WHITE!!!!;The color of your heart????????????
(A wall flower’s guide to finding God)
Chapter 16
(Memories we’d like to forget, and the promises we wish we never made…)
She laughed.
She was always smiling.
Even when she was in pain.
Even when he fought her.
Even up until the very moment she died.
He had held her in his arms, her blood staining his white outfit, staining his soul forever.
She could see it too.
The pain in his eyes, the guilt that would never go away.
Yet she still smiled.
“It’s…..not your fault Sean.”
Her words brought no comfort.
He watched her slip away, a content smile on her face, one that would haunt his dreams for many days.
He slept to see her, woke up to feel her.
She was everywhere, and it drove him cr@zy.
Now he stood, watching her die in front of him again. He was frozen. He still couldn’t do anything.
“Sean….. let’s go….. please….” He heard a faint voice pleading in the back of his mind.
But it was so…..so far away.
Too far away to reach him.
He heard the same voice sobbing.
Were they crying for him?
A hand squeezed his lifeless digits tightly.
The contact surprised him.
The hand…..no….her hand, was warm.
Heat and desperation permeated through the touch, reverberating in every part of his body, finally reaching his mind.
It forced it’s way in, and the desperate words of the person holding his hand pierced through, clearing his mind of Her for a split second.
“I-Ileri?” He asked weakly, knowing who it was before seeing her face.
Her face was tearstained, just like his, and she answered him softly, gently, holding his hand and steadily leading him away from his nightmares.
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I led Sean quietly as far away from the accident scene as I possibly could, grasping his hands tightly. I could feel his eyes on me, and I was happy that he had obeyed my instructions.
I soon got tired of walking, as fatigue set in after the adrenaline had worn off, reminding me why I wasn’t a sports person. I quickly made my way to a bench, and we both sat down.
Sean sat beside me, his hands still in mine, looking more and more like a little child.
It melted my heart and sped it up at the same time, and I felt like giving him a big hug.
We sat in silence for a few minutes, not knowing exactly what to say to each other.
After awhile, I forced the words out of my mouth.
“What…..what happened?”
I felt his hands tense in mine, and quickly faced him.
“You….you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.” I added, letting go of his hand in the process.
He glanced at his hand, and frowned, seeming upset at the loss of contact.
He rose his eyes to my face, then creased his brows.
“You….ran here, didn’t you?” He asked softly, his eyes narrowing.
I felt heat rising in my cheeks.
How did he know?
“K-kind of.”
I heard him sigh, then pause.
“Why?”
I didn’t answer.
What was I supposed to say?
That I had almost gone insane at the thought that he might have been hurt?
He sighed again at my silence.
“You’ve been crying. Did something happen?”
Why was he worried about me?!
He should be worried about himself!
I bit my lip, remembering that my mother had come earlier today and humiliated me as usual. That incident seemed so long ago now.
“Yes, something happened. But it’s not important.” I said, then paused, turning away from him, my face heating up.
“I came because I was worried about you.” I admitted softly, then turned back to face him.
My heart almost burst out of my chest as I met his eyes. His mouth was slightly open, and his eyes wore a look of surprise, but what really killed me was the distinct redness that was now heating up his cheeks.
My face heated up again at the sight of his blush and I waved my hands, stuttering.
“Not that I was worried about you like that! I-I was just……” I began but held my tongue and frowned, realizing that it was futile to try and take back my statement.
What kind of scenario was this?
I blushed. He blushed. I blushed again. It was like a chain reaction.
There was another silence.
I wanted to ask that why he was studying medicine if he had a trauma of accidents or blood, but I swallowed my words. If this was a recurrent thing, then obviously that question would be what he would have always been asked by people.
He didn’t need me to add insult to injury, or to remind him of that.
I breathed in and out, then spoke.
“Okay Sean….um….. God….. saying I’m here for you sounds too cheesy.” I said, chuckling lightly, but he kept his eyes on me, hanging on my every word like a child waiting for his mother to feed him.
Could he stop staring at me like that?
At this rate, my cheeks would get burnt from all the blushing and heat!
“Well,” I continued.
“Since I don’t want to sound too cheesy, I’ll just say this; You held my hand once Sean, and for some reason it meant more to me than I expected. So…..allow me to hold your hand too…..once in awhile.” I finished awkwardly, cringing at my extremely embarrassing words.
He smiled at me, tilting his head and narrowing his eyes.
“Okay.”
I forced my eyes away from him, wondering why my brain was just now registering how good looking he was.
“But it’s going to have to be a team effort.” He said suddenly, raising his pinky finger and lifting mine to intertwine them in a pinky promise.
“I allow you to hold my hand, you allow me to hold yours. No hiding or feeling embarrassed.”
I unhooked my finger from his.
“That….might be hard to do. I feel enough shame in myself already. I don’t need any more.”
“Really now? And by ‘any more’, do you mean feeling shame around me?”
I bit my lip, but didn’t respond.
He sighed.
“I can’t ever recall you feeling embarrassed to be yourself around me, so why start now? Ileri, even if everyone else is so mature that you would be embarrassed about your life around them, then see me as the immature child you always have, and do the opposite around me.” He said softly, bringing my pinky back to his.
I blushed furiously, and this time I didn’t try to hide it.
How was it that I had come here and tried to comfort him, and had ended up getting comforted as well? Even when he had no idea what had happened to me?
He smiled at me, a familiar glint in his eyes.
“After all, we’re both children at heart, aren’t we?”
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Afterwards, Sean walked me home, despite my protests against it.
Since Kekes were still not plying the area, I had to walk home, and as it was already dark, he insisted on walking me to my hostel.
Obviously I wasn’t comfortable with that at first, but he ignored my protests and walked with me anyway.
He had teased me all the way to my hostel, making jokes and laughing cheekily, and with the way he acted, no one would believe that he was the same person from just a few hours ago.
This whole change, and the ease with which he was able to perform it, just made me realize how easy it was for him to hide his pain behind a smile.
Although I didn’t admit it, I enjoyed walking home with him.
Being around him was like sipping a chilled bottle of Bigi on a very hot day.
I felt energized and refreshed, and was not all that surprised at my reluctance to part ways with him when we reached my hostel.
As I lay on my bed to sleep, my heart thumping loudly, I mused on the day’s events.
I had earlier thought to myself that I knew this feeling, but as it would turn out, I really had no idea, as it was completely different from any crush I had ever felt in my entire life.
I didn’t know if it was something more……..what did I know about love? I was only eighteen.
But I was sure of one thing; being around Sean made me happy, and I wanted to make him happy too.
As I lay on my bed, my mind floating on clouds, I had no idea what life had in store for me, or how I would come to hurt God, myself, and the ones I loved dearly.
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