WHITE!!!;The color of your heart??????????
(A wall flower’s guide to finding God)
Chapter 19
(The things we don’t know…..are more than the things we do….)
I trudged sleepily into my favorite reading hall, the only thing still keeping me going being the fact that today was the last day of our exams, and we would have a week long break starting tomorrow. Finally!
I would be able to get some sleep and look human again.
I had seen Tobi a few times since his confession, but he had always related normally to me, and I was honestly too exhausted to overthink things.
I had my final paper by four pm today, and would be so glad when it was finally over.
I entered the hall and headed over to my favorite seat, but was a tad bit surprised to see Sean already sitting there. I realized that I hadn’t seen him in awhile, and an involuntary blush crept up my cheeks.
I walked steadily and sat beside him, and he turned to face me at the disturbance.
I sucked in a breath and faced him as well with the intention of giving him a casual greeting, but upon actually seeing his face, my tongue froze and my face heated up.
“Uh….um…….” I stammered helplessly, before giving up and turning back to my books. I could still feel his eyes in me for a few seconds, before hearing him scoff.
“Good afternoon, Ilerioluwa.”
I bit my lip as more blood flowed to my cheeks. I tried concentrating on my books, but I was painfully aware of his presence beside me, and that knowledge caused my heart to race sporadically, rendering all my attempts at reading futile.
After about 20 mins of my failed attempts at studying, I hissed and began to grab my books.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t focus around you.”
I heard him chuckle.
“I didn’t ask you to sit beside me.”
“Yeah but you didn’t stop me either.” I responded gruffly, grabbing bag and standing up.
“Well……it’s good that you’re leaving, because you were distracting me too. I’ve been staring at the same page for the past twenty minutes.”
My heart almost stopped at his words.
I blinked rapidly, breathing in and out trying to calm my heart.
If I didn’t get a hang on I could die of a heart attack right now!
I opened my mouth to say something, but shut it when no words came out, and then stalked off, making the wise decision not to give him another glance before leaving.
It was when I had settled down in another seat, far away from him, that I remembered that I had wanted to ask him about Tobi.
I sighed.
I couldn’t even talk to him properly without getting flustered, how on Earth was I supposed to hold that kind of conversation with him?
I bit my lip.
I didn’t know what these feelings I had for Sean were, but they were changing our relationship, and I didn’t know if I wanted that.
Sean was someone I could relate freely to, someone I could be myself around, the one person besides Feyikemi who understood me.
Our relationship was something special to me, and I didn’t want stupid and fickle feelings to ruin it or make things complicated.
Geez.
I really needed someone to make things clearer for me.
The vibration of my phone brought me out of my thoughts.
I grabbed it, looking at the caller ID.
It was…..my mother.
I thought about ignoring the call.
Why was she calling me out of the blue?
But then the nagging feeling of discomfort I had been feeling for the past few weeks discouraged that thought.
I took a deep breath and, despite knowing that no amount of preparation was ever enough to steel oneself for my mum’s outbursts, and answered the phone.
“H-hello? Maami?”
“Ilerioluwa!!! You have to come home now!!!”
Her voice sounded frantic and frightened, and I held my breath.
“Why? Mummy what’s wrong?”
“It’s your sister!!! Itunu…..she…..she tried to commit su!cide!!!”
What?
My eyes widened in horror.
Itunu had tried to do….what?
“Come home now!! Ilerioluwa come home!!!”
“M-mummy…..I-I have my last paper by four pm…..but once I’m done I will be on the next bus home……”
“So you’re telling me that you care more about some pathetic test than your own sister ehn Ilerioluwa?!!! When it’s not as if you are passing it gan!!!! Ah!!!! I knew I made a mistake calling you!!!”
“Wait mummy……”
But she had already ended the call.
I fidgeted in shock, my mind racing.
Itunu had tried to commit su!cide?
Why?
Why would she do that?
Why????
I felt movement beside me and looked up.
Sean was already beside me.
The look on his face coupled with the wetness on my face made me realize that I was crying.
The next few minutes were spent with Sean and I planning and discussing how I would work things out and leave after my last paper, along with him reassuring me that everything would be fine.
I didn’t tell him what had happened and he didn’t ask, I only told him that I needed to go home.
By four thirty, I was on my way home.
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The air in the house felt heavy and stifling, and it brought back many memories, reminding me more and more why I never came home.
