BLAME IT ON THE PAIN : EPISODE 31 – 40
EPISODE 39
(Jackson)
“Goodbye, Jackson.”
With those words, she slams the door and takes off. Her necklace tossed on the ground.
I know I fked up. I know I shouldn’t have let her do what she did. Even if it was the best one I’d ever received.
I wanted to wait awhile before we did anything, I didn’t want to rush things and s¢rew it all up. But when she uttered those words…about being with another guy…I saw red.
And in all honesty, I thought she was into it after I called her on her bullsht. That look in her eye was gone, and her manipulation was replaced by lu$t. In some fked up way, I thought it was a good thing.
Clearly, I was wrong.
But I still don’t regret going after that piece of sht tonight.
She was taking too long in the bathroom and I thought something happened.
Something happened all right…that sht stain was standing right in front of her. How he ended up there in the first place is anyone’s guess.
I recognized his tattoo immediately. I was hoping I was mistaken, but deep down I knew it was him. I went into that place inside my head and I blacked out. I barely even remember any of it.
I thought I was in the cage…defending Lilly.
It wasn’t until my fist h it the floor and I heard Ricardo’s voice that I was brought back to reality.
Then I saw the look on Alyssa’s face. She was petrified.
And why wouldn’t she be? She just saw her boyfriend for all of two seconds on the verge of ki lling another person.
And trust me, if Ricardo wasn’t there…I would have ki lled him.
For all I know, I might have.
She didn’t utter a word the whole walk home. She just kept her head down and her arms crossed over her chest, shielding herself. I knew we had to talk about it. I knew I had to come clean about watching the video. I knew she would put two and two together and she deserved answers.
I wanted to give her those answers. But when I came out of the bathroom…something happened.
I didn’t understand it…but she became someone else. All I knew was that it was because of me.
I tried to talk to her, but she kept telling me she didn’t want to talk. Then, she kept throwing herself at me…and kept taking the control away from me. I knew I had to let her have it, within reason…but when I saw it going down a bad road my suspicions were confirmed.
I knew exactly what she was doing.
And the fact that she was doing it with me? Even though I made it clear to her time and time again that I didn’t want to be used by her….well, I couldn’t let it go down like that.
And I sure as h’ll wasn’t going to let her go running off to fk some other dude. That would only make things worse…not to mention, it would ki ll me.
So, I did the next best thing…I let her have what she was asking for.
Only, I was going to see to it that she wouldn’t be punishing herself. That this would be different. It felt like I was fighting against something that was even stronger than me…but I saw the moment the real Alyssa peeked through.
I let her take the control from me…let myself get lost in her, which is something I never, ever do. Not that I really had much of a choice in the matter because the things she did to me?
Well, fk.
P orn st..ars could learn a thing or several from her.
Then she looked up at me and gave me a smile that chilled me to the bone. My favorite dimple was nowhere in sight.
I told her the truth about watching the video…I didn’t lie. But she never let me explain myself because she took off.
Worst of all? She didn’t let me tell her how brave and strong I thought she was for making it through something like that. She didn’t let me tell her that I was falling for her. I knew I was a goner the second my lips touched hers in that club.
I want to chase after her, but I know she needs time to cool off. I know that when I push her too far, she doesn’t come bouncing back harder and stronger like I wish she would.
We might be similar in some ways, but unlike me, my girl’s not a fighter…she’s a runner. And even though I hate that…I’ll accept it because it’s who she is and I want all of her.
I hear a knock on the door and I can’t get there fast enough.
I’m disappointed when it’s Ricardo staring back at me. Not that I’m not thankful for his help.
Although, I still don’t know why he was there in the first place.
I open the door, gesture for him to come inside and cut to the chase. “Why were you there?”
He looks at me hard and I know I’m not going to like what he’s going to say. “No offense, but your girl was dressed to ki ll tonight. Even I couldn’t ignore how hot she looked. That being said, I already told you I was concerned about what would happen on the outside. I was going to tell you not to go. I didn’t have a good feeling about it.” He shrugs. “But then she mentioned that it was her birthday and I saw how excited she was. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that she must not get out much because of the video. My bad feelings were confirmed, though after you beat the mayor’s son to a bIoody pulp. ”
DeLuca was not going to be happy about this. Not one bit.
