WHITE!!!;The color of your heart??????????
(A wall flower’s guide to finding God)
Chapter 20
(The thin line……)
Sead stood in front of Ileri’s hostel building, staring longingly at the worn out walls.
What exactly was he doing right now?
The last time he had spoken to her was when she had called him to notify her of her safe arrival at home.
But it had been three days since then, and she had gone completely radio silent.
He had called and texted, but hadn’t been able to to get in touch with her.
His worry had only heightened by that, and now he found himself at her hostel, not really knowing what he was hoping to find there.
He figured that at least exercising his legs would help alleviate the feeling of helplessness that coursed through his veins.
He gave the hostel building one last long look, then turned around to leave.
But before he could take the first step, he noticed a familiar figure walking up to the hostel, head bowed, a carrier bag on her shoulders.
He sighed in relief.
She was back.
Her shoulders were drooped, and he could feel the gloom and sadness emanating from her body.
His brows creased in worry.
Something had happened at home, hadn’t it?
She looked up and her teary eyes caught his, stopping her sluggish motion and she took him in for a few seconds. The tears seemed to well up even more in her eyes as she gradually started to walk towards him again, and much to his surprise, rested her forehead on his chest.
His eyes widened slightly at the contact.
Her body shook with sobs, and he bit his lip, but didn’t stop her.
He could feel her tears seeping through the fabric of his shirt and dampening his skin.
He rose his hand to wrap around her body, but gave it a second thought, and clenching his fists, forced his hands back to his sides.
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By the time I had arrived back in school, it was already dark. I had managed to hold in my tears the whole ride back, fearing how people would look at me if I cried in publi more than the idea of letting out my pain, but as I stepped out the hostel compound and saw Sean walking towards me, the dam and my walls burst.
He…..was here.
And here I was, sobbing like a child.
I had held in the tears for a long time, but seeing him made me want to break down those walls, made me want to be weak.
I walked steadily towards him, wanting nothing more than to bury my head in his shoulders.
I felt his body tense as I made contact, but the comfort I felt by just smelling his cologne brought more tears to my eyes.
I clung to him like he was the answer to all my problems, sobbing and crying, while he stood there silently listening to me cry, and I was grateful for that.
I didn’t want to talk in that moment.
I just wanted to cry like a baby.
Why was I so pathetic?
Why was my life so miserable?
Why couldn’t I have had a happy life like other people?
I had long since realized that self pity and wishing my life were normal did as much to improve my situation as a headache would.
But at times like this, I couldn’t help being angry.
Who exactly had I wronged?
Why did God put me in this world to suffer?
It wasn’t like I had offended Him or anyone else, or had I and I hadn’t known about it?
Why didn’t my mother love me?
Why was Itunu the way she was?
Why?!!!!!
I squeezed Sean’s shirt, burying my face deeper into his chest.
I just…..wanted a normal life. A normal family. Good looks. To stop being so shy and timid. To not be so fat and ugly.
Were wishing for all those things shallow of me? Or too much to ask?
I cried for a good seven minutes, I knew because I checked the time before I started and after I was done.
When I finally rose my eyes up to Sean’s, he smiled goofily at me.
“Want to get out of here?”
I nodded vigorously, hanging on to his words with every fiber of my being, then ran upstairs to drop my bag, and came down to meet him.
He smiled at me again, then offered me his hand, and I took it, holding it firmly. He squeezed it tenderly, and the warmth alone from his touch sent strength to my already feeble legs.
We walked silently for awhile, before arriving at my favorite lecture hall. Sean led me to the steps and we both sat down quietly, the streetlights illuminating our surroundings with a warm glow.
I sniffed and swatted mosquitoes away from my hand, thankful that I had worn my signature baggy jeans.
“So? What happened?” He finally asked, his voice coming out low and warm.
I sniffed again, and hugged my knees.
“My sister…….she…… tried to commit suicide.” I heard him give a low gasp, then chuckle bitterly.
“That’s awful.”
I felt tears begin to well up in my eyes again.
“I just…. don’t understand. She has everything…. everything I ever wanted, but couldn’t get. Our mother’s love, perfect grades, perfect life. So why…..?”
My question hung in the air, and the boy beside me sighed.
“What we see on the surface is never, ever, the real thing. I met your sister once, didn’t I? She seemed kind of off to me. No offense.”
I smiled sadly.
“No, you’re right. There is something wrong with her. When I spoke to her at the hospital, she…….she didn’t seem like she was……s-sane.”
I choked on my words, the memory of my last conversation with Itunu flashing through my mind, not that it hadn’t been replaying in my memory ever since.
