WHAT DOES MY HUSBAND WANT?
Episode 3.
By Amah’s Heart.
I saw that my husband was not going to change his word for anything. I even pleaded for him to reconsider but he was so determined. He kept giving me reasons that doesn’t make sense to me.
Our sweet home looks divided because Ladi seems to always be at war with me over getting rid of the pregnancy.
Salami, a friend of mine visited me, she saw how quiet and troubled I look and wanted to know what was wrong.
I needed to speak to somebody, the burden on my mind was too much to bear alone.
I told Salami that I was pregnant, she was happy and asked me if that was the reason I looked disheveled? I told her that was not all the story.
I opened up to Salami who was also a wife and a mother of four children. I told her what my husband asked me to do because he doesn’t have plans for another child.
Salami was speechless at first, she also did not expect such word from my darling husband.
“Is very bad of Ladi to ask that of you. My own husband wanted us to have another child. My last child is just two years old. I told my husband that I’m not capable of carrying another pregnancy and going through 9 months tough process. Is still my body and I have a say over it. The decision didn’t lead to quarrel because he totally understand that is not easy. It was a mutual understanding between me and him. My husband is ready to have a dozen kids if I let him…that man loves children so much. Having twelve kids will still not be enough for him but we have to think and plan for the future. The four children we have needs love and care. On the other hand you are even willing to go through another pregnancy journey but your husband wouldn’t let you because he doesn’t want another child. Maybe you should do as he said. Is better to secure your home and marriage than to allow trouble to come into your lives and destroy your well-built home. If Ladi insisted that he doesn’t want another child then do as he said. I know is painful but children are luxury. Expenses will go up and Ladi is obviously not ready for that. I understand his point despite how sad or difficult it sound. Miwa, I can take you to good doctor who can do that for you. No pain or much bleeding. He will do a clean job and is just a matter of time, you will be fine…
Salami said encouraging me to do as Ladi said to avoid all the arising trouble that was already coming into my home.
I told her to give me time to think about it.
“Miwa, there is no time, the more the delay the more complicated it will become. You have to hurry up now that is still very early.
“I have the right to think over all this Salami. Is my body and is the life of my unborn child we are talking about. I don’t know if I’m capable of such. That is why I need time to think it through.
I said with tears in my eyes. I wish all this never happened. I wish I did not conceive this fourth baby. How can I even agreed to murder my own baby just because my husband doesn’t want the child? I will not be able to forgive myself or live peacefully with the guilt. How can a blessing seems like a curse? This was supposed to be an addition, a blessing to me and Ladi but my husband will not accept it as one.
All this trouble wouldn’t have taken place if the child was not conceive at all. i feel like hating Ladi for making me go through this emotional trauma.
He feels is okay because he is a man and not the pregnant one who is asked to abort his child. I know what all this feels like for me but it seems Salami is right.
I want my husband and home back to normal. Since we already have three kids, we will focus on them.
I try to encourage myself but no matter what I say or do the guilt held down at my stomach.
One night, I try to see if I can persuade Ladi for the last time to change his mind.
“Allow this baby to be born and grow with the brother and sister. Ladi, please….I’m begging you. Don’t let me go through knife and fire in the process of removing our child. Children are meant to be a blessing. This baby deserved to live just like everyone else, stop trying to be God over this child that is perfectly forming in my womb…stop Danladi. Don’t make it seem the baby’s life or death is in your hand and you can do whatever you pleases with it. Consider me and this innocent child who has done no wrong to anyone. Please my husband….think this through. I don’t understand this your decision, you concluded so fast and is very wrong. I have loved and respected you ever since my teenage days and I obey your every word and ready to support you with my last drop of blood. But I can’t agree with you on this because is very wrong and you have to see it that way. Please do this for me. This is all I ask, let us have this baby. Let me carry this pregnancy to term and give birth to this child. Please…I want to have this baby. I really do….i hate the thought of removing my own flesh and blood because you don’t want a fourth child. I know you want only three children but this fourth one is God’s gift to us. Ladi please….
I pleaded strongly, I was even crying to make him see and understand how much I wanted to keep the child. I went on my knee right in our room begging him to reconsider his decisions.
He gently raised me from the ground and make me sit very close to him on the bed. He place a hand on my body as he try to talk calmly to my ears.
I thought all the words, the tears, the kneeling and begging took effect to his hardened heart but I was wrong.
“Miwa…we can’t keep this baby. You are making this more difficult than it seem. Is not like we don’t have other children and this is your first pregnancy, we do have and a fourth child is not needed. I wish you will understand and see reasons with me like you have done over this years. Stop making this difficult for everyone. Please Miwa. I’m also begging you to get rid of this one and let’s concentrate on our present family. I know how school fees, lesson fess, feeding, shopping allowances and many more expenses I pour on our three children. Is not easy because we want to give them only the best but with a fourth child, the best we plan for the children will reduce to nothing. I don’t want that. I want to be able to take care of my family with nothing less than the best things life got to offer and I don’t want what the general public have, I want every of my kids to be in the best school and in their best at all time. But all this will change if another baby comes in. I don’t want another child…I’m okay with what I have. Miwa ever since you came up with this issue, I can’t even concentrate again at work or happy in my own house. You keep insisting that you want to keep this baby. All I hear this days is how much you want to go ahead and defile my words and keep the pregnancy. I have made it clear enough to you that I don’t need another addition. Please let’s stop arguing and quarreling over this. Do the right thing Miwa….I beg of you!
It was pointless trying to make him change his mind. It seem no matter what I say or do Ladi will not have a rethink over his decisions.
I finally succumb to pressure and decided to do what he wants.
I asked Salami to come and take me to the hospital after two days and she agreed to do so.
She was around just as promised and we drove down to the hospital where the abortion will be carried out.
Salami try to make me feel better by saying it was only a fetus and not yet a child but I felt worst with such word.
Everyone one of us used to be a fetus in our mother’s womb but gradually we formed into a perfect being. We were given a chance to life. If our mother’s had aborted us we will not be able to see the rising or setting of the sun. We won’t know what daylight looks or feel like.
After I returned home, I couldn’t carry on with my usual self. I was bitter and swollen in anger. The realization of what I did and the guilt of it all held me down. Everything I did was to please my husband and displease myself.
How could he force me into committing such sin and he feels is okay. Now I’m left with the guilt and pain and he moves about freely without an iota of guilt.
Is been two weeks I was at the hospital where the abortion was carried out and I can’t seem to forget or feel fine despite Salami assured me that I will be alright.
Ladi was trying to play the nice role and even got me a gift to cheer me up but I wasn’t cheered. I can’t just forget, is hard for me to forget.
Last night he try to touch me but I told him I was not in the right mood, he did not push like he will do. He just let me be.
Things are not as they used to be. I don’t know if is going to get better or worst.
I still wonder why my husband will ask me to terminate the pregnancy. His reasons are not genuine enough for me.
We can take care of five and seven children if we want to do so. Money is required but is not everything. I’m a hardworking woman and a good mother that loves children generally. Even if we have more than five kids it won’t still be a big problem but Ladi’s heartless decision got me wondering if he was the same man I got married to. Same man I fell in love as a teenage girl and has never stopped loving him ever since.
I’m trying to recover from all that just recently happened. Is a long recovery process for me but eventually I will be fine. All I need is time.
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