ROSES FOR RACHEL: EPISODES 61-THE END
By Painter
Episode 66
He nodded slowly. “But you don’t think it will?” My hands tangled in the back of his shirt and I hugged myself to him as tightly as I could and he held my head to his chest, kssing it over and over. “Oh, god, Rachel.” His voice shook. “I never wanted to hurt you, never.” He professed. “I’m so sorry for lying to you, and for still lying to you. I wish I could have done so much differently, but then at the same time I fear if you had known some things from the beginning, that you would have never been mine at all.” He paused. “So I can’t bring myself to totally regret my decisions, even the ones that hurt you, because having you be mine, even if it is brief, it’s worth it.”
I let him hold me, the numb feeling spreading throughout all my limbs. My heart beat seemed to slow to hardly existent and I wondered if I would ever feel normal again. I knew that whatever he still needed to tell me was bad…and I knew that between it, and all the other things that had wedged themselves between us, we hardly stand a chance anymore.
I clung to him like a lifeline and I prayed over and over that somehow time could be rewound, that somehow we could start over, not making the same mistakes, or wasting our time. The thought of wasted time really put it all into perspective for me, and I took a step back, taking Calvin by the icy hand and leading him out of the library, and down to the elevator.
As the doors slid shut in front of us, Calvin drew me close again, looking down at my face like he was trying to memorize every inch of it, and I did the same.
When the doors opened we walked across the hall and into our mess of a room. Without speaking, we dropped our hands from each other and began cleaning everything up, until the sheets, comforter, and pillows were all back in their place.
I stood beside the bed on my side, facing across the bed where Calvin stood, facing me. Our eyes locked onto each other and I slowly climbed onto the bed, crawling over to him, sitting up on my knees to wrap my arms around his neck and he held my hips. He leaned forward, putting his head against mine and staring into my eyes. “I never want to forget this.” He whispered, and despite the heartbreak I felt, I smiled at him.
“I’m not going anywhere, Calvin.” I whispered back to him, but something about the look on his face told me that it wasn’t true, so I sighed. “I’m not going to ever forget this,” I told him, moving my hands to the sides of his face. “Because I’m not going anywhere.” Then I pressed my lips gently to his. “I won’t lie, I’m hurting, Calvin, so much more than I ever believed was possible, but I love you, and nothing you can say will change that.”
“Let’s get ready for bed.” He said softly, backing out of my reach, walking over to the dresser to take off his shirt and his pants, pulling on a pair a grey sweats, then leaning over on the dresser, keeping his head down.
I gave him some space, going into the bathroom to change into my own blue silk pajamas. When I came back out, he was standing by the bed again, holding the blanket up and waiting for me. I tried to smile at him, but it felt strained. “I need to hold you.” He told me as I got close and crawled beneath the blankets. He cuddled up beside me, resting his hand on one side of my face while his eyes stared into mine. “I love you.” He whispered.
I grinned at him. “I love you, Cal.”
??
He sighed, a soft smile crossing his face too, and his dimples finally making an appearance, but they quickly disappeared. “I need to tell you the truth, but I really just want to hold you while you sleep just one more night.”
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I rested my hand on the side of his neck. “No.” I whispered, feeling determined. I can feel the pain in the air, looming over our heads, but if Pedro is right, if this secret is something that will take me away from him, I don’t want to know it. “I don’t want you to tell me.” I said firmly, looking into his eyes evenly. “I want you, Calvin, always…no matter what that means, I want to be with you. Please don’t tell me if it is going to end us.”
“Rachel, you know how much I love you, but I can’t keep it from you forever, you’ll find out one way or another, and I’d rather you hear it from me.”
“No.” I said again and he sighed.
“You are so frustrating.” He chuckled sadly. “You don’t understand what you’re giving up.”
I sat up quickly, pushing him over onto his back and I leaned over him, my face inches from his. “I’m telling you, I don’t want to know.” I said. “There is no life for me that doesn’t include you.”
He furrowed his brows. “You only say that because yo-.” I put my fingers to his lips.
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“Calvin, if you love me, then you won’t tell me.” I said quickly.
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“Don’t ruin it.” I told him, echoing Pedro’s words. “Please, don’t hurt me anymore.” I knew it was low to say it that way, but I couldn’t bare thinking about losing him anymore, and it was the only way I knew I could make him give me my way.
He looked so desperately torn, and he whispered my name, but I brought my lips down on his, sliding my body on top of his, to keep him from saying anything else.
“Make love to me, Calvin.” I whispered lowly, and he grabbed the hair at the back of my head and sighed, pulling me back down to him.
ROSES FOR RACHEL: EPISODES 61-THE END
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