Ricardo must notice my expression because he says, “Don’t worry, I took care of everything.”
“How?”
“I had a few of DeLuca’s men waiting on deck, just in case something happened. Plus, I was in the wings myself. I wish I got to you sooner, but I didn’t see you go into the bathroom. I thought you left because I saw you both head out for the exit. I stayed back chatting it up with some hot redhead. Then I heard the commotion.”
He runs a hand through his hair. “You fked him up bad, Jackson. He’s got some serious damage. On the bright side, he was so zonked out of his mind he doesn’t remember sht before or after. He had no idea he was talking to Alyssa in the bathroom or that he got into a fi ght.”
He smirks. “I had Freddie wreck his car and stage it like he got into an accident because he was too stoned. I also issued him a warning. Not only did I tell him that you were in DeLuca’s circle and ran with him. I mentioned that if his memory about tonight were to ever come back, he and his car would be found at the bottom of the Atlantic.”
Part of me wishes that the ba$tard does end up remembering now. It’s what he deserves.
“Thanks. I owe you.” I pause. “But what about DeLuca’s men? What if they say something to him?”
I want to tell him that what I’m really worried about is someone mentioning Alyssa being there with me. But, as much as we’re friends—I can’t.
I’m in a bind because I don’t want to reveal Alyssa’s past. Partly because it’s not my place and partly because I really don’t know how strong Ricardo’s loyalty is to DeLuca. For all I know, he could spill the beans to DeLuca himself.
He jerks a shoulder up. “They won’t. They owe me a few favors. But, if DeLuca finds out, I’ll handle it. I don’t really see him flipping out over some stupid bar fight, anyway. He’s got much bigger sht to worry about. It’s not like you ended up in jail or on the news.”
His words should comfort me but they do the exact opposite. My memory kicks in and I remember that people had their phones out recording the fight.
“Sht. What about the cell phones? It was the mayor’s son. You know someone will be more than willing to sell the footage to tmz or post it online.”
“Took care of that too,” he says.
I vaguely remember him breaking a few cell phones. “What if you missed one? Then what?”
He considers this for a moment. “Then we take care of it.”
He looks around. “So where is Alyssa?”
I briefly tell him how I fked up. I leave out the part about her giving me a bj…but not about me watching the video.
“Fking Lou-Lou,” he growls. “She doesn’t know when enough is enough. Always causing problems.”
I don’t miss the intensity in his eyes when he says that.
“Yeah, but it was still me who watched it. I have no idea how the h’ll to fix this.”
“Maybe it’s best to just leave it alone and let it perish. Some things are better that way.”
Something tells me that it’s not me and Alyssa he’s talking about when he utters that statement.
I shake my head. “No. She’s special. I can’t let it end like this.”
He stands up. “Then do what you do best.” When I give him a weird look he says, “Fi ght for her, dummy.”
He’s right.
I’ve already tried texting her multiple times, though. I told her how sorry I was and explained what really happened with the tape.
I also told her that my feelings for her never changed after watching it. Nor have they changed after tonight…after I saw the other side of her. I told her that if she was willing, we would get through it together because I wasn’t giving up on her or us.
Then I told her that I was falling for her.
She still hasn’t responded.
I scan the living room and notice that in her rush to leave, she left her purse here.
Maybe that’s why she never responded to any of my texts.
I pick it up and can feel her phone vibrating through the material.
That’s when I realize what an id!ot I am. I shouldn’t be telling Alyssa those things via text. I should be saying them to her in person. Fighting for her like Ricardo said.
I turn around and face him. “I need another favor.”
“What’s up?”
“Can I borrow your car?”
BLAME IT ON THE PAIN : EPISODE 31 – 40
***
After promising Ricardo over and over again that I wouldn’t crash his prized Mustang. He handed over the keys.
