WHITE!!!!;The color of your heart???????
(A wall flower’s guide to finding God)
Chapter 21
(Kss of de@th)
The days passed by quickly, and before we knew it, we were in 300l, preparing in earnest for our first integrated exam.
Itunu had been discharged from the hospital, and had resumed school, much to my horror. I called my mum to complain that Itunu shouldn’t be left on her own just yet, but she told me that she had prayed about it, and that her first born child was strong enough to bounce back from every arrow of the enemy.
I tried calling my sister but could never get through to her, and eventually gave up when my mom threatened to come to school and deal with me if I didn’t stop disturbing her.
Though several weeks had passed, I was still thinking about how Sean had almost kssed me. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t help imagining the feeling of our l!ps connecting, and I was ashamed to say that I had dreamt about it happening several times already.
But each time I daydreamed, I always remembered Sean saying that he didn’t want to ‘Add to his list of sins against God’s by kssing me.
What did that mean?
It wasn’t like kssing was a bad thing….was it?
Every waking day, I thought about his lips on mine. It would be my first kss, and the thought got me excited each time.
But was what I was feeling right now love or l*ust? I couldn’t tell.
When I was completely frustrated with myself to the point of anger, I decided to ask Feyikemi for help.
One night while we were unwinding, I sprung the question on her.
“Feyi? Do you think…… kssing is a sin?”
She rose her eyebrow at me, in the middle of shoving a spoon of pap into her mouth.
“Hm? Kssing?” She dropped the spoon, a thoughtful expression forming on her face.
“Hmmmmm. That is a very tricky question, and a very hotly debated one. I think, most of the time, ‘kssing’ is considered dangerous because of what it might lead to. No matter what people say or try to convince themselves with, it’s still a sexual and intimate thing and should be treated as such. R0mantic kssing is what I’m talking about oh, not the kind of kss you would give your small baby.” She joked and I gave an uneasy laugh.
“You know there are some actions called ‘making out’ which is kssing but with a lot of s*xually related activities involved, and could lead to sin if done premaritally. Thats why I said kssing is still int!mate and s*xual. You wouldn’t just kss anybody right? And most of the time, if people want to have s*x, it almost always starts with kssing.”
She took a deep breath.
“So……..I think it depends on you. Self control and being conscious of sin aren’t things that people can easily obey or give into. In the heat of that moment, one can easily forget oneself, and it can lead to sin. Ehn hen, even that my role model, Rika Sato-Akabane, shared a story once, that before she and her husband started dating, she tried to kiss him when he was sick and they were ALONE IN HIS APARTMENT. But they were stopped just in time, and he later confessed to her that if they had kssed that time, they would have ended up going further than that. And even before they got married, kssing was always kept to a minimum and done in public places. Can you imagine how many rules they set for each other just to avoid sinning? But now they are married and have full reign.”
She paused to catch her breath, laughing lightly, then continued.
“So, if people like them could have still been afraid of losing control, how much more us?
I don’t think kssing in itself is a singular act, but rather, it is it’s tendency to lead to sin that makes it dangerous. And I wouldn’t advice youngsters like us to do such things, because our emotions and feelings are like unstable meters. Any push and it would burst. When even mature adults find it hard to have self control when it comes to things of the flesh, pastors, evangelists and great men still fall by the flesh daily, so how much more us. It’s better for us to not try and say we are smarter than the dev!l. Only God is. And we can be too, if we stand in God. If you know kssing will leave you or your partner to sin, don’t do it.”
She finished her speech with a clap of her hands, looking satisfied with herself.
I, on the other hand, was anything but satisfied with her answer. I didn’t want to accept it. It was the complete opposite of what I had wanted to hear.
“But…..how will you know that it will lead to sin? And aren’t there mature youths who will know how to control themselves? So does that mean we cannot kss again?”
Feyikemi sighed.
“Mature in what? In their own wisdom? Is it not the wisdom of God that gives birth to our own? And the wisdom of God which can be gotten through His words, says that ‘flee all appearances of ev!l.’ That means that anything that is even remotely related to sin, which is ev!l, we shouldn’t even wait to see it, we should pick race.
And how will you know? Is it not your body? You will know how you feel when doing it or thinking about it. Once you start imagining things that aren’t Godly, which is inevitable at the stage and age we are in, my dear, the Word says pick race. Joseph ran. Why didn’t he say he was mature and stay. He fled instead.
