(Love in circles)
BY BLESSING SILVER
The smoothness, soft and tender sent a pleasant tingle to my flesh.. A soft sound released itself from my vocal cord.. Obviously liking what it felt. I grabbed the sheets and my face twitched as the feeling transported from my lower body to the upper body in a new sensation; pulling some obstacles away and working on them in a massaging motion that was relaxing.. My closed eyes tightened when the tender touch was starting to get rough after getting close to my naked upper flesh. My reverie was starting to become alarming and somehow.. Dangerous. With an agitated face, I caught the object before it got to my underwear, it felt solid, yet soft and squishy with slightly pricking thorns, there was a tug.. My eyes flung open into the dim light of the morning and haphazardly I reached for the switch and the light filled the room.. My eyes flew to my front and a shiver ran down my spine when I saw Allan. A cocky yet intimidating smile stayed at his face sides and I quickly sprang away from him.. Unable to say anything; I only let my thoughts flow..
How did he get in here?
I’m pretty sure I locked up before going to sleep..
What will he do to me?
Is this going to a short night?
Oh please lord..
That was the simple yet alarming and devastating word he uttered out.. My breathing move to my throat and became audible. I drew the hem of my pj close to myself.
“No… P-please” my voice was accompanied with soft sobs, it almost made me sound inaudible..
“I don’t want to repeat myself.. Let’s do this gently” he said seductively.. The look in his eyes showed me Allan wasn’t taking no for an answer.. I knew better, it’ll all only get worse but I can’t let him do this..
“I’m not an animal t-that you can just have anytime you want. I’m human too Allan.
I’m your sister, your only family.. We share the same parent and we shouldn’t be doing this it’s n–
“I said fucking undress!” He yelled, sending a slap across my face..
Before I could utter a word, he roughly dragged me to him and the upper part of my hand pressed against a hard edgy metal.. In a bid to get away from the pricking pain and then Allan, I forcefully tried to pull my hand away.. Blood was beginning to pour out from the wound to the bed and seeing it, made me weaker..
I let Allan be..
I miserable got myself ready for school after making Allan’s breakfast, I was able to take down an apple for breakfast because of how hungry and weak I was.. I took it down with a glass of water and walked out of the house.
I got to school late.
Homeroom was over and first class was on. I walked to my class and met Mr Robert in class and unfortunately his mood swing was on the negative side and a little bad this time. Without letting me talk much, he sent me to the detention room and asked me to take gums out of the furnitures until lunch break.. Yeah, it’s a tough task cos detention room is where the bad students stay and gum chewing is like a ritual that happens everyday.. He stuck a card to my cloth in his office and sent me out.
Outside the door I met Martha and Lance and blabbed some random tale to them, tagging it as the reason for my lateness and they believed me.. I still feel so bad about what happened and this punishment, makes me feel worse. Lance promised to update my note while Martha decided to help me with my work. We both know Mr two-face wouldn’t allow that but she assured me that she’ll be on the look-out..
We took out gums all morning with a flat spoon-like object, getting scorns and sneers from the students in the room which Martha or course, attended to. Mr Robert came to check out on me and Martha had to hide. He left after giving me this stern look.
Martha and I finished the work few minutes into lunch break.. Not because the gums were that much but because the pulling was a tedious task.. Some gums have been stuck there for ages.
I took the sack of gum to Mr Robert, he released me with a stern warning before taking back his stupid tag. Martha and I left to wash up..
“Ah geez! I feel so gooey! It’s like I’ve got gums all over me” She exclaimed..
“Sorry..” I said with a smile, knowing it’s because of me.
I washed up first and waited for her to finish up, we walked out together and arrived at the hallway, talking.
We haven’t gone far when I sighted Nick from afar, walking toward our hall.. I unconsciously grip her shoulder and she stopped..
“What?” She questioned.
“I think Nicholas is coming here” I said.
“Where’s h– oh he’s over there and it looks like he’ll pass here. Should I tell him you’re here” she said, tip toeing to call him..
“Don’t do that.. I know he’s coming here but I don’t want him to see me, I don’t want to talk to him” I said and she cocked an eyebrow at him..
“Are you guys having your not-dating-couple quarrel again?” She asked gesturing with her palm..
“No.. He’s almost here Martha! Just tell him I’m not here, no tell him you’ve not seen me.. No, that’d sound suspicious.. Tell him I’m not in school” I rushed my words..
“Please just do it!” I said, literally yelling. I gave her a faux smile and ran out..
I entered a class, it was practically empty since lunch break was still on, I rested on the wall and sighed out..
“Hi Nicholas” I heard Martha pretentious cheerful voice..
“Oh um hey.. You’re Jacqueline’s friend right?” Nick voice followed.
“I am. I’m Martha”
“Oh.. Good to know” I know he wasn’t sincere.. “So where’s Jacqueline?”
“She’s not here”
” Do you know where she is?”
“Probably at her house cos she isn’t in school today” Martha said and I breathed out.
