WHITE!!!;The color of your heart?????????
(A wall flower’s guide to finding God)
Chapter 17
(The real reason why growing up is so hard….)
“Allow me to hold your hand too.” She had said softly, and he wondered how the words that had come out of her mouth had made her seem more beautiful in his eyes.
What was this feeling?
Sean’s eyes shot open suddenly. He rubbed his eyes, trying to piece together his fuzzy memories.
Had he dreamt the whole thing?
No. He was just dreaming now. The whole of the previous night had actually happened.
He sat up, running his hands on the stubble that had formed on his chin, the faint outline of a beard that would present itself sooner or later.
He couldn’t believe it.
He had had a dream.
And it wasn’t about Her.
He had dreamt of…..
Of Ileri instead.
And how she had held his hand, comforting him, telling him to stay by her side.
He held up the said hand, falling back on his bed, then brought the hand to his chest.
G0sh.
He chuckled lightly.
He must really be as childish as everyone said, if holding hands alone was enough to make his heart race this way.
His phone rang, and he reached for it.
“How’s my favorite nephew doing?” Julia’s cheery voice boomed from the end of the line, and Sean rolled his eyes.
“First of all Julia, it’s six thirty in the morning. And secondly, I’m your only nephew.”
The woman on the other end laughed cheekily, as she always did when she was about to make a bad joke.
“All the more reason for you to be my favorite!” She added, and Sean grunted in irritation.
“Is there a reason you’ve decided to torment me this early morning?”
Julia giggled lightly, but Sean could tell that she was about to tell him something serious.
“I’m going back to England in a week.”
His eyes widened, but he stayed silent. After all, he had expected this to happen sooner or later. Denying it would be like denying the inevitable. He just hadn’t expected it to be this soon.
“What? You’re not even going to ask me why?”
“I figured you were about to get to that part.”
She chuckled again.
“Why do I get the feeling that you already know? Well anyway, your dear old Dad is insisting that I come back. He claims that I’ve spent too much time in Nigeria here with you. I mean, who does he think he is? I could just be here for Grandpa, and what I do with my life is none of his business.” She said nonchalantly, and Sean could see her shrugging in his mind’s eye.
He sighed, remembering the last time he had spoken to his parents, and the huge fight hat had ensued. Julia had been there, and she had screamed so much, taking his side with a determination he could never understand.
“We went back and forth on the whole matter, and I decided to go back. Can you believe he threatened to tell dad not to let me into the University anymore? He’s just as childish as you are!” She said again, clicking her tongue.
“Anyway, I’ll only be gone for awhile. I will come back to Nigeria.”
Sean shrugged.
“You don’t have to inconvenience yourself. Just do what dad says you should. I’m not a baby that you have to look after.”
“You sound like a really lame person right now, you know that? Caring about other people’s feelings is not your style.” She responded, earning a scoff from him.
“And besides, I’ve told you that if your parents aren’t going to take care of you anymore, if they’re going to abandon you and are willing to have their child carry a heavy burden just because they are too much of cowards to face their feelings, then I won’t just stand back and watch. I’d be happy to take up the baton from where they left off.” She said again, her voice rising, and Sean knew she was getting worked up.
“I don’t blame them for treating me this way. They have every right to.”
“You see? That mentality is exactly why I’m worried about you!” She said exasperatedly.
“It’s been two whole years Sean. You can’t keep living like this. Are you still having nightmares?”
Sean sighed, then got up and grabbed his shaving stick.
“Yeah, everyday. But….tonight was different. I didn’t have any tonight. Would you believe it? For the first time in two years, I dreamt of…..” He felt his face heat up as the memory of his dream flashed through his mind.
Ileri….. holding his hand.
Looking so beautiful.
His heart racing.
He shook his head furiously, and held his tongue. No way was he about to mention Ileri to Julia. She would never let him hear the end of it.
“Dreamt of what? Oh no, wait…..don’t tell me!”
Sean narrowed his eyes. The tone of Julia’s voice gave him the nagging suspicion that she was about to say something silly.
“Did…..did you dream of….that thing….you know, that thing that boys dream of….wet…..”
“JULIA!!!!” He screamed in horror.
“Okay…calm down…. Sean….just know that, having those kinds of dreams is normal for a growing boy…..”
“I am eighteen Julia!! I don’t need this kind of lecture from you!”
“Alright, alright, I’m sorry…..don’t hang up.” Julia said, her voice breaking in laughter.
“But I meant every word I said Sean. I’m not going to leave you. No matter how many times you push me away.”
Sean knew.
She didn’t have to tell him. She had shown him with her actions.
But he didn’t deserve it.
“Anyway, I don’t have to worry too much. I can leave you in Ileri’s capable hands.”
Sean’s face turned red at the mention of her name.
“A horrible decision, really” He muttered, trying to hide the breathlessness in his voice.
