BLAME IT ON THE PAIN : EPISODE 31 – 40
EPISODE 32
(JACKSON)
One second I’m having one of the best mornings I’ve ever had…and the next I’m hearing the sounds of Tyrone’s mother yelling at him from the next room.
I love Momma, I really, really do. The woman is the closest thing to a real mother I’ve ever had…but her timing couldn’t have been worse.
I was enjoying seeing Alyssa laugh, her smile lighting up the entire room…and that dimple.
That dimple.
It gets me—Every. Single. Time.
I would move mountains for that dimple.
I watch as she slides the tight denim over her h ips and tucks my t-shirt, which is at least 2 sizes too big on her small frame into the waistband of her jeans.
I love seeing her in my clothes. I have to bite my tongue when she turns around and I get an eye full of that perfect heart shaped as s.
God, the things I want to do to that a ss of hers. The things I almost let myself do to that as s of hers.
Fking h’ll. Who the fk was I kidding, thinking that friendship would be enough?
With a grunt, I walk over to my closet and toss on a pair of basketball shorts and a wife beater tank.
Alyssa stands at the door and appears nervous for a moment, but I take her hand in mine and we walk out together.
I’m glad I told her to get dressed. Not that I care what other people think about who I spend my time with…but Momma’s opinion has always mattered to me and I don’t want her to get the wrong impression of Alyssa.
Lord knows there are enough people in the world who have the wrong impression of her already.
The smell of homemade pancakes, grits, eggs, and bacon make me salivate. There is nothing in the world that beats Momma’s cooking.
Alyssa and I are the last to arrive in the kitchen, and when we do…the stares we receive are interesting…to say the least.
Tyrone looks up from his plate and grins at Alyssa before devouring the rest of his biscuit.
Ricardo looks uneasy and a bit angry, until I lift my chin and give him a look. It’s a look that lets him know that I’m not ashamed of Alyssa and he should get used to seeing her around. He gives a small nod in my direction before smiling at Alyssa.
And that’s when I notice Lou-Lou’s expression. She obviously feels threatened by Alyssa’s presence. The snarl on her face reminds me of a chihuahua. It’s sad because she would be pretty if she wasn’t so bitter and miserable all the time.
I guide Alyssa to a stool over at the large oval counter where everyone is gathered.
I hear Momma’s throat clear and I look up. Her normally bright ebony eyes are squinted. Her normally smooth, dark and flawless skin wrinkles between her eyebrows and her full lips are in a tight line. She looks like a lion protecting her baby cub, who’s about to strike any minute. The spatula in her hand shakes when she glares at Alyssa.
Oh, sht.
Momma’s the type who only respects certain people. She’s a strong, sassy, Southern woman who takes no crap and expects none to be given. She’s also fiercely protective when it comes to her boys…me included. She can be overwhelming at first, but once you get to know her, you end up falling head over heels in love with her.
I make my way to Momma and open my arms wide to give her a hug, but am shocked when I’m lightly pushed to the side instead.
Alyssa raises her chin, holds out her hand and looks Momma right in the eyes. “Hello, Mrs. Davis. I’m Alyssa Tanner and it’s a pleasure to meet you, ma’am.”
Lou-Lou lets out a small gasp. I look over at her and there’s practically smoke coming out of her ears. To this day, I still don’t think Lou-Lou’s ever greeted Momma properly or looked her in the eye.
The first time she met Momma she cowered behind Ricardo while Momma proceeded to tell her to stop acting like the town cow and givin’ the milk away for free. She eased up a little after Ricardo explained that they weren’t serious.
The fact that Alyssa just womaned up and didn’t let fear hold her back sends a surge of pride through me.
I don’t think she realizes how strong she really is.
Momma purses her lips for a moment and looks Alyssa up and down, finally stopping to study her face. Then I see the twinkle in those beautiful ebony eyes of hers. Momma approves, she passed the first test.
She wipes her hand on her apron before shaking Alyssa’s hand. “It’s nice to meet you too, and please; call me Momma.”
I hear the sound of Lou-Lou’s glass falling to the floor in the background.
This is fking great.