“Oh..” His voice sounded disappointed “Um thanks.. I’ll see you some other time then”
I moistened my lower lip.
Why am I always running from him ever since his confession? Or is he correct, does it mean I love him..
I let my head move back to the wall, thinking about today’s event.
Even if I love him, I don’t think we can be together.. I don’t think I’m ready to be in any relationship.
How can I love someone knowing that another is in control of my body? How will he even feel knowing how dirty I am?
I know somehow, if we start dating the truth will come out cos he might suddenly want to see my parent and know where I stay and then–
I shudder at the thought.. He’ll definitely freak out. He must’ve seen me as a girl who loves being carefree and has little or no problem.. All that’ll definitely change when he meets Allan. How will I even be able to bear that? How will Nick see me after it?
They’re so many questions that I’m scared to answer or think of one.
Everything Nicholas sees in me will probably disappear and– geez! I can’t even face him.. He’s the first guy that have ever made me feel this way and I’m certain it won’t last once he knows about the real me.. Once he sees the scars I’ve been shielding, once me life come into the spotlight.
I moistened my lips a second time, getting the thoughts off my head, I stood upright..
Face it Jackie, your life has been titled a cursed one right from the start.
“Hey Nick’s gone. You can come out now” Martha said, her head popping through the doorpost..
I sniffed and walk out..
“Okay now I’m ready to hear why I had to act a drama I wasn’t prepared for” Martha said and I sighed.
“Okay.. I’ll be straightforward.
Nick said he likes me”
“Wow.. That’s fantastic news. It’s like I saw this coming that’s why it isn’t hyping me up..I told you there was something else to all those couple-like acts but wait.. Is that why you’re avoiding him?”
“I guess so. I’m just confused Martha, I don’t know what I feel for him”
“Isn’t it clear? It’s boldly written on your face”
“That you’re so in love with him too”
“Oh please Mart, stop exaggerating. I’m still thinking about it”
“Alright but don’t blow this one off. I know you’re not a picky type like me but believe me when I say this one’s the best for you”
“Cos he’s a ‘hottie’?”
“Cos he’s everything I’d want in a guy.. He’s got all the look girl”
“Everything you’d want Martha not me. I know what I want”
“Wait.. Are you saying you’ll reject him?”
“I don’t know but please stop being too nosy in this.. You’re making me feel awkward. Just let me do what I think is right”
“Okay but I want you to think about this CAREFULLY.. Trust me you won’t want to blow this one up.. Something tells me he’s a rare good type” Martha said..
“Yeah. And you’ll be getting me lunch today, I can’t risk going out”
“I know.. Just tell me what you want”.
I walked away from Jacqueline’s friend with a sad expression.. She isn’t In school? Did she skip school today cos of me?.. Is that how much I’m affecting her or she has another reason to skip school today?
I breathed out and was getting to the stairs when I saw Selena climbing up, our gaze met and we both stopped walking.. Her gaze was soft and calling on me.. I felt my once hardened heart get softened at her, I suddenly felt like letting it all go.. Jacqueline taught me that..
“Hi” her voice was cracked “I didn’t know I’d bump into you. I’m not here to make you angry or anything I just came to see Jason and decided to say Hi to Jacqueline” she said.
“Are you sure that’s really why you’re here?”
“No.. I just wanted to know how you’re doing. I can only know that through Jacqueline” she said.
I moved down the stairs to her..
“Jacqueline isn’t In school and as you can see… I’m fine”
“Yeah.. I’m glad to know that” she said and paused, I sensed she wanted to say something. “I’ve not given up on you yet Nick and I don’t think I’ll ever do that, I’m just giving you some space cos I think it’s what you need and I’m sorry if I probably disgust you, I’m more sorry for leaving you and I’m most sorry that you won’t stop seeing this bad woman”
“I forgive you” I said and her eyes widen.. “Yes. I do”
“W-what? Really?” She cried..
“OMG.. Thank you so much” she pulled me back in a hug and after staying for a while, I slowly hugged her back.. She pulled away, touched my cheeks and hugged me again.
“T-thank you so much” her words came out in sobs.. I smiled a little. “I’m so happy Nicholas, my biggest wish just got fulfilled”
She pulled away and I saw the sincerity her eyes held.. She looked at my face, as if staring at my soul.
“Can we go somewhere and talk?” She asked and I nodded..
We sat on one of the many benches away from the school building.. Students were hanging around too.
Selena’s palm touched mine and I turned to her, she flashed a toothy smile at me.
“I can’t thank you enough for this Nicholas but just know that I’m really grateful.. I feel more human now.
I know you’ll gradually start accepting me. Days back I thought you’d never forgive me, though I know I won’t give up on you a second time but I was just scared of hearing you say all those hurtful words to me and giving me those anger-filled looks.. Yeah I know I deserve more, no word can describe my actions in the past but I’m truly changed now.. I’ve outgrown my stupid, childish acts and about Jason.. I’ve talked a lot to him and I’ll keep doing it.. Everything’s my fault anyways. I’m sorry once more and I’m glad you forgave me” she said. I gave a glance to our palms. Normally I’d have pushed it away and seriously part of that urge came but when I drove it off my mind, I noticed that I felt less concerned about it.. That hateful effect was almost gone.
