MY COLORLESS RAINBOW.
By Amah’s Heart.
It was not easy for me to cope with both my parents’ pressure and what I just recently discover from Jojo. It was not easy to live every day at a time despite I was trying to do exactly that. Living everyday was tough but I did not want to give people something more to chew, I want to leave them clueless on what is going on in my life.
As usual, I continued my work and also pretend as if I know nothing about Jojo and Richard.
Crawled into my shell and became hard nut to crack for anyone.
I took people as they are and did not fantasize over friendship with any.
If Jojo, who was close to me, she was one of my bosom friends I don’t joke with. If she can back-stab me and still come to laugh and dine with me then no friend is worth trusting.
Sometimes, while in the house or at work I will just start thinking about the whole thing that has happened to me both in the past and present, whenever I thought of it I can’t help to stop the tears from flowing.
I don’t supposed to hype myself for any reason but I know who I am. I am a good lady with a good heart who want to see others happy and succeeding. I’m willing to contribute to their happiness and will never take part in anything that will make them sad.
I used to be a happy girl, who laughs alot and plays too much. But I can’t remember how to really laugh or to be the woman I was meant to be.
I buried myself in work to escape depression. I refused to take any hard drugs, or drink my head off or even start messing around with other men.
My parents did not only raise me well, I chose my every part to be a well behaved girl and to make them proud but is unfortunate that my remaining wish is not fort coming.
I was disciplined, I love one man at a time. And when I give you my heart I give it all out and make the man the center of my life and that is why it hurt so badly whenever I’m left at the receiving end.
It hurt like I’m going to drop dead when I think of how much of a failure I am to myself.
I have all the qualification to boast in but that Is not what the society want to look at. That is not what my parents’ are looking at. More is required which is mainly settling down with a man.
My friends are all leaving me behind to acquire this one thing that seem to be more recognized in the eyes of the society. People see you like you have not made it in life and has no right to speak out boldly just because they feel without a man in your life you are not a complete woman. If you are not married you are lacking behind.
It feels like a hoaxed, something far more important than your own happiness.
I even feel worst myself. my love life have been a real mess, and no matter how I promise myself that I won’t fall in love after each heart break I will find myself falling in gradually to the same thing that almost broke me into pieces.
I see myself as a failure too and wish I can undo my birth. Maybe it will be better if I was never conceived at all than to come into the world and live among people who will only make you feel worst about yourself and tag you what you are not.
Life has made me do some stupid and weird things. Spending my whole paycheck and even added my saving to it just to buy an expensive engagement ring to engage myself.
Who does such thing, is sound stupid and unreasonable. Anybody that hears of it will think I am really mad yet that is what I have to do so that my people can leave me alone.
And now they are asking for the man that engaged me and I can’t provide any. I don’t know where to get a man who will play along with me and I will pay him. This whole idea is so pathetic.
Sometimes the only thing I want to do is to die so that everyone will leave me alone. So that I can have some peace. So that every hurt, pain and disappointment will be forgotten.
No one understands me, not even one person. The person I called my friend, who I thought I can share my worries and burden without being judged, I never knew she was a wolf in sheep clothing. Knowing that I loved Richard and still went for him, gave him pet name, sing his praise to my ears without shame or remorse. We hanged out, gist and eat together and all the while she was calling me a fool and feeling like a victor.
I started falling for a man, Mr Ohio and spoke to her about him and now she want the same man too.
Jojo is going for every man I wanted and trying to squash every ray of light that tries to come my way.
Why…why will somebody I call my dear friend do such and has no regret for it.
I want to understand reasons why bad things happened to me but I still can’t figure it all out.
If I say life is fair, I will be lying…life is very unfair and I don’t have the boldness to say that God is partial. Who are mine to even question however God chose to deal with me. He is all-knowing after all. So I have no right whatsoever to question him. If his plan is for me to become a laughing stuff or a mere mockery in the eyes of other people…so be it. But I wish he can see the content of my heart, I wish God can see I have no evil intention for anyone and will never hurt people intentionally. I wish God can change all my sadness and make me smile again. Maybe He should make a man love me for real this time, A real man who knows what he wants not the usual that I have being getting. Not some bunch of confused men who cannot differentiate a real woman from fake.