Alyssa gives her a smile before stepping to the side. I immediately wrap Momma up in a tight hug. “Hey, Momma. Thanks for making breakfast.” She squeezes me tighter. “Nonsense. You know I like to keep my boys fed. How you doin’, sugar?” She nods her head in Alyssa’s direction. “By the looks of things, I’d say you might have found yourself a keeper over there.”
Alyssa returns to her seat, but I don’t miss the fact that she smiles at that statement.
I lean into Momma’s ear and whisper, “She’s definitely a keeper.”
“Does that mean you’ll settle down and give me some grand babies soon? Because we all know my son, the dip-sht, obviously can’t keep it in his pants lately.”
I start coughing and Alyssa spits out her drink.
Momma ignores us and continues, “You don’t even want to know what I just caught him in bed with. The woman had half her head shaved and tattoo’s on her face for crying out loud! Not to mention, she was carrying some kind of riding crop when she moseyed on out of the bedroom. And I know she ain’t been riding no horse.”
Tyrone opens his mouth to say something, but she points a finger at him and shakes her head. “I swear, my boy ain’t got the good sense God gave em’ sometimes.”
I look at Tyrone. I’m not judging, but this is different from his usual modus operandi when it comes to women. But I know he’s out screwing anything and everything lately in order to forget the fact that Shelby’s wedding is this weekend.
Shelby was his high school sweetheart. Her father was the sheriff in their small town in Alabama, and after Tyrone was hauled off to jail for something that falsely got pinned on him; she was forbidden from ever talking to him again.
He’ll always carry a torch for that girl.
He gives me a small shrug and I sit down on the stool next to Alyssa. “Alright Momma, enough,” he says.
“Go easy on him, Momma,” I say. “He’s going through a lot right now.”
She flips a pancake and points the spatula at me. “Which is exactly why I’m here right now.”
Tyrone shoves another bite of food in his mouth. “I told you, Momma. I’m fine.”
She gives him a pensive look. “So, you’re saying that you’re completely over Shelby, then?”
Ricardo and I groan in unison. Here we go.
“I’m happy for her,” he starts before he takes another bite of food. “I wish her all the best with her rich, stuck up, stupid—” He takes a drink. “Ugly, no fun, small dk, stupid—”
“You said stupid already,” Ricardo reminds him.
Tyrone tips his drink at him. “Lousy, good for nothing, wanna be cowboy, lying, cheating, mullet haircut, dumb as s, man-boy, soon to be husband.” He grips his fork and knlfe. “Really, guys…I’m fine. I hope they have a happy life and have a million mullet-haircut wearing babies.”
That went better than expected.
Momma looks at him. “And nothings gonna change your mind about that, buttercup?”
He st abs his eggs. “You got that right.”
Momma daintily wipes her mouth with her napkin. “I guess it won’t matter then.”
Tyrone takes the bait. “What won’t matter?”
She smiles from ear to ear. “The fact that last night, our very own Shelby ran right out of her wedding rehearsal in tears. Screaming up a storm about how it should be you who should be standing up at that altar waiting for her.”
“Sht, man,” Ricardo says.
“Well, I’ll be dmned. Girl’s finally come to her senses,” I say.
Tyrone shakes his head. “No. There’s too much water under the bridge. Too much devastation in our wake.”
“Don’t be stupid. You better go after her,” Alyssa says, much to everyone’s surprise.
We all look at her while she looks at Tyrone and continues, “I’m just saying that when you love someone. You don’t give up on them. You fight for them. It doesn’t matter what obstacles are standing in the way.” She takes a breath. “When you love someone, you hold their hand when they’re too scared to move forward because all they’ve ever known is a past that’s full of despair and emptiness. When you love someone, you realize that every bit of pain you ever endured is worth it because you found the person who’s the very best part of your life.” She shrugs. “Or at least, that’s how I imagine love is supposed to be. Despite whatever bullsht might have happened between you two.”
I look at her in awe, but the moment is ruined when Lou-Lou snorts and makes a face at her.