“Jacqueline helped me realize that piling your heart with hatred only makes you more burdened, she taught me that holding a grudge has no advantage at all especially when forgiveness have been asked for. I never believed I could forgive you too but here, I did and I don’t feel bad. But accepting you back is..” I paused, thinking of an appropriate word and she nodded slowly, her misty eye dropped a tear.
“I understand. It’ll be almost impossible and I’m willing to wait for it, I won’t give up on you. Same way you realized how to forgive me, you’ll know when to accept me too and I’m ready to wait for it, no matter how long it takes. I’m glad we can talk now without you giving me hateful glares and saying hurtful words to me. I’ll wait for you my son” she said and not minding the students, she pulled me in a hug which I reciprocated.
“Can I ask of a favor?” She asked, pulling away.
“Um what favor?”
“Can you call me mom? I’ve always dreamt of hearing you call me that.. Please” she said and nervously I rubbed my temples. This will be hard.
“Uh.. M-m-mom?” I stuttered and she smiled from ear to ear.
“Oh my.. I’m so happy to hear it. And I hope someday you’ll call me that without me having to ask. I’ll wait for it” she said and I smiled a little.
I escorted mom to her car when she decided to leave after lunchtime was over, she gave me a small hug, a big smile and hopped into her car.
After school which was surprisingly uninteresting cos of Jacqueline absence, I drove home, showered and emptied a can of soda drink. After an hour, Lance came over and while anticipating Jackie’s presence, we finished up our project without her. Lance stood up to answer a call and I sat on the floor, giving myself reasons why Jackie was absent.. Lance came in later..
“That was Jackie, she wants me to apologize to you for her absence, says she’s at work” he said..
Okay, why didn’t she just call me?
I shrugged and walk to my room, leaving Lance to our project.. I came out later and he was gone, our bike was in the store room.
I plopped to a couch, feeling bored and thoughtless. I got up, grabbed my keys and head to the driveway.
I drove to the store where Jackie works and while checking the time and waiting for her to come out, I hopped down from my car and got some coffee at a coffee stand close-by.
I was on the last gulp and it was few minutes to ten when she walked out of the store, a little restless. I threw the plastic cup in the street waste bin and waited for her to walk to me. She stopped and took out her phone to answer a call, after talking for a while she slipped it into her bag and started walking back into the store.. Before she got there, I quickly sent her a call and at the door, she stopped, checked it, after a while she slipped it into her bag, leaving it to ring.
She walked into the store, I resred my butt on my car front. Taking in slow breathes..
She came out minutes later, with a bag this time and started coming to me, halfway to where I was, she stopped.. Her gaze was on me, a look of uncertainty stayed in her expression. I stood and walk to her, not taking my gaze off..
“Hey” I said and she gulped, giving me a bashful look.
“H-hi. How long have you been waiting here” she asked slowly.
“Long enough to see you ignore my call” I said and she looked down.
“Sorry. I.. Had to attend to something inside” she said.
“We both know that’s not why.. You’ve been like this since after I let out my feelings to you, you’ve started ignoring me .. Am I correct?”
“Kind of” she breathed out.
“Was that why you skipped school today too?”
“I-I didn’t skip school Nick”
“What? But your fr– wait, you asked her to say that, didn’t you?”
“I did” she said and I gave a stare.
“Jeez Jackie.. I can’t believe you’d do that, I mean is it that hard for you to admit your feelings too and stop all this or are you doing this on purpose?” I asked, a little irritated..
“Listen Jackie, I know it can be hard at the first time, especially when it comes unexpectedly, I’m a victim of that. The signs were very obvious but I chose to remain ignorant and when I finally let it all out, the feeling was good.. Just let it out too and trust me, the relief is one of the best you can feel” I said and she looked down, as if contemplating. She was quiet..
“Are you that nervous?” I asked..
“It’s not really that Nick” her voice was soft.
“Then what’s wrong?”
“Th-there’s no feeling” she said “I don’t love you the way you want me too”
Her voice was too calm, I almost didn’t hear it but I felt my breathing hitch at my throat.
“What!?” I asked.
“Yes,” her throat moved in a gulp.. “I’m not inlove with you. I’m sorry”
“Then why can’t you say it to my face, why can’t you look at me and tell me?!” I asked and she looked at me then away..
“I can’t but I’m being honest” she said, sniff and tried walking away but I grabbed her hand..
“Why? Cos I could swear I saw the signs. Why did you suddenly refuse today after all these days?” I asked.
“Cos it’s uh.. It’s what’s right” she said “I know I hurt your feelings but this is about me too, it’s about my feelings and I’m only doing what I should do” she said, took my palm off my hand and walked past me..
I gulped deeply and pushed myself to my car.. I just got rejected.
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