“I tried telling my mother to let us take her to a psychiatrist, but she took my words the wrong way, saying that I was calling her first born child mad. She’s always been like this, always hated me and loved Itunu. She hates me because it was the year I was born that my father had an accident and died. At least that’s what she always painfully drummed into my skull. She blames me for his death, calling me a cursed child. As such, she gave all her love to my elder sister. You’d think her hatred would have lessened over the years, or at least I should have gotten used to it by now. But no. Every occurrence is like a fresh wound.”
I paused and tooka deep breath.
“My father. I never even met the man. Never knew him. Why am I being punished for his death? Some days, I marvel that I managed to keep my sanity in that house. And Itunu…..she always felt like a walking time bomb, you could never really understand what she meant, ir what she was thinking. She could go from zero to hundred in minutes, holding conversations with her would make you confused. Back then I thought she was just toying with my senses. But it seems like something deeper was at play. How ironic that it turned out to be Itunu who lost her senses.”
I took a deep breath and laughed bitterly.
“H*ell. Your family’s messed up.”
I smiled.
“Aren’t all families messed up in their own way?”
Sean sighed, the stared up into the sky.
“I…..had a sister once too. A twin sister.”
I turned to face him.
“Really?”
“Yeah. She…….uh….she died. And it was my fault. I killed her.”
My eyes widened. I could see the vulnerability and pain in his eyes, even though he was smiling.
“My sister…..her name was Sarah. She was just like you…. shy, timid, clumsy reckless, and cared too much about other people’s opinions. In fact, one would think you two were exact copies of each other if not for your looks. If you recall, that’s why I was so pissed off at you when I first met you. Because you and Sarah were so unnaturally alike. It scared me.”
My mouth dropped open. It was amazing how much of people and the world we really didn’t know.
“Sarah ….she fell in love. With a guy that was the complete opposite of her character, kind of like what Course Rep is to you. Their personalities clashed, and so did their values, and so she was always getting hurt, and they guy….he couldn’t do anything about it because he couldn’t understand her situation. He didn’t understand who she was, because they were both so different, and that took it’s toll on her. She was mad about him, and her feeble mind couldn’t fathom the thought of losing him. As such, she wouldn’t listen to reason, preferring to hide her pain behind a smile. Pretending like everything was okay. ”
Ah. So that trait ran in the family.
“And she almost had us fooled. But not me. One day I… I confronted her”
He took a deep, his breath sha
“We yelled. I said…..so many things. So many hurtful things. Called her names. Told her that her relationship would never work out. She looked at me, and I’ll never forget that look……one of pain, before she bolted out of the house. I chased after her, and right before me, she…….she threw herself in front of a bus.”
I covered my mouth in h0rror. Was this the kind of pain Sean had been hiding this whole time? This must have been the reason for his reaction to that accident that time.
“Her last words were…..’it’s not your fault sean.’ like as if that was supposed to make me feel less guilty. She died in my arms, and in the two years since her death, I’ve never been able to get the look on her face out of my head. My parents couldn’t face me. They couldn’t even look me in the eye. I could tell that they were torn between blaming me or themselves. In the end they sent me here to Nigeria, and I guess that was the best decision for all of us. I needed to get away from that house, and from the memories of my sister, as well as to give my parents space, but I’m sure they’ll never forgive me. I can’t even forgive myself.”
I stared at him in shock, unsure of what to say.
“I-I’m so sorry. ”
He smiled. “A little too late for that don’t you think?”
I bit my lip in anger.
Why all this pain and suffering?
Where was God?
Sean was a good person. He didn’t deserve this.
“Even though you and Sarah were similar, the difference between you is still noticeable. While Sarah was weak, and too feeble for her own personality, you’re strong Ilerioluwa. Strong and determined. Maybe that’s why I……”
He trailed off, staring at me longingly, his eyes hooded.
His gaze flickered to my lips for a split second, and I sucked in a breath. He looked back at my face, and quickly pulled away.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me.”
I bit my lip.
“I wouldn’t have minded.”
He glanced back at me, amused, then smiled.
“You shouldn’t say things like that Ilerioluwa. Boys have very little self control.”
My face heated up.
“But it’s not like we would be doing anything wrong.”
He smiled fondly at me, then pulled my cheeks, like Tobi always did.
“Ileri…..if I had kssed you just now, it wouldn’t have ended there. I would’ve wanted more. We’re hormonal youths, and there is a fine line between love and lust. It’s easy to confuse the two, and I’m not about to add to my list of sins against God.”
I blushed furiously, only hanging on one of the things he had said.
“Are…..are you saying that you’re in love with me?”
His fair cheeks turned bright pink, and he scoffed.
“Is that the only thing you heard in what I said? Idi0t.”
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TO BE CONTINUED
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