WHEN I FALL ? ?
BY RUTHIE LEE ? ?
EPISODE 16
“That is called love. You love Mary!” I smiled.
“is that what love feels like?” she asked.
I nodded.
“Yeah love can be different though!” I stated.
“So that means I love you too?”.
My jaw dropped by the statement and I looked up to see Kathleen curiously staring at me.
“I don’t understand” I laughed nervously. “if you feel the way you feel around Mary that means you think I’m a baby that needs help, nothing else!”
“Huh? I didn’t say i feel the same way for you as I do for Mary!” Kathleen laughed.
“Then why did you say ‘does that means I love you too’… Love is a strong word Kathleen, you have to feel it before saying it” I expound.
“Oh” she grabbed the table napkin to wipe her greasy lips.
“With you I just feel happy, and any time I see you I just want to stay close to you and help you out in any way I can, you don’t seem to happy all the time. You seem broken and somehow I feel like fixing that broken place!” Kathleen explained…
I scoffed.
is that how she feels towards me?
“if that is what you feel towards me You just pity me, it’s called sympathy, you’re seeing the pathetic side of me and you want to help me feel less pathetic!” I explained with a horrid sigh.
My life is pathetic. It has always been like that since Suzanne left. I hardly smile and now Kathleen has seen that side.
“So I’m just pitying you?” Kathleen arched her brows reaching for her coke.
“Yes you are, you don’t love me.” I laughed. “Now you know the difference!”.
“Oh okay then, is pitying someone a good thing!” she asked and Imher followed me as I stood up.
“Sometimes it is for people who needs sympathy from other people sometimes it’s not for people like me!” I said sternly grabbing the empty pizza box and walking away to trash out the box.
I walked in the living room to see lying Kathleen on the couch and staring at her fingers.
“You seem full! Aren’t you sleepy!” I asked.
She suddenly sat up. “I’m not sleepy until you are!”
What is that supposed to mean.
“Well i will be going to bed soon and you can have fun counting your finger nails!” I tell her.
She smiled. “Yeah I’ve not always thought about it but I like my fingers this way!”
“What way?” I asked peering at her fingers to see it the same way how it has always been.
“This way!” she wiggled them.
“Your fingers has always been like that I see no difference!” I tell her.
“Well…” her voice was suddenly low. “It’s a bit different from when I transform!”
Trans…form??
Come on Joseph and let’s not get frightened okay!
I calm myself down and breathed out.
“Joseph!” Kathleen smiled and titled her head at me. That’s new she didn’t add the ‘sir’.
“One day I hope you will sit down and listen to me talk about where i came from, why I ran away from home and pleaded to stay here, I hope you will listen to me talk about what I used to eat, how I used to live, one day I hope you will sit and hear me talk about my true self without making the frightened expression, I don’t want you to be scared of me, just now hearing the word transform, I could see how blank and scared your expression looked and it made my chest heavy! I hate it when you give that expression cause it makes me hate who I am the more. But then again it’s who I am, I can’t change who I am, even if I want to so badly!” Kathleen explained.
Her eyes never leaving mine.
Oh my goodness.
“I’m sorry!” she apologized and looked down.
I don’t understand why she’s apologizing.
“You don’t have to apologize Kathleen, and what you just said, it’s true, I do get scared of you, right now I am scared of you to be honest, I know you made a promise about not hurting us, but my trust in people is weaker than when a pencil is holding a giant rock, I am scared of the fact that you may turn your back on us one day and go against your words. I am not scared of you Kathleen, but you should understand that I have every right to be scared of what you are!” I expound and Kathleen gave a sad nod.
I continued anyways “And I do understand where you’re coming from, but you should never hate yourself because of me. I am scared of what you are doesn’t mean you should hate what you are, love yourself Kathleen, I know your identity must be kept a secret, but love what you have become to stay alive. I don’t like what you are doesn’t mean you shouldn’t like it too. Hating yourself will make you bleed from the inside, you’re going through self hate and that is the most worst phase a person can pass through in life. Love yourself Kathleen before loving others, if you’re trying to know what love is, try to find out from you, try to know what love is from you, find your good traits and keep living and loving yourself. Self hate can make you hate yourself and one day hate the people around you, it will lead you to no good. And I promise you this Kathleen, one day. I will sit down and listen to you talk about why you’re really here without making that expression that you hate. I’ll learn to…. I’ll learn to accept what you are, if only you’ll learn to stop hating you!”
Kathleen eyes seemed glossy as she raised her head up to look at me.
“How are you so good with words sir, Joseph” Kathleen sniffed.
“I don’t know, sometimes the right people bring out those words, and don’t tell me you’re going to cry now!”
“I’m not” she shook her head and laughed bitterly when a tear dropped and landed on her thigh.
“It’s okay to cry though!” I shrugged.
Self hate isn’t a good thing, so I just made a promise to love who she is, good for me, I am very bad at words. Will I ever learn to love what she is? I mean is it loveable, my soul left it’s body when I saw her in her true form and now I’m going to learn how to love it and give listening ears too.
Great.
My life just keeps taking the left turn.
But still then if I hadn’t said all that she will keep hating herself and who knows what that might bring, she might even hate me too and maybe eliminate me, even if she swore never to touch Mary and I, we’re talking about self hate here.
“Anyways! I’m going to Join Mary on the bed, you can turn off the lights when you’re done staying in the living room” I announced walking towards my room.
“Sir, Joseph!” she called and I paused and turned back to see her standing up.
“Yes?” I replied.
“Before you go to bed can I… Can… Ca
“Why are you stuttering all of a sudden, its okay tell me what it is!”
“Can I get a hug?” she asked. “it’s the most comforting gesture I know!” she added.
Of course it is. Hugs do make people feel better but I remember the last time I gave Kathleen a hug, she kissed me.
She’s not going to do something like that again is she?.
“Uhm okay, fine!” I cleared my throat.
I think she’s smart enough to know where she stands now.
She suddenly walked up to me and slowly circled her hand around my body.
Her head rested on my chest and she breathed out a sigh.
I slowly circled my hand around her slender body and in a comforting way, I pat her back.
I just gave her comforting words, I should probably finish it off with a hug, yeah giving her a hug of comfort wasn’t a bad idea at all.
She was just like a child who needs to be told on what to do and not to do…
It’s cute but sometimes, growing up matters.
–
It’s been almost going to thirty seconds and Kathleen and I were still at our hugging position. Somehow I didn’t want to let go of her, and I think she didn’t want to either. I didn’t know why but we were just that way.
But I had to.
I moved back a bit and touched her shoulder letting her know we should be disengaging the hug.
She let’s go of me and without saying a word and left for her room without looking at me in the eye or pausing for a bit.
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