Home hadn’t changed much, and I didn’t know if that in itself was a good or a bad thing.
I rushed in to drop my things, then proceeded to head over to the hospital that my mother said Itunu had been admitted in.
My mother looked surprisingly relieved to see me, and contrary to her countenance when we had spoken on the phone, she draped her hands around me, sobbing uncontrollably and thanking me for coming, begging me to tell her why her first born had tried to kill herself.
Like I would know.
I sighed, then managed to pull my mother off me and headed inside the room to see my sister.
Itunu looked…… surprisingly normal.
Well, what had I expected to see?
She sat up on the bed, an IV drop hooked into her arm.
Apparently she had come home to see our mother, then overdosed on sleeping pills when she thought that maami had gone out to the shop.
But our mother had forgotten something at home, and upon re-entering the house had found her laying lifeless there, raised an alarm and Itunu was rushed to the hospital.
I couldn’t understand it.
It felt like I was dreaming.
Why on Earth would Itunu try to kill herself?
Had she been going through somethings this whole time and hadn’t told anyone?
Was it at school? Or health?
What could it have been that would push her to such a decision?
No matter how much I tried, I couldn’t come up with a suitable reason.
To me, my sister had the perfect life. Why would she try to end it.
She turned to face me upon hearing my footsteps.
“Ilerioluwa, you’re here.”
I narrowed my eyes at her. She was smiling at me like I had just paid her a friendly visit.
Like she hadn’t just tried to end her life.
I wanted to ask her the only question that had been on my mind since I had heard the news, but I couldn’t find the courage to force the words out of my mouth.
Was I really sure I wanted to hear her answer?
What if I made things worse by asking her?
“You’re just staring at me Ileri. Didn’t you come here to see your big sis? Didn’t you come here because you missed me? Or….. perhaps, are you only here to gloat?”
Her words came out slow and intentional, her eyes glazing over and roving around frantically.
“Itunu…..”
“You’re here to gloat aren’t you? You’ve finally won. Finally found one thing that you’re better at than I am. You’ve finally found it….. haven’t you….”
She was mumbling incoherently, and I stared at her helplessly.
God.
If I thought I had felt helpless back when I thought Sean had been hurt, it was nothing compared to how I felt at this moment.
Not knowing what was going on, completely confused.
And not being able to do a single thing to help the person in front of me!
My sister suddenly lunged forward and grabbed my arm tightly, her nails digging into my skin.
“Ileri…..you have to save me! Rescue me! Please! I’m going to die! She’s going to kill me! If I stay there any longer, I will die! I can’t live like this anymore!”
She was whispering, but her words came out so furiously and with such a desperation that sent shivers down my spine.
I stared at her, mouth open in shock as she shook before me, with wide fearful eyes and sweat dripping down her forehead.
The look on her face scared me.
She was terrified.
And a completely different person than the person I had just spoken to a few minutes ago.
After about five minutes of this, her face suddenly contorted into a wide, calm smile and she stared at me with unblinking eyes.
“Why are you looking at me like that Ileri? Didn’t you come to see me? Didn’t you come here because you missed me?”
I felt unnatural fear permeate my bones, my words dying in my throat.
I ended up fleeing the hospital, feeling more unsettled than when I had arrived.
I stayed home for three more days, trying to avoid going to see my sister within that time.
I wasn’t sure I could handle whatever that was again.
I was also buying time to build up my courage to talk my mother about what had been going through my mind.
“Maami…….I think Itunu should see a psychiatrist.”
The look of pure hate my mother gave me almost made me look my nerve.
“Are you implying that my daughter is mad?”
“No…..maami….. I just feel like…..”
“Shut up!!! So because I called your sorry self here, you have the audacity to call my pride and joy insane? It is you that will run mad!! W!tch!”
“Maami……wait…..”
“Oya pack your things and get out of my house! You’re just like your father! Always saying rubbish! Get out……!”
“You didn’t see what I saw maami!” I yelled in frustration, surprising my mother enough to shut her up.
“There is something seriously wrong with Itunu! You have to…….”
My words were cut short by the sting of a slap on my face. I held my cheeks in shock, tears flowing down my eyes.
“You’d better shut your f!lthy mouth, or I’ll make it so that you’ll never speak again.”
The hatred in my mother’s eyes told me that she would make good on her threat if I spoke again, and so with tears and anger burning my lungs, I hurried into my room and packed my things, running far away from the house.
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