I got Alyssa’s address off her license and plugged it into the gps on my phone. The drive wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.
Her neighborhood is quiet and the houses that line the streets are all large and upscale.
The lawns are green and the streetlights are all in working order. There’s no sign of drug dealers or garbage littering the sidewalks.
It’s the perfect suburb life. So different from the environment I grew up in.
I decide to park right behind her car in the driveway. I notice another car parked there as well…but from the looks of things, her house is so big, maybe she has a tenant or two living there.
Her driveway is long and her house sits on top of a large hill, meaning I’ve got a little bit of a walk ahead of me. Dozens of large oak trees line the property. After a solid three minutes of walking, I see a glimmer of light up ahead and I know I must be close.
The light from the porch becomes brighter and after another minute, I’m standing right in front of her house.
Then I see her.
But she’s not alone.
I see the back of some other guy, one who’s wearing a gray suit.
I can’t hear what he’s saying, but I watch as he gets down on his knees in front of her and grabs her h ips.
His hands are all over her, touching her everywhere…then he leans in and lifts up her dr ess.
Since her p’nties are still on the floor in the living room of my apartment, she’s fully exposed.
I’m less than a second away from charging full speed ahead and pummeling the id!ot.
Then I hear her shout something that takes the breath from my lungs. “I love you, Ford.”
I quickly turn away and run back down the hill.
I’m running down the hill as fast as I can, so I don’t go back and do something stupid…like beat the ever living sht out of an FBI agent.
An FBI agent she specifically told me wasn’t in her life anymore.
He sure as fk looked to be very much in her life…especially while he was positioning himself to go down on her.
I don’t even know what to think at this point. The only thing I feel is betrayed, hurt, and lied to.
And I know…I lied to her, too.
But unlike her lie, my lie was to protect her from harm.
I’ve done nothing but try and be there for this girl…I didn’t use her, intentionally hurt her, or betray her.
The question is…why the fk did Alyssa feel the need to do all of those things to me?
I know she’s got her de mons…I saw them up close and personal tonight. I also know that she thought the world of her dad’s old partner. I guess I know why now.
My chest tightens when I think about what she said. She loves him.
I made the mistake of falling for a girl who could never be mine because she already belongs to someone else.
My bIood boils at the thought.
But if she loves him…why did she lead me on?
No, no.
She wouldn’t do that. It would be stupid and dangerous to do that.
I force myself to breathe. I have to remind myself that if Alyssa was in fact, attempting some undercover sht…then she wouldn’t have told me about what DeLuca did to her dad.
Unless she made it up?
No. I saw the agony in her eyes that night when she confided in me. I felt it. There’s no way that was false.
At least, that makes one thing she told me true.
Tyrone tried to warn me about her in the beginning. H’ll, even Lou-Lou warned me about her. I just refused to listen. I didn’t want to believe it.
I thought I saw something inside of her that called to me…connected us. Something I wanted to take care of. Something I would have cherished until my dying breath.
I pull the car door open and grab her purse from the passenger seat of the Mustang.
I’m sure as sht not going back up that hill, but I also don’t want to have any of her stuff near me. I don’t need to be reminded of what a deceitful bch she is because I’m certain I’ll never forget.
And because I’m feeling extra spiteful at the moment, I snatch the necklace I got her. I put them both on the hood of her car. Now, I have absolutely no reason to ever see her again.
Although, if she ever showed up at my place; I’m sure I could have Lou-Lou play along and answer the door for me. I could make Alyssa think I was fking her. I could hurt her the way I’m hurting now, but I’d rather just be done with her for good.
I briefly consider keying her precious BMW, but quite frankly, I don’t have the energy to go all Carrie Underwood on her as s. I still have over an hour drive ahead of me.
Besides, I’m sure Mr. Special Agent, Daddy Warbucks would just offer to buy her a brand new car. Maybe he’s the one who bought her the one she has now.
I almost let myself love her. I was right there…on the cliff…already falling…about to land.
I just never knew I was headed for a crash landing.
BLAME IT ON THE PAIN : EPISODE 31 – 40
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