WHITE!!!!;The color of your heart???????????
(A wall flower’s guide to finding God)
Chapter 23
(Open the eyes of my heart Lord….)
I felt anger and apprehension burning in my heart as I once again dialled Sean’s number.
The phone trilled for awhile, before cutting to voicemail.
At this point I was beyond reason and any form of logical thinking.
All that was on my mind was exactly how I was going to see Sean again and ask him why on Earth he was avoiding me like this.
I sat on my bed, chewing my nails, the wheels in my head turning as I thought of exactly how I would accost this boy.
Aha!
Tobi!
I could ask Tobi to call him for me.
But then Tobi might get curious, and I certainly wasn’t about to tell anyone else what was going on between Sean and I.
So what should I do?
‘You could ask him for Sean’s hostel or house address.’
A small, convincing voice said in my heart.
Wow! That was a great idea!
That way Sean couldn’t avoid me and would be forced to finally talk to me!
It was brilliant!
I picked up my phone and began to dial Tobi’s number, but my hand hovered over the screen for a split second of clarity.
Was what I was doing right now right?
I began to lose my nerve, contemplating whether I should just forget the whole thing and focus on the integrated exam that was coming up in a month’s time.
‘If you like back out now. Just know that once you lose this chance you lose Sean forever.’
The same voice again urged me on, and I eventually threw all worries and caution out the door, and dialled Tobi’s line.
“Hello? Ileri? This is a pleasant surprise. I don’t think you’ve ever actually called me before.”
His voice sounded cheery and optimistic.
“Yes, yes you’re right Tobi.” I was surprised at how hoarse the voice that came out of my mouth sounded. That person didn’t sound like me at all.
“How are you? It’s been quite a while since we’ve spoken.” He chuckled.
“Probably since I told you my feelings. I’m really sorry that our course is so hectic and time consuming. I have so much to share with you and tell you. But I promise that once we’re done with this integrated exam, we’ll have time to hang out. I saw this new movie coming like two months from now. Probably we could go see it together if you want…..”
I tapped my finger impatiently. I wasn’t the least bit interested in what he was saying, and only gave him a hum.
Okay, but that’s besides the point. Why did you call? Did you perhaps want to come study together?”
Oh my g0sh!!!
Could this Tobi guy stop jumping to conclusions for one second??
“No…no that’s not why I’m calling.”
I was surprised that I wasn’t stuttering.
He seemed to notice it too, as I heard him chuckle lightly.
I continued.
“Um….so like, since you’re the course rep, I thought that you might probably know the addresses of everyone in our department right? Like our hostels and such.”
He hummed lightly.
“Yeah yeah, I know most people’s hostels, I’ve had to find out over the course of time. Why do you ask?”
I gulped.
This was it.
“Do you… perhaps know Sean’s hostel address?”
The line was silent for awhile.
“Hello? Tobi? Are you still there?”
“Um…yeah.”
His voice sounded slightly shaky.
“Uh…so Sean….yes I think I should have his address. It was hard to get, you know how Sean is. I’m guessing you want me to give it to you.”
I heaved a sigh, suddenly feeling dirty and despicable. But I had already gone this far. It was too late to back out now.
“Yes please.”
“Alright.”
As Tobi called out the address, I scrambled for a piece of paper and wrote it down, surprised and pleased that he didn’t ask me what I needed the address for, or why I didn’t ask Sean himself.
I realized that he probably didn’t want to know.
“Thank you so much Tobi. You’re a lifesaver.”
He was silent for awhile again.
“Um….I guess…my timing was a bit too late wasn’t it?”
I could feel the pain in his voice.
“T-timing? Of what?”
He sighed.
“Nevermind. See you, Ilerioluwa.”
And with that, he hung up.
I stared blankly at the phone screen for awhile, my conscience screaming at me, but then hissed and began to throw on my clothes.
I didn’t have time to think about anything else right now.
As I opened my closet, I wanted to put on my usual baggy clothes, but changed my mind, and threw on one of my more fitted clothes.
I felt uncomfortable in it, but ignored my discomfort.
In my mind, I thought that it was amazing how I was doing things I wouldn’t normally do just because of Sean.
I thought that it was a symbol of just how much I loved him.
How could he tell me to rely on him, and just run away without giving an explanation?
At least he should have told me what I did wrong!!!!
I slapped on my sandals, and began to bolt for the door, but someone grabbed my arm, stopping me mid motion.
“Ahn ahn! Ilerioluwa! Where are you rushing to?”
Feyikemi stared down at me, Bible clutched to her chest. She was jusy coming back from the weekly Wednesday service at the church.
She squinted at me, taking in my outfit.
“The service has ended nah, if you wanted to follow me, why didn’t you tell me?”
I yanked my hand out of her grip.
“I’m not going there obviously.” I spat out.
She folded her arms.
“So where are you going?”
“Out.” I responded sharply and began to head out, but she grabbed my arm again.
“Wait! Ilerioluwa, I’m worried about you!”
I yanked her hands off me again.
“I’m fine.”
“No you’re not! My spirit says something is not right with you. Alright please just sit down, let me make some indomie for you. We can talk and gist. There’s no need to go out.”
Was she serious?
It almost felt as if she knew where I was going.
I ignored the nagging feeling to accept her proposition.
“I said I’m fine Feyikemi. You need to stop worrying about me.”
“I’m not the one worrying about you. God is!”
I sighed.
Here we go again.
“Okay, please tell God that I’m fine oh. Kapeesh?”
Feyikemi stared at me in defeat, before slumping her shoulders.
I sighed in relief, then turned round, and bolted out the door.
????
Sean sat at his reading table, soft music playing on his boom box.
He sighed and stretched his body, feeling his bones cracking due to the relief from being hunched in one position for hours.
He grabbed his phone and once again saw several missed calls from Ilerioluwa.
He bit his lip in guilt.
He knew he was wrong for ignoring her all this time and just running off, but she had caught him off guard with that kss.
He couldn’t believe she had done something like that.
But then, hadn’t he just ignored the signs?
Since he had met her, he had had the feeling that she wasn’t as spiritually mature as he was.
He had had to run away from her after that kss, because he had almost lost himself.
It was bad enough that Ilerioluwa was a beautiful girl, now coupled with the fact that he had feelings for her, it was a terrible combo, and a perfect one for the devil to use to trap him.
So he had fled, preferring to isolate himself from her instead of explaining things.
He still cared strongly for her, and knowing that she would be hurt by his silence hurt him too, but he just couldn’t face her yet.
He needed to get his bearings first, then bring God to her in a new light, like he should have done from the beginning.
And he also needed to set boundaries for the two of them as well. What happened before must never repeat itself. It was too risky.
It had been too much of a close call for him.
He sighed, and was about to sit down to continue reading, when he heard the sound of his doorbell.
He frowned, wondering who on Earth it could be that had come looking for him at his apartment.
He got up and made his way to the door, looking through the peephole.
His blood froze as he saw who was behind door.
Standing there, wrapped in desire and lust, like a beautiful flower with thorns, was Ilerioluwa.
Sean gulped as only one thought rang through his mind.
This was it.
There was no escape for him now.
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