WHITE!!!;The color of your heart????????
(A wall flower’s guide to finding God)
Chapter 27
(The whispers among us…..)
I walked back into my hostel, tears staining my face and guilt imprinting itself on my heart.
I met Feyikemi standing outside my room again.
She looked at me, and her face contorted with worry upon seeing mine. My clothes were even soaked with tears and sweat.
Her mouth opened slightly as if she wanted to say something, but then she closed it back.
I sighed, and began to walk past her.
“Ilerioluwa wait…..” She said,once again grabbing my arm.
I swallowed hard, then forced a smile, and pushed her arm off mine gently.
She didn’t stop me again.
I wanted her to stop me. To call out to me. To ask me what was wrong.
But that was selfish of me.
How could I expect her to still care about me after the way I had treated her? It was still a wonder that she was even able to stand and talk to me right now. It showed that she still cared even just a little bit.
I entered the room and flung myself on the bed, not even bothering to shower.
Let the filth remain on me.
Fresh tears streamed down my face.
I sobbed into my palm, unable to get the look on both Sean and Tobi’s faces out of my head,as well as the continuous voice ringing in my head, calling me a m0nster and a pr0$titute.
How did things escalate to be this way?
How did I let my life become this miserable?
All I wanted….was…..what did I really want in the first place?
I couldn’t even remember, or had I never really known?
It had always been like this, I was completely worthless.
And now I had taken my worthlessness to another level.
Did I even think before doing what I did?
I had hurt two people who genuinely cared about me, all because…all because…..!
“You cared more about what man thought of you than what God thought of you!”
Sean’s voice rang in my head, and more tears spilled over on my face.
That was the reason.
But what was I supposed to do? This was my nature. I couldn’t expect to change that nature in a heartbeat.
And, I had forgotten about Feyikemi.
She always advised me, and I always took it for granted.
She was just being a good friend, and I treated her badly because I am trash!
Worthless….trash.
‘Pr0$titute. Don’t forget to add that.’
I burst into more tears, soaking the bed sheets.
What was I going to do now?
I feel like running away.
I am a coward after all, if I run away, it’s not as if that would be out of character for me.
But we have exams coming up. If I run away, my mother just might decide to kill me.
And it goes without saying that she would do the same if I failed as well.
So was I supposed to start reading now?
With the way I was feeling? Just what kind of life was this that I had created for myself?
I felt hot tears trickling down my face again.
God, what am I supposed to do?
God.
That’s right.
God, who I had always ignored, God , who I had always hated.
Maybe…maybe if I asked for forgiveness right now, all the pain would go away.
After all, the youth pastor always said God was a God of Mercy right? And that He was willing to wash away all our sins, no matter how bad they were.
I clasped my hands, then bowed my head.
G0sh. I never prayed to Him before, it felt so weird doing it now. But if that was what I had to do to get freedom from this pain then…..
‘Are you stupid? Someone as dirty as you asking for forgiveness? It’s like you didn’t read your Bible well. Number one. God hates sexual sin. Since against your own body which is His temple,and you committed that twice. Number two. You led people to sin. In fact, that is the worst. You know what God says about people that lead others to sin? He says it would have been better if they were never born. You nah want to ask for forgiveness? It’s like something is wrong with you. Someone like you shouldn’t even open their mouth to say God’s name.’
The voice in my head was so clear, I originally thought it was coming from behind me.
I squeezed my chest in pain, not because the words were hurtful, but because they were true.
What was I even thinking?
That I would ask for forgiveness and things would go back to how they were before?
What about the people I had hurt? What would happen to them? Would their pain just be forgotten as well?
I was stupid, which wasn’t surprising.
I put myself in this mess. And I wasn’t getting out.
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I spent the next few days trying to cover what I could for our coming integrated exam.
I knew my efforts were futile, but I tried anyway, relying heavily on the already stored up knowledge in my head.
But even then, I knew that it wouldn’t be enough, after all, this is medicine we are talking about here.
As I walked to the exam venue with my head buried in a textbook, I bumped into someone.
“S-sorry….” I began, but froze when I looked up and saw Sean’s face.
My heart constricted in my chest, and my mouth hung open.
He looked shocked to see me too, and we held our gaze on each other for awhile, every second that passed painful.
He finally looked away from me, and I mummy another awkward apology, before running from his side.
I ran into the exam venue and into one of the toilets, locking myself in one of the stalls.
The toilet smelled badly, but I didn’t care.
After forcing tears back into my eyes, I prepared to leave the stall when I heard two people entering the toilet.
I would have still left, if I didn’t hear the words coming out of their mouth.
“Hmm….guess what I heard.”
That was a girl’s voice,and it sounded like Iretiola.
“See you know our paper starts in 45 minutes. If you want to talk talk now.”
“Hmm…okay, shabi you know Ilerioluwa in our department?”
My blood ran cold.
“Yes nah, that fat girl. I know her nah.”
“Hmmmmm….”
“Talk joh Ire!”
“Do you know that girl is a pr0$titute?”
I almost collapsed on the toilet.
“Ahn ahn. That is a big accusation nahhh. How do you know?”
“I know! I know. In fact. If I see that girl, God help me….I can just kill her…..”
“Up till now you haven’t said anything valid o.”
“Okay….so one of my friends said that at church, she heard Sean, the VC’s grandson, having a conversation with the Youth Pastor. She said that he was talking about how he has slept with a girl that he liked, that she had forced herself on him…blah blah. The major Koko was when he accidentally mentioned the girl’s name.”
“He said Ilerioluwa?”
I could hear the surprise in the other girl’s voice.
“Yes ohhhhh. Hmm, but that is not all.”
“But how did that your friend hear them gan?”
“She’s part of the evangelism team. It was during one of their outings, and they asked her to get the spare Bibles from the spare room, she didn’t know they were talking there, that was how she overheard.”
“Jesus! That Ilerioluwa girl that looks like she’s innocent….so…..”
“Listen to me first. So, that was how like two weeks ago, I was hanging around Tobi’s hostel, when I saw the two of them coming out of his room.”
“Ewoooo!!!!!”
“You see why I want to kill the girl?”
“But….what if nothing happened….”
“Nothing happened my foot! What are they doing in his room then? Something happened oh! They were both looking so gloomy when they came out. That Ilerioluwa girl, was just pretending to be innocent. She’s actually a Jezebel! Ha! And she knows that I have had my sights on Tobi since 100l oh! God will punish that girl for me.”
“Hm! Pr0$titute indeed! Only God knows how many more boys she has opened her legs for.”
“Abi….see abeg, this toilet is smelling, let’s go outside.”
“Shabi you brought us in….”
I stood frozen as I heard their footsteps receding.
I feared what people thought about me the most, yet, I had used my own hands to ruin my reputation.
What an irony.
My tear ducts were dry and exhausted.
I opened the door in a daze, and headed for the exam hall.
I wrote all my papers in Thai state of mind, and as anyone would expect, I failed.
Per my mother’s request, I mailed her my results, already steeling myself for whatever she would do to punish me.
If she killed me right now, I don’t think I would mind.
She was radio silent for several days after I sent her the results, and I began to wonder if she had suddenly died.
However, my suspicions were negated when I stepped out of my room one fateful day, and swallow her barging into the hostel.
I braced myself. Seishun sastsbasaron.
She walked towards me, pulling something that resembled an “omorogun” , a wooden tool used for making foods like eba, semo, etc, out of her bag.
She marched up to me, lifted it up, and brought it down on my head heavily, and that was the last thing I remembered before everything went black.
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