I was sitting alone during break time, after coming out from the ladies toilet where I went to cry over my life.
I have not eaten any reasonable food that day, I only took hot choco in the morning before leaving the house. The heavy sorrow in my heart that week made me loose appetite for food. Nothing seem to matter anymore to me.
Instead of going for lunch during break time, I seclude myself to a quiet place just to think over my troubled life.
I was sitting at that corner all by myself thinking, I wipe every tear drop that tries to roll down so that it won’t spoil my small makeup and make my colleague to think I was really crying or had a water splash to my face.
Suddenly I heard a familiar voice that startled me.
“Hey…Becca. Are you okay? I checked you at the cafeteria but you are not there, and is lunch time. I noticed you have being skipping lunch this week and going off all by yourself. Are you alright…look at me. Have you being crying? What happened to you Becca…talk to me please?
Mr Ohio was the last person I expected to see there. Ever since he saw my engagement ring, which is almost two weeks now. Ever since then, he kept his distance and I have tried to avoid running into him. I have being avoiding him and did not want him to see me again.
I have taken off the miserable ring from my hand, it was beginning to remind me of how stupid I am.
I only wear it when I know Jojo the betrayer, Anita or any of my friends or relatives was coming around. But after they are gone I will remove it.
I was not expecting to see him close to me again, I quickly wiped my eyes with the tissue paper in my hand.
I try to talk but I don’t even know what to say to him. He moved more closer to me, I can perceive his fine cologne which usually identifies him whenever he walk pass.
He try to touch me but withdraw his hand. I guess he was having a double mind doing that.
“Talk to me, what is the problem? What happened Becca…why are you here all alone, crying? Did something bad happen? I may help you if you will open up to me. Just trust me. I don’t care if you are engaged or already married. All I want to do is to help you as a friend but I need you to trust me please…
Ohio spoke with a caring tone, as I look into his eyes I saw he was serious and was willing to help. But how will he help me. I have a big problem and is even bigger than him.
As I look at him and try to explain my trouble, the word got stock at my throat. I was even ashamed of myself to even tell him anything. I needed someone to talk to and I don’t know who to trust any more.
As I try to speak I burst into real tears. I started crying like a baby as if somebody beat me. I bent my head from the embarrassment I was causing the young man.
I couldn’t even stop the tears this time as it wash off the make up on my face, I did not give it a second thought. All I wanted to do was to cry out my sorrow and feel better when I’m done.
I used do that and I avoid crying in public but today was different, I couldn’t even stop myself. I wish Ohio was not there, I was feeling ashamed that he was watching me as I cry.
I try to get a tissue to wipe my face but the one I had was soiled.
Ohio bent over and took my hand, he lifted me up and draw me into a hug.
I struggled to get away but he held me tight to his chest and did not say a word until I was emotionally stable.
His cloth was stained with my tears mixed with the dirt from my face. Ohio did not care about his well ironed starched shirt getting messed up. All he cared was for me to be fine.
He led me to his car. His driver was sitting inside the car, he told the man to excuse him for some time and the man stepped down obediently.
He sat at the driver side after opening the door and guiding me in.
I sat beside him. As I checked the time, the one hour break was already over, I need to return back to my office seat and continue my work.
He stopped me from going and told me not to worry about working for the rest of that day. He said I was safe with him and no one will question that.
“Relax Becca, can you tell me what made you cry… talk to me. I may be able to help. Don’t be shy…I’m only a friend, trying to help another friend….if you will let me.
“I need a man to present to my parents as my fiance. A man who will play a perfect convincing role and pretend to be truly my fiance. I’m ready to pay or do whatever you want me to do as a form of payment. I just want my people to leave me the hell alone. I want to have a peace of mind, I’m tired of everything that life has thrown at me and want out. I will do whatever you want me to do or even pay any amount. But please don’t charge me too high, I’m not much of a classic fat earner. I’m just a 29years old lady struggling to live in a world filled with unknown enemies. I don’t even know who to trust anymore. Very soon another date will click and I will be 30years old. That is how time will be moving and before you know it, I’m close to the grave with neither a husband nor children. Life has dealt with me in a different way and I just want everyone to let me be. If I can convince my parents about the man in my life, they will let me be for the main time. I wish to…to…
I quickly recovered from running my mouth without thinking. I actually said everything without a real thought to it and when I saw the shock on his face I couldn’t proceed. I have said enough already.
