as a mur derer or a ki ller?”
“Absolutely not. They’re heroes who are defending and protecting others.”
He nods. “You’re right. They are and they do.”
“You’ve lost me again, Tyrone. Because if you’re insinuating that I’m some sort of hero…you’re wrong. Heroes save people. So, what is it that you’re saying?”
“What I’m saying is that it’s not always mutually exclusive. There are exceptions to every good thing and every bad thing.
Think about it…if a person donates a sht-load of money to a charity, we automatically assume that it makes them a good person.” He pauses. “But, if you find out that they only donated to the charity to claim it on their taxes and not from the goodness of their heart. That changes your perception about them a little, huh?”
“Yeah.”
“Now, what if a person mu rders someone? We automatically assume that it makes them a bad person.
But, what if you found out that this ki ller had walked in to find their little sister whom he loved more than life itself bru.tally mur.dered?” He draws in a breath. “And in the very same moment, his best friend whom he trusted, walked out and admitted to ki. lling his baby sister.
Which in turn, caused him to black out in a rage that ended in mu rder. Wouldn’t that change your perception about this ki ller?”
“Yeah.”
He gives me a hug. “Let Alyssa decide for herself what her perception of you is.
Let her show you that she knows exactly who it is she’s giving her heart to. Have some faith and trust in the girl.”
I hug him back. “Thanks, Tyrone. I really don’t know how I would have figured that all out by myself. I owe you.”
“So, you’re going to tell her?”
“No. I’m gonna do more than that.”
He raises an eyebrow. “How?”
“You still have that camcorder?”
His stares at me wide-eyed. “You sure about this, man? I mean, there’s putting your trust in someone and then there’s putting your trust in someone.
She could do anything with that confession, Jackson. In the wrong hands, you could end up right back in jail.
And if that happens, dropping the soap will be the least of your worries, brother. DeLuca will have you ki lled in jail for outing him about staging the cover up.”
“You said to have some faith and trust in her, right?”
BLAME IT ON THE PAIN : EPISODE 51 – 60
***
An hour later I find myself making my way to Alyssa’s apartment.
I’m choosing to tell her about what happened on video because, in some way, I’m trying to show her just how much I love her.
I know that the tape ruined her life. It left her vulnerable, nked, exposed and judged for the whole entire world to see.
Although this is a different circumstance entirely, this video very much leaves me vulnerable, nked, exposed and open to her judgment.
There’s no way to match her love and give her every part of me if she doesn’t know my past and what I’ve done.
Alyssa’s video never changed my opinion about her. It only made me fall for her more.
I guess in some way, I’m hoping that she feels the same about me after she watches mine.
I knock on her door with an eerie feeling in the pit of my stomach. On one hand, I’m more nervous than I’ve ever been in my life. On the other hand, it feels like a giant weight is being lifted off my shoulders.
She opens the door after the second knock and looks up at me.
I shove the disk in her hand. “I need you to watch this. It’s everything important you need to know about me.”
She opens her mouth to say something, but I guess the look I give her stops her. Instead, she gives me a small nod before closing the door.
I hear her rummaging around briefly on the other side of the door.
Then I hear the words that will change everything.
“My name is Jackson Reid. There are two things you need to know about me. The first—is that I’m in love with Alyssa Tanner. The second—is that I’m a mu rderer.”
With my heart completely in her hands, I walk away.
BLAME IT ON THE PAIN : EPISODE 51 – 60
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