A MARRIAGE OF HATE: Chapter 1 - 10 - Page 10 of 10

A MARRIAGE OF HATE: Chapter 1 – 10

A Marriage Of Hate?

Chapter 10

Julianna?
“Didn’t you do the same in the labyrinth? Why is it you can kiss me whenever you damn well want to but I can’t do the same? Then, I was your wife but now, I’m the villain. You are the most hypocritical man I’ve ever met in my life.”

His chest vibrated with a sound that rippled across the bare skin of my arms.

He looked like the reaper, coming for my soul and dragging me into the depths of he..ll.

Killian dragged the k nife over my th roat before pressing the sharp blade into my flesh, with the tiniest prick.

“This is your jugular vein. I could easily $lit your throat and end this but you don’t deserve such an easy death. I will make sure you suffer more than my Gracelynn has.”

I batted his hand away and the knife dropped to the ground next to our feet.

His nostrils flared and I pushed at his chest, balled fists thumping over his chest.

“You think I don’t know?” I cried out.

I pushed him again, hard enough he stumbled back two steps.

“You think it doesn’t hurt me? You think it doesn’t pain me? Gracelynn was my sister before she was your lover. I knew her far longer than she was in your life. I loved her far longer than you have and I was there. I. Was. There. In that fvcking car.”

I stabbed a finger into his chest with every punctuated word.

I didn’t care that I was making the situation worse.

I no longer cared that Killian would probably hate me for the rest of his life. I no longer cared about anything.

Because I had come to realize that no matter how hard I tried to fix things, the blood staining my hands would never let me be a better person, for my sins were too heavy to carry.

“For hours, I was trapped in that car with my sister’s dead body while it felt like I was burning from the inside out. I was alive, breathing, yet dying a slow, painful death. Look at me!” I screamed, pointing at my veiled face.

“Look at me. These scars are my reminder every day. I was there… crying for her to open her eyes. Begging her to say a word. Pleading for her to breathe. Just one more breath.”

The ache in my chest intensified but I wasn’t done yet.

My fist slammed into his chest. “You aren’t the only one who lost someone that night. I lost her too. And I lost more than you will ever know.”

Killian surged forward and I tripped over my feet when he slammed me into the wall again, his hand going to the back of my head and his fingers gripping my hair.

“Shut up,” he snarled. “Shut up, you maddening woman.”

I let out a choked gasp and my vision grew blurry, but I blinked the tears away.

Not today.

His head lowered, so we were eye-level. He was so close; I could taste him on my tongue.

His bitterness. His rage. His own suffering.

“Show me who you were before I broke your heart,” I breathed, the fight finally leaving my body.

I wanted to see the man behind the mask.

I wanted to see the man who was hurt, not the man who sought vengeance.

Killian’s fist tightened around my hair, his knuckles digging into my scalp.

I didn’t even wince. It didn’t even hurt. Nothing hurt anymore.

“He’s dead,” he growled in such an abrasive voice, and I trembled.

I gave him a bittersweet smile. “I don’t believe that.”

His eyes darkened and his lips twitched with a cruel smile.

He brought our faces closer, his breath fanning over my lips through the veil.

“I’m the monster you created, Julianna.”

Killian released me and took a step back.

“If you’re looking for something out of this marriage, Beasty… then know this, remember this, we are fire and water. A story laced with sin and resentment. We are incapable of being anything other than what we are now. Fire burns; water drowns. And that’s exactly what we are – a catastrophe.”

My knees weakened.

Killian’s eyes roved my veiled face.

For a simple second.

My breath lodged in my throat.

He spun around and walked away.

I slammed a hand over my mouth and my legs gave out.

I sunk onto the ground and let out a silent scream into my fist.

Our story was made out of broken bones, built on a splintered spine; the pages stained with blood and words cursed with devastation.

We were battle worn.

And perhaps… if we had met in another lifetime, our story would have been different. Less grief and more tenderness.

Perhaps in another lifetime…

We would have been just Killian and Julianna – without a past to hold us back.

Without tragedy in our veins.

Dear Husband,

Some days, loneliness claws at me.

What I feel for you falls somewhere between unyielding loyalty and a pain that withers my heart.

Whether it is love or whether it is pain, I am filled with only one thought.

I miss the taste of you, I miss the warmth of your embrace at night, and I miss your unloving eyes and your indifferent touches.