Ohio may want to know why I’m looking for a man when I’m already engaged to one. He will really think I’m dumb and crazy to have engaged myself if I confess the truth to him.
I have being lying so much this days and I did not want that to become part of me.
I quickly apologized to him for running my wide mouth and asking him for the impossible.
“I’m so sorry sir. I…I wasn’t thinking. Please forget everything I said to you. Maybe I should really get back to work. I don’t want to bother you please.
He was looking at me strangely, not with his usual smile but with a surprised face which made me ashamed.
“Why…why are you looking for a man to play such a sensitive role Becca? I’m surprise to hear you say those first sentences. What happened to the man you have being engaged to? I mean, is your parents not aware that you are engaged already or they just want something different? I don’t understand Becca.
I picked my word carefully as I try to reply him.
“Is a long story sir. You will not understand. That is the only help I needed but I will find a way out of my dilemma. You have being helpful enough by listening to me. I appreciate sir.
He looked away from me and did not say anything for some time. He did not force me to start explaining what I meant, he just went all quiet. I got so uncomfortable with his quietness and was ready to get down from the car and disappear into thin air with my shameless self.
“I will help you Becca but…if you are sure that no man will come to harass me after or during the whole act. I hate drama and I try as much as possible to stay away from relationships drama. I will do whatever that will make you happy Becca, anything that will bring smile back to your face. Trust me…I’m not like all the bunch of people who betrayed you in the past. Tell me how many days we will be spending? The time we will be leaving? What does your parents likes so that I can do small shopping for them. Tell me what you like too. Give me details of how your parents will want their supposed son inlaw to act or behave and I will try and do exactly that. And you have to be precise about the days so that I will know how to reschedule any appointment. I’m not asking you to pay me with anything yet…you cannot even pay me if I ask for money. I can’t take you to bed as another means of payment just because I decide to do you a little favor. no, I’m not that kind of man. I once told you I’m a straight forward person and don’t like beating around the bush. If I wasn’t going to help, I would have said so clearly. If I wanted something from you I would have also make that known. my main payment is to see you smile. And basically, I will be doing this as your true friend. Start seeing me as one. My name is not “sir”. My real name is Ohio Jacobs. And I will give you more details in case they ask you about my background. And you will also tell me things I need to know about your family so that I will be prepared for whatever is ahead. By the way you look 20years to me not 29 or 30. You are beautiful and young. You are smart and I know you have a cheerful heart. Don’t let anybody make you feel inferior about yourself Becca. You can be 30 or 40 or even 60years old and it will not matter to those who truly care about you. Love can find you at any point and at any age. You need to start living your best life without any apology to others who feels you are either too old to laugh or too old to drive your first car, too old to get married or have your first child. Do not pay attention to people who feel you are too old to even complain over anything. Don’t let them get to you Becca. Your heart is pure and you deserves to be happy. I will help you in any way you want to be helped but you must be open to me and keep no secret. Alright? Please smile for me, I love to watch you smile. Give me your usual smile before we start executing our plans. You can count on me….
I was dumb founded, I couldn’t believe that Ohio agreed to help me.
I smile and even began to laugh at same time.
I felt like hugging him to show how grateful I am but I held but myself from doing that.
he was smiling too as he watch me laugh.
I wanted to jump and dance happily immediately he agreed to help me and I saw that he meant every word he just said.
Finally, I got a man who will play the game of convincing my parents. and he is doing it without payment of any kind.
I thought I will be disgraced if I failed to provide a man. It was one of my new developed trouble, it worries me day and night on how to go about it but surprisingly, help just located me.
It made me very happy and I can’t wait to proceed with Ohio to pay my parent’s a visit.
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