WHITE!!!;The color of your heart??????????
(A wall flower’s guide to finding God)
Chapter 18
(Humans are creatures of habit….)
I chewed my lips anxiously outside the building, my head swarming with all the things Tobi had just told me. The March air outside was chilly, but I blew air on my hands, preferring to wait outside than go back inside there with Tobi and his weird words.
I rolled my eyes in frustration.
I really didn’t need this kind of drama and confusion in my life right now. I was already confused enough as it is.
I prayed that he would have somehow disappeared when I re entered the building, but I still couldn’t will my legs to walk back into the building.
Aargh!
Why am I such a coward?!
Running away from him right now wouldn’t solve anything!!!
While in the process of pulling my hair in frustration, I spotted the familiar frame of a tall lanky boy coming out of the building. It was dark, so I couldn’t see his face, but I already knew who he was.
Why was he coming out?! I was running away from him! He should get the message!
Had I really been outside that long that he had to come out?
He glanced around for awhile, before spotting me under the streetlight, and then he began to walk up to me, while I stood frozen in place like a mumu.
He finally arrived before me.
I gulped, and he stared at me in silence for a few seconds, while I chewed my lips nervously.
I couldn’t read the expression on his face, well, not that I was ever good at reading people, but his expression really confused me.
G0sh.
It would seem that confusion was the order of the day today.
The silence that hung in the air between us was deafening, and I sure that anyone passing would mistake the thumping of my heart for the sound of a bata drum.
He sighed after what seemed like forever, and then smiled at me.
“Looks like Sean was right after all.”
My eyes widened.
Of course that idiot had something to do with this!
Just what on Earth had he been filling Tobi’s head with?!!
I should have known Tobi on his own wouldn’t just say random things like that……..
“I’m in love with you, Ileri.”
Ehn?
What?
What!!!!!!!!!!!
“Come again?” The words left my mouth before I could stop them, and honestly I was surprised that I hadn’t said something stupider than that.
He chuckled lightly, almost seeming amused at my reaction.
Was he having a good time while I was having a mental breakdown?!!!
“I know this isn’t the time or place, but I guess…..I feel like if I don’t say it now, I probably never will. But then I don’t even know if that’s the real reason behind my telling you this. I’m actually pretty confused.”
My mouth hung open like someone had unhinged it from it’s sockets.
He was confused?!
He couldn’t be as confused as me!!!!
Love?!!
In love?!!
With me?!!!
Was this a prank?!!
“I should say that I’m not asking you to date me, or not waiting for your answer, but that would be a lie. I want to date you, get to know you, get closer to you, closer than how you are with Sean. Honestly, seeing how you are with him makes me so jealous sometimes.” He said, laughing lightly.
“But at least, I know that none of that is going to be possible for now. Like I always say, you can’t always get what you want right?”
“Then why did you tell me your feelings?” I muttered, my fists clenched and my confusion slowly dissolving into anger.
He sighed.
“I told you. I don’t know.”
I bit my lip.
“What do want to happen now? You can’t just expect me to act like you don’t have feelings for me. Did you expect things to go back to normal after dropping a bomb like this?”
He smiled at me, but it only made me angrier.
“I guess I don’t know what I expected either. I’m sorry that this version of me is so different from the Tobi you’re used to.”
I scoffed.
“I….really don’t know what you want me to do with this information, Tobi. I really don’t.”
He grabbed my hands, and began to rub circles on them tenderly.
“I’m sorry for burdening you with my feelings Ileri. I guess in the end, I was just a selfish idiot who cared only about himself.”
I sighed softly, then rose my eyes back to his.
“Tobi….”
“You don’t have to say anything. Honestly, you’re taking this better than I expected. For now, let’s just figure this out together.”
He pinched my cheeks lightly.
“Cutie.”
That’s not it Tobi.
I’m not a good person.
I’m going to end up hurting you, I just know it.
O ga oh.
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“What?!!”
I slapped my forehead in frustration as Feyikemi’s eyes widened in surprise.
“You cannot be as surprised as I am Feyi. You should have seen me. I was a mess yesterday.”
“So….you mean Tobi has had feelings for you all this time?”
I grabbed a satchet of Milo and angrily poured it into a cup, trying to eat away my feelings.
“You heard me Feyi.”
“Wow…..just….wow.”
I groaned. “You’re not being much help, you know?”
She chuckled. “I’m sorry. It’s all so sudden. He na even confessed during exam period. Is he trying to make you too distracted to read?” She asked, giggling.
I sipped the Milo.
“I don’t even know why he likes me. What does he see in me? It’s honestly so annoying. Tobi is such a great guy and….”
Feyi waved a hand at me dismissively.
“Abeg abeg, we’re not here to talk about your continually pummeling self esteem. The real problem is what you’re going to do now. I know you had feelings for him back in 100l, but how are things now?”
“I don’t even know to tell you the truth. Aargh!!! I can’t believe this! How did things get so complicated?!! And I still have Sean to….” I slapped my hands over my mouth, realizing what I just said, but it was too late.
Feyi’s eyes widened.
“Sean? Which Sean? VC’s grandson Sean?”
I rolled my eyes.
“Which other Sean?”
She squealed.
“Don’t tell me! You like him?”
I grunted.
“That’s the thing. I don’t know. And now Tobi has added his own wahala for me to think of.”
Feyikemi sighed, bringing out her books.
“Well, it’s fine not to know everything right now dear. No one really is an expert on their feelings. In fact, I think the one person we never really know is ourselves.”
I smiled.
“Hmm! Madam motivational speaker!”
She hissed.
“But, there is one sure fire way to deal with this easily. Just ask God for help.”
I scrunched my nose up at her.
“Na wa oh. Why on Earth would I ask God for romantic advice? When it’s not like I’m getting married to either one of them.”
” Ehn ehn? And so? So is it only when we want to marry someone that you ask God first? Will you not date before? Don’t you know about discerning spirit? My dear, you involve God in everything, from boys to books. By the way, He created you and me, as well as these feelings. Don’t you think He would know best how to handle them?”
I hissed.
Advice from Feyi always ended this way nowadays.
Either she would tell me to ask God, or to consult the Word.
It was like the girl didn’t have her own thoughts anymore, and everything about her revolved around God.
Would I na sit down and start telling God;
My father oh, I may like Sean, but Tobi said he likes me. What do I do?
Ridiculous!
“Okay oh, whatever.” I said quickly, so as to avoid Feyi going into full on pastor mode.
She rose an eyebrow at me, looking unconvinced with my answer.
“You know, you should really try talking to Him. And not just about this, but everything else. You would be surprised at how much that alone can make things clearer for you.”
“I said I’ve heard na.” I muttered, taking my cup to the sink to wash.
Maybe I really should stop asking Feyi for advice.
I began to wash, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t shake the nagging feeling in my heart that something was about to go terribly wrong.
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