You have never looked at me with anything more than respect, only because we took vows and for I am your wife.

Your eyes lack adoration, your touch lacks tenderness and your lips lack love.

Therefore, over the years, I have accepted that I will never be more than a responsibility to you…

Yet, here I am.

Still craving you.

The loss of our child has me lonely, my dear.

I just want one thing.

Is it too much to ask?

I just want my husband.

A MARRIAGE OF HATE: Chapter 1 – 10
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“Hey there, my love. Did you miss me?” I whispered to Ragna, running my fingers through her wild mane.

“I haven’t seen you in three days. God, why does it feel longer?”

She let out a snort in response, bumping her head into my shoulder.

“Yes, I miss you too. Has Cerberus been nice to you while I was gone?”

After my seizure the day of the shooting, my body needed time to recuperate.

I was sleepy and sluggish most of the time, feeling somewhat out of sorts.

My muscles were still sore and I still felt like I had been flung into a wall several times and then stomped on.

The shooting and the suicide of the maid was still a mystery to me.

My body trembled at the thought, so I quickly quashed the memory down.

That was exactly what I had been doing for the last three days.

Every time I thought of Killian running over to me, shielding me with his body, the sound of the gun going off… and then his blood staining his white shirt and my hand – it triggered me.

So, I chose to trust Killian when he said that he had doubled the security on the island and that he was digging deeper into the matter.

“Do you want to go for a gallop?” I asked my mare. I rubbed a hand down her side, feeling how powerful she was. “I miss riding you.”

Our eyes locked and we seemed to have an understanding. My sweet girl had missed me too.

I grabbed her by the bridle and led her away from her stall. She chewed on some hay while I prepared my saddle.

The sound of footsteps approaching made me pause and I looked over Ragna’s shoulder to find Killian walking into the stable.

Without as much of a single word, I looked away and ignored his presence.

We barely said a word to each other since the night in my room.

We had dinner in silence and once our plates were cleared away, we’d leave the table without as much of glance at each other.

I saw him with Samuel a few times, walking down the corridor, deep in conversation and every time, I went in the other direction.

The distance between us had grown far wider than before.

Perhaps it was better this way…

“Say goodbye to your mare, Beasty,” Killian drawled, his tone frosty.

My head snapped in his direction, pausing while I had been trying to strap the saddle on Ragna.

“Excuse me?”

I had been so surprised he was speaking to me that his words didn’t even register to my brain and when they did, I felt myself grow cold.

His head cocked to the side and his gaze ran down the length of me, taking in the riding clothes that molded to my body from my chest to my hips and shapely legs.

“Come tomorrow, she won’t be here anymore,” he elaborated with a deadly calmness.

I should have known. I should have been prepared.

When Killian was this cool and collected, nothing good came out of it.

I had come to prefer his rage over his calm.

My heart stammered. “What are you talking about, Killian?”

“I sold her. To the highest bidder. She’s currently worth 250,000 dollars.”

My hand froze in mid-air, as I was about to give Ragna a pat.

“What did you just say?” My tone was deceptively soft, but I was feeling anything but.

My mind ran with all kind of thoughts and the ground swayed under my feet.

“Am I going to have to repeat everything I say?” His lips tugged to the side, but his expression lacked the warmth of any humane emotions.

“I said, I sold her. Say goodbye, Julianna.”

I shook my head, madly, and my hair flew in my face.

Even though it was a pretty warm day today, coldness seeped through my bones.

“Ragna is not going anywhere,” I said fiercely. “She’s mine. Your father gifted her to me.”

The only difference in his calm and collected posture was his nostrils flaring.

“Oh, really? Well, that’s too bad. The sale is final.”

“You can’t!”

“I can and I just did.” Killian spoke with such finality that it hurt to hear.

“Say goodbye. It’s your last chance, Beasty. I won’t be so nice about it again.”

“No,” I choked, wrapping my arm around Ragna’s neck. “You can’t. Please.”

Ragna let out an alarmed neigh, and I could feel her grow agitated.

As if she was in tune with my emotions. As if she understood what was happening.

My mare stomped forward, putting herself between Killian and I.

I let out a sob, hugging her tighter. I love you. I love you. I love you, my favorite girl. My best girl. My sweet love.