And I didn’t say that nobody should kss again. All I’ve been saying is know yourself and know your God. Trust the holy spirit, and don’t rely on your own wisdom or maturity. People will tell you all kinds of things. But the only voice to listen to is that of God. So you can try asking Him what you should do too.”
Mmmtchewww.
There it was.
I was wondering why she hadn’t said ‘ask God’ since during her speech.
“Ehn but wait oh. Why are you asking Ilerioluwa?!!!”
I stood up and began to head outside.
“No reason.”
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I couldn’t stop thinking about Feyikemi’s advice. Part of me wanted to listen to her, but her advice seemed too ridiculous.
All this in the name of avoiding sin?
Ahn.
It was too much na.
There are too many things that we cannot do, just because we don’t want to “sin”.
As I was preparing to sleep, Dupe called me out to talk, much to my surprise.
“So, I overheard you and Feyikemi talking earlier.”
Can you imagine! This girl’s amebo had become spiritual oh!
“I just decided to keep quiet then, but I have to speak my mind now. See, don’t let Feyikemi decieve you, because she doesn’t understand anything. Of course she would say something like that, because she is beautiful, and I’ve seen boys tripping over her nah. But people like you and me, we have to do whatever it takes to keep the men we love. We have to fight, whether by kssing or even s*x…..”
My eyes widened and she nodded boldly.
“Yes oh Ileri. S*x. We fight tooth and nail to keep our men. That doesn’t make us runs girls, promiscuous or pr0stitutes. After all, body no be firewood nah. There is no man on this Earth, that thinks with the right part if their body when it comes to a woman.”
She rose her finger up, and put it to her mouth to emphasize her point.
“Kssing, s*x, they are just things one does with people they love. It isn’t just mindless s*x. It’s intimacy with your lover. If you love someone and he asks you for any part of your body, will you deny him? Ah!
It’s only people as fine as Feyikemi that can do that oh. Not us. So many boys chase after that girl, and she plays hard to get with her “holiness.’ But I know she enjoys the attention. They always ignore people like us. People like us have to work to keep a man…..”
She sniffed and I could see that she was crying.
“If you truly love someone, then there is nothing that is wrong. If it was easy to stay in a relationship without things like kssing or s*x, then why haven’t I experienced it yet? I tried it once, but that boy left me, all because I was forming holiest.
And it’s not as if you wouldn’t enjoy it either. Those things aren’t meant for boys alone nah. See Ileri, people like us need to use our brains and fight for what we want. So please, don’t let any useless friend decieve you!”
I gulped.
I had never heard things in this perspective before.
It was true. Feyikemi could never understand the things I went through every day. How much I hated myself, my body and my character.
“Now….. about the boy that was in mind when you asked Feyikemi the question, let me tell you what to do……..”
I brought my ear to her lips, soaking in her every word.
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Two days later, I called Sean to my favorite lecture hall, my heart pounding.
It was time to implement Dupe’s plan. My hands were shaking, but I was determined.
People like me were beggars, not choosers.
There were so many other attractive girls out there, and I could lose Sean to any one of them if I tried to form “holy.”
Dupe had been crying. That meant that she had gone through a lot.
No.
I had to sink my ugly claws into Sean ASAP.
He arrived, smiling cheekily at me.
“Hey there stranger.” He greeted casually, and my heart raced.
Dupe had told me to call him out at night, and to a secluded place, so that people wouldn’t see us.
‘If what you’re doing is right, then why are you hiding it?’
A small still voice whispered in my heart, but I ignored it.
I was hiding because this was a personal thing, nothing more!
I pulled Sean to the back of the building.
“Ilerioluwa, just what on Earth possessed you this………”
His words were cut short by the feeling of my l!ps on his.
I pulled away shyly, and his eyes were wide with surprise.
I bit my lip, and saw his eyes go to them again.
I had done it!!
See?
No trumpet, no dev!l to come and say I sinned, nothing!
Feyikemi only knew how to spout nonsense.
My heart was pounding so loudly that I could barely hear myself think.
He narrowed his eyes at me, then pulled me closer and crashed his l!ps into mine.
My body felt hot all over as he kssed me furiously.
I didn’t really know what to do, so I just followed his lead, enjoying the feeling and relishing in the kss.
It felt amazing!!!
He suddenly jerked back, panting and eyes wide with h0rror.
“Why…..why did you stop?”
He stared at me like I had just asked a stupid question, then shook his head in h0rror, turned back, and ran away, leaving me shouting after him.
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