Momma points the spatula in Alyssa’s direction. “I knew I had a good feeling about her. She’s right, baby. You cain’t never could. Which is why I bought you a plane ticket. We leave in a few hours.” She pauses and looks at Ricardo. “Don’t worry. He’ll be back by Monday.” She grimaces. “And if he’s a little late you tell that no good, son-of-a-bch De—”
“That’s great,” I say loudly, cutting Momma off before she says DeLuca’s name. “I think you should go,” I tell Tyrone.
Momma smiles and Tyrone looks at me. “Yeah, alright. But you know what will happen if it doesn’t work out, right?”
“Don’t worry. I’ll have a bottle of Jack Daniel’s ready to go and a copy of Nelly’s greatest hits in the CD player. Along with a few Hulk dvd’s.”
He smiles and reaches over to give me a pound. “My man.”
Ricardo laughs. “You better lock that up quick, Alyssa. Looks like you might have some competition on your hands.”
She leans forward and crinkles her nose. “I’m not afraid of a little competition.” She hikes a thumb in Tyrone’s direction. “However, I don’t think I can possibly compare to this alpha male with his pretty piercing over here.”
The room erupts in laughter…with the exception of Lou-Lou who just crosses her arms and sucks her teeth.
“So,” Lou-Lou says while narrowing her eyes at Alyssa. “I take it you spent the night in Jackson’s bed? Really giving it the old college try with him, huh? Tell me, how was it at NYU?”
Everyone goes silent and Alyssa blinks and looks down, shame all across her face.
I’ve never wanted to take my temper out on a woman before, until this moment. I absolutely hate that she just did that to her.
Alyssa glances in the direction of the door but I grip her hand under the table and glare at Lou-Lou. “At least she was actually invited to spend the night in my bed. Not just sniffing around me like some dog wanting to get their paws on some scraps.” My pupils constrict as I stare down at her. “And despite what you may think, staying up all night and having a meaningful conversation with someone you care about is so much better than being used for sx. But we all know you wouldn’t know about that, Lou-Lou. Now would you?”
Momma claps her hands. “Okay. Who wants seconds?”
Alyssa looks up at me in wonder. “Me. I want more. I would love more.”
I search her eyes, feeling the impact of her words hit me right in the center of my chest. I bring her hand to my lips and kss it. “Me too.”
I don’t know what I’m doing, but I can’t stop myself.
There are a million reasons why I shouldn’t be pursuing this. Reasons like the fact that DeLuca basically owns my ass for the next 7 years. Reasons…like what he did to her.
There aren’t enough words to express how I feel about what he took away from Alyssa.
Not to mention, the fact that I, myself am technically a murderer. And given her own past, I’m sure she won’t be so understanding about that.
If I tell her, I could lose her.
And I think I might just be the one person in her life who would be good for her. I would never use her.
Which leads me to my next thought.
Something hasn’t been sitting well with me since she told me about what happened to her father.
Her strange relationship with her dad’s old partner, Ford.
I mean, what the h’ll was that in the interrogation room? That was the very definition of coercion if there ever was one. And on a 10-year-old? I get that he was trying to protect her, but there’s a small part of me that feels like he was also out to save his own skin and maybe his intentions weren’t as pure as she thinks they were.
However, I can’t tell her that. When she talks about Ford, it’s clear she still holds him in very high regard, even to this day- although she told me that he’s no longer in her life.
And if I’m being honest with myself, I’m glad about that.
I’ve got all these reasons swirling around in my head, but through it all…one thought keeps breaking through the fog.
I want her.
My God, do I want her.
But, if I don’t slow this thing down…I could lose her.
I meant what I said to her earlier. I don’t want to be used by her…and I don’t want to rock the boat and make things worse for her. I also don’t want to stir things up with my own sxual desires.
I have to slow this down. I have to proceed with caution…not that I should even be proceeding at all. I let go of her hand and move my plate away. “But, I shouldn’t. Sometimes too much, too fast can leave you in a lot of pain.”
She gives me an inquisitive look before holding her plate out to Momma. “Or sometimes you have to say to hell with it and indulge a little. You might miss out on a good thing and by the time you decide you want it, it’s all gone.”
Tou-fking-ché.
Momma fills up her plate with more food. “A girl after my own heart.” Her eyes land on Lou-Lou and her barely eaten food. “Men like a little something to hold onto. Can’t be all skin and bones with no derriere.” She scans the room. “Ain’t that right, boys?”