Killian snatched the rein from my hand, guiding Ragna forward and away from me.

“Don’t… don’t take her away from me,” I pleaded, my voice breaking.

Ragna was the only thing I had left. My only companion.

She understood me better than anyone else. I couldn’t lose her, not when I no longer had anything to call my own.

Killian smile cruelly.

His head lowered, his nose brushing against my jaw, over the veil.

His breath fanned over my ear and his whispers left cracks in my already fragmented heart.

“Atone for your sins, wife.”

My face crumpled and a sob escaped past the lump in my throat as Killian led Ragna away.

My mare looked back at me, confused and alarm. She let out a snort, throwing her head back, her beautiful mane flying into the air, as her tail lashed back and forth.

I clutched my chest, willing for the ache to go away, but the pressure built and built, growing more intense.

Ragna and Killian disappeared and I was left alone in the stables, without my mare and with only a bleeding heart.

Atone for your sins, Killian had said.
But that was exactly what I had been doing for the last three years.

Atoning.

Until I became a forgotten daughter, an unloved wife and a lost woman.

The tears spilled down my cheeks, drenching my black veil.

Ragna was the only thing that truly mattered.

The beautiful creature I dreamed of in my fairy tales.

I thought that even though there was no prince charming in my story… or a happy ending, at least I had my Ragna.

Sure, I didn’t have a knight in shining armor riding on a white horse to save me from this cursed castle and cursed story.

But I didn’t need a knight in shining armor.

For I was the one who rode on the white horse.

And now… she has been taken away from me.

Snatched away, so mercilessly.

How unfair, how cruel, how heartless.

I sunk to the ground, my fingers clenching the grass where Ragna had stood, just mere seconds before.

Her hooves had left imprints in the grass, the only proof that she existed, that she had been here.

My Ragna.

Days had passed and I felt myself drifting further from reality.

It was absolutely terrifying, to feel yourself lose control of your own mind, your own emotions and your own body.

To suffer in silence, to breathe through a broken heart – the kind of deep suffering that changes who you are from the inside.

You become adrift, lost in a vast ocean of… nothingness. How could emptiness be so heavy?

To feel so unworthy of love, to feel so… lost.

The first time I had found myself in a confession box, spilling my fears to the Priest, he had said, atone for your sins. You will find salvation.

And so, I had been doing that. For the last three years.

Yet, my salvation had only come with more heartbreak.

“Julianna?” The sound of my name being called out had me flinching.

I blinked and turned toward the owner of the voice. William Spencer.

His fork had paused mid-way to his mouth and he gave me a concerned look.

“Did you hear what I just said?”

I licked my lips and shook my head.

“No, I’m sorry. I got distracted.”

My father-in-law granted me a small smile.

“Have you chosen your gown yet?”

Right, the masquerade ball. The reason why William came back to the Island.

Three days from today, the ball would take place.

The castle was more active than ever as arrangements were being made.

Nothing should be lacking; William had strictly said. Including me.

It was going to be my first official appearance as Julianna Spencer.

I had to dress accordingly; I was expected to smile, to mingle, to laugh.
And to show the world just how in love my husband and I were.

An imperfect marriage but a perfect lie and a pretty façade.

William’s eyes darted between his son and me.

His lips thinned when he noticed how rigid my shoulders were and just how tensed Killian was.

We were sitting next to each other at the dining table, while William had his late lunch.

Killian and I had already eaten – separately – before his father had arrived on the Island an hour ago.

Our chairs had been pulled closely together, our shoulders touching, as if to give the perfect picture that we were one team. Civil and in love.

“Yes, I have chosen a gown already,” I said, keeping my tone mellow.

The hand on my thigh tightened in what I assumed was… satisfaction.

My thigh burned under his touch, even though my dress kept him from touching my bare skin.

I eyed Killian from the corner of my eye, watched him smile at his father as if everything was right in our marriage life.

Since he took Ragna away, a week ago, I barely even spoke a word to him.

Selene had been right to warn me about him. She told me Killian would drag out all my vulnerabilities and use my weaknesses against me.

I had been a fool to think that I could handle Killian Spencer and come out of this battle unscathed.

A fool who had been in love.

A fool who believed in second chances in life.

A fool who had thought she’d find redemption.

But I wasn’t foolish to think that Killian was done with me.