Julia laughed.
“You’re not protesting at least! That’s a first. But you know….Ileri is a lot similar to…..”
Julia didn’t need to finish her statement for Sean to know who she was talking about.
That similarity had haunted during the first few weeks of meeting her.
“It’s true that they’re similar. But Ileri is still different….in her own way.”
He said, smiling to himself.
Julia didn’t say anything for awhile.
“Julia?”
“Yeah I’m here. And I’m happy to hear that, Sean.” She said softly.
Sean smiled again.
“Yeah. Me too.”
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The holiday ended quickly, and the new semester began. Everyone trooped grudgingly back to school, already looking frustrated on the first day, and I couldn’t really blame them. We didn’t have time for reunions though, as we were quickly swamped with work, lectures, practicals, and the likes. The months rolled by as if they were being chased, and we were soon in March.
I was so stressed out, and I wondered why on Earth I wasn’t losing any weight as a result. We were bombarded with assessments regularly, in an effort to see just how many of us could keep up with the workload of studying medicine.
I hardly had anytime to talk to anyone, Feyikemi was busy herself, and so was Sean. Infact, I slept, ate and woke up to my books. At this point I wasn’t even aware of how much time was passing again, I was just reading like someone that had been cursed.
What got me most worked up was the integrated exam which we would take in 300l which would act as a sieve to filter the future students from the ones that would be left out. I knew I had to shape up or get shipped out, because if I failed and was transferred to another department, I may not live to tell the tale.
I wasn’t the only one who felt this way, most of us were on edge.
So it was to my surprise when Tobi messaged me that we should study together one night, and I tiredly agreed, only for the fact that he would be able to teach me anything I didn’t understand.
I was even more surprised to see him looking refreshed and even more handsome, whereas I was resembling someone who had just been discharged from a mental hospital. Was he even human? This was solid proof that some people were be@sts in human skin.
He chuckled at me as I sat beside me.
“Wow. You look like you haven’t slept in a week.”
Yeah, no kidding.
I hummed a nervous response, and quickly got out my textbook.
I heard him chuckle again, then bring out his own books.
We studied for hours, and by the time my body started to protest, it was a little after four am.
I yawned, and turned to meet Tobi staring at me, a small smile on his face.
“W-what?” I asked.
“Nothing. Just seeing you studying so furiously like this is giving me nostalgia.”
“R-really? Of- of what?”
He turned away from me, resting his chin on his palms.
“Of when I first saw you back in 100l. I remember thinking, ‘who is this extremely shy chick?'” He paused, and chuckled lightly.
“You made me curious, so I watched you for awhile.”
My face heated up.
“And then you surprised me. The longer I watched you, the more I realized that contrary to everyone’s, and even my opinion, you weren’t just a shy, timid girl, underneath all that shyness was a fire, just waiting to be lit. You admitted your flaws, but you didn’t let them stop you. You pushed yourself. You strived. Many times you motivated me to do better when I felt like giving up. I would say, ‘If it were Ileri, she wouldn’t stop till she got it.’ I then remember thinking, ‘wow. She’s amazing.’ Many people think I’m perfect, and I almost started to believe it too. But being around you made me realize just how imperfect I really am, and made me strive to be better.”
He turned back to face me, a small smile on his face.
I couldn’t believe he had opened up to me like that.
I had inspired him? Was today opposite day or what?
There was no way he was lying to me with how genuine he sounded, so maybe he was just off his rocker. I just couldn’t believe someone like him could think so highly of someone like me.
I scoffed.
“Tobi….you make me sound like such a wonderful person. I admit my flaws? Yeah right. I don’t just admit them, I live in them. And I’m too much of a coward to come out. I push myself because I’m scared of the consequences if I don’t.” I sighed.
“I learnt a long time ago that no one in this world is really special. Especially not me. Even in God’s eyes I’m the same as everyone else. I only thought I was special before because I’m the only star of the story of my life, so I couldn’t see anyone else. But I learned the hard way that the reverse was the case.” I finished softly, then my eyes widened.
Had I been possessed? What on Earth was I rambling to Tobi right now? We were studying just a few minutes ago! God, now he was going to think I was weird for sure!
Ileri, time to do damage control!
“I-I mean…..not to sound depressing….but like……” I began, a bit taken aback by the look of shock on his face.
“No!” He said suddenly, grabbing my hands.
“What…..what….are you….?”
“Don’t change. Don’t stutter. That person…the words you just spoke….that is the real Ileri. I want to see her. The person you show Sean all the time….”
“Sean? How did Sean….?”
“Please…. please don’t hide her from me. What am I going to have to do to see her too?”
He said, his face wearing a look of desperation.
I stared open mouthed at him, my words hanging in my throat.
Ileri, you have got to be dreaming.
I yanked my hands out of his grip.
“I-I’m going out for awhile.” I muttered, then bolted for the door.
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