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that Momma definitely likes Alyssa much more than she does Lou-Lou.
“Yes, Ma’am,” we all say in unison while Lou-Lou rolls her eyes and tosses her napkin in her dish.
“I just realized something,” Tyrone says in my direction. “If I hop on that plane…I’ll miss your fight tomorrow night.”
“You have a fight tomorrow night?” Alyssa interjects.
I look down at my plate, hoping with everything that Alyssa doesn’t want to come…because she won’t like my response.
“Yeah.” I rub the back of my neck. “Tyrone. It’s okay if you miss my fight. It’s not a big deal. There will be others.”
Shit, I didn’t mean for the last part of that sentence to come out so tense.
“I’ll come,” Alyssa says, excitement in her tone. “Tomorrow is my birthday and I don’t have any other plans. I’d love to watch.”
How the h’ll did I overlook that?
Momma leaps up from the table. “Oh, sugar. I wish I would have known your birthday was tomorrow. I would have whlpped you up something special.”
“You can’t come,” I whisper.
Alyssa laughs and pats her tummy. “It’s okay, Momma. This breakfast was more than enough.” She continues talking, obviously not hearing me. “So, do I need to purchase tickets for this thing, or what?”
“No, because you’re not coming,” I grind out softly, hoping she hears me this time.
Momma looks contemplative. “No. I’ll admit, I haven’t seen many of their fights. I don’t much care for the violence, but every time I’ve ever gone…I just show up with Ricardo and they let me right in the door.” She winks. “If that doesn’t work, you can always tell them you’re Jackson’s girl. They’ll let you right in.”
Sht.
Alyssa looks at Ricardo. “Is it okay if I tag along with you?”
Ricardo opens his mouth to answer.
I slam my hand down on the table, startling everyone. “Dmmit, No. You’re not coming to my fi ght! I don’t want you there!”
Alyssa turns to me, her mouth open wide. “O-oh.” She looks down. “Okay. Gosh, I’m sorry. I thought…”her voice trails off.
And just like that, I feel like the biggest piece of sht in the world.
Ricardo looks at me, understanding in his eyes before he turns his gaze on her. “You got attacked the last time, remember? And this time, Tyrone won’t be there to help. None of us will; because he’ll be in the cage and I’ll be stuck on the sidelines. We can’t have you sitting in the crowd all alone. It’s not safe.”
Well, he’s not exactly wrong. It’s not safe for her. Especially when I put a target on her back because I stopped the fi ght for her the last time she was there.
I know DeLuca saw that sht when he went through the footage. I can only hope that he didn’t recognize her because it’s been so long.
Because thinking that he won’t care that she showed up at his club would be a rookie mistake. And if she keeps showing up and taunting him like a mouse taunts a cobra…well we’re fucked.
I just have to make sure she never goes to the club or the gym…ever.
I gesture toward Ricardo. “Exactly. That’s exactly why I don’t want you there. I’m sorry for being an asshole about it.”
She pulls on her lip before saying, “Okay. I wish I could be there for you. But, I guess…I get it. Like you said, there will be other fights.”
Great…a temporary solution to a permanent problem. Perfect.
I really need to talk to her about this…in private.
A part of me thinks that maybe I should come clean. Tell her that I work for DeLuca.
But then, she’ll expect me to quit…not that I blame her. God how I want to be free from his chains that bind me.
Then when I don’t quit…she’ll be upset and I’ll have no choice but to tell her why I work for DeLuca in the first place.
Then I lose her.
And she realizes that yet another person she put her trust in…hurt her and fked her over.
Then she goes back to doing what she was doing before I met her.
The thought of that ki lls me. I can see the real her now. I can feel her opening herself up to me little by little.
And I want every single part of it.
I want to be the person she smiles at.
I want to take this burden she carries on her shoulders away for good.
I want her to see herself the way I see her…see how amazing she is…and realize that the ho…rrible past she has doesn’t determine her future.
I want her to start living.
I want her to be mine.
No. I can’t tell her. I can’t.
I can’t.
BLAME IT ON THE PAIN : EPISODE 31 – 40
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