No, he still found ways to insult me, to humiliate me, to take away all the little things that made me happy.

William went on about the masquerade ball, telling us how he expected the night to go and then the conversation had moved to their work, talking about Killian’s upcoming campaign for senator, which had nothing to do with me.

So, I sat back against my chair and just nodded along.

But even then, Killian didn’t grant me peace.

He really was a thorn stuck under my flesh. His thumb circled my knee and I frowned.

His touch was tentative, almost teasing.

Shocked, I found myself growing still as his fingers drifted past the slit in my dress, until his callous hand was on my bare skin.

Gooseflesh peppered my skin and my breath hitched.

Oh God. What was he doing?

My eyes darted to William, but he was unaware of his son’s intention.

I gripped the table’s edge when his fingers inched higher toward the juncture of my thighs.

My legs clenched, only to end up trapping his hand between my thighs, and Killian grinned.

I should have stopped him. I really should have, but it was the way he caressed me that made me pause.

Tenderly. Deceptively gentle.

Teasingly.

Aside from the two kisses we had share, Killian hasn’t touched me in any other way.

He had told me very early on that he was disgusted by the idea of touching me; what changed now?

So, I knew… for the sake of my own sanity, I should have stopped him.

But I didn’t.

Because I was glutton for punishment.

And because even though my husband was a brutal man, I craved his touch.

Filled with longing, I allowed him to do as he pleased.

Call me weak; call me spineless – but you wouldn’t understand. I had my reasons.

I let out a barely audible gasp when Killian reached my satin p anties.

Killian continued his conversation with his father, with all the epitome of calmness.

He was so contained while I was so… out of control.

His thumb moved in circles, massaging my flesh, a knowing smirk plastered over his lips.

“I’m sorry,” I choked, pushing the chair away from the table.

Killian’s hand slid out from under my dress and with his other hand, he brought his flute to his lips, taking a slow sip.

All nonchalant, without any remorse.

“I have…. I’m not feeling quite well. I think I need to lay down. Excuse me.”

A concerned look flashed over William’s face, but I was already walking away, my legs trembling.

The moment I was in my room, I lunged toward the bed.

But the wrinkled and torn papers on my mattress stopped me in my tracks.

I had spent all morning reading through Arabella’s words again.

Lost in her past, so inevitably intrigued by a ghost that I had forgotten just how tragic my own story was.

With a deranged wail, I swiped a hand over my bed, shoving all of Arabella’s letters and poems onto the ground.

I fell onto my bed, shoving my face into my pillows and letting out the scream I had been holding.

I screamed until my throat was raw and dry, until I couldn’t breathe. How stupid I had been. How foolish I had acted.

I could almost hear Arabella clucking her tongue at me in sympathy.

Go away.

I slapped my hands over my ears, shutting everything out.

I was locked away in an ancient castle, with the ghosts of the past coming to haunt me.

The old love stories didn’t survive in this cur$ed castle. How did I think mine would?

Killian’s hatred for me was unstrained… boundless…it was a never-ending calamity of soul-wrenching malice and rage.

Loving Killian Spencer was a death sentence. What we had, it was a catastrophe in the making.

It wasn’t like I expected a happy ending, anyway.

I didn’t deserve a happy ending. I was the villain, after all.

A wretched scream left my throat, spilling into my pillows.

My door creaked open and I sucked in a harsh breath, swallowing my cries before I peeked up from my pillow to see Killian coming into my room.

Oh God, please. Have mercy.

“Get out of my room, Killian.” I pointed at the door, my tone frosty and without any emotion. “You’re not welcome here.”

“Why are you so angry, wife?” he taunted, closing the door with his feet. “You’re acting like your panties aren’t still soaked with your juices and that my hand wasn’t just up in there.”

He brought his hand up to his nose, inhaling with a wicked grin. “My fingers still smell like your cunt, Beasty.”

My nostrils flared at his crude words.

The calmness that existed inside of me for the last three years was gone, disappearing with a single moment.

I heard something snap inside of me.

I felt it.

“If you dare touch me ag–”

Killian chuckled. “If I want to fk you – whenever, wherever and however I want, I will. If I want to hurt you, I will. You are my wife, Julianna. You took vows. To love, to cherish and to obey… till death do us part.”

His head cocked to the side, regarding me with such contained ease, it made me mad.

“Do you remember my vows, wife?”

He took a step further inside my room, but I was done.

So done with him and his games. I bounced off the bed, shaking with fury.

I ripped through the laces of my bodice until my bra-clad breasts spilled out. His eyes flared with surprise and his jaw tightened, but I wasn’t finished yet.

If Killian thought he had such control over me and my body, then I was going to prove him wrong.

“Go ahead. Fk me,” I hissed, my voice dripping with venom. “Do it. But know… I will never give birth to your child if you force me.”

My words stalled him. I finally got a reaction, breaking through his cool composure.

“You’ll hurt my child?” he said, his voice deceptively soft.

I nudged my chin up, meeting his cold eyes without as much of a flinch.

“Yes.”

“You’ll kill another innocent life because of your selfish needs?” Killian sneered.

That made him flinch and I realized that I had hit right where it hurt.

I stalked closer, feeling truly brave for the first time since the accident.

“And from having to live a life filled with vicious hate. No child wants to find out he or she was conceived through rape. I’ll be doing the baby a favor because you’re not worthy enough to be my child’s father.”

We glared, fire burning between us until we stood in the ashes of what we used to be.

His fists clenched at his sides, and then I saw the moment he chose to ignore my words and to turn the tables around again, in his favor.

But it was too late, for I already knew his weakness.

I might have been battle worn, bruised and bleeding, but I have had enough of being Killian’s plaything.

Atonement or not.

“Ballsy,” he mocked. “I have to say, I’ve missed your sharp tongue over the last week. You were too docile for my liking.”

“You got what you wanted. You humiliated me over and over again–”

“And yet you’re still standing here, with raging grey eyes and spitting fire.”

He gestured toward me, where I was still in the state of half-undress.

“Because you can’t break what’s already broken,” I snarled through my veil. “How many times do I have to tell you this before it gets through your thick skull?”

He grinned, almost like he enjoyed seeing me snap.

When he took a step closer, I put a hand out in warning.

“Take another step toward me and I will scream.”

Killian quirked an eyebrow in response. “Go ahead, Beasty. Be my guest. Scream as loud as you can, I dare you.”

If I wanted to win this battle, I had to play dirty.

Like Killian had done to me multiple times.

He had pushed so many of my buttons, that I had come undone and I didn’t know how to stop.

With jerky fingers, I laced up my bodice again.

“You know what your problem is, Killian?” I said, my voice growing considerably soft.

Surprise flickered in his eyes and I smiled.

“You’re not tormenting me because you want to avenge Gracelynn’s death. No.”

I shook my head with a bitter laugh. “You needed someone to bear the brunt of your anger and your own suffering. You used the fact that I was guilt-ridden over my sister’s death and because you can’t be happy in your life, you want everyone else around you to hurt. And I was the sacrificial lamb.”

A shadow covered his face and I saw the moment his eyes grew darker, and for the first time, not with rage – but with something else.

I had finally found the cracks through his cold, steel armor.

“It’s not about vengeance any longer. It’s not even about Gracelynn’s death anymore,” I continued, pushing through because I was finally in his head.

“It’s purely about your ego, your arrogance and your need to blame someone else over the fact that you failed at protecting your lover. You weren’t there when she needed you and that eats you alive. But you know what? Instead of trying to work on your own issues, you are so set on making me miserable, not realizing that it also makes you miserable. How ironic, is it?”

He swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing with the hard gulp.

“Are you done? Are you done with your goddmn speech?” he barked, but I didn’t miss the quiver in his voice.

Killian lunged forward with a snarl and slammed me into the wall.

His body was on me, pinning me against the wall.

I expected him to retaliate. I awaited his vicious words, but when his forehead dropped to mine and his wine breath fanned over my face, through the veil, my heart seized up.

“I will never forgive you for this,” Killian whispered.

There was the crack I had been waiting for and I finally sunk through, fighting my way deeper.

Under his skin and into his flesh. I was in his mind, delving into his broken heart and holding his shattered soul together with threads around my fingers.

I shook my head, a bittersweet smile on my lips. “You’re not a bad person. I remember the man my sister fell in love with and that man is still there, buried underneath all that ugliness. You just need to let go, to accept that Grace is dead and to move on, Killian.”

Killian clenched his eyes closed and he took a shuddering breath, his chest pressing into mine.

“I hate you.”