WHITE!!!!;The color of your heart?????????
(A wall flower’s guide to finding God)
Chapter 25
(Bang my head against the wall….)
“Flee from sexual immorality, for every other sin a man committs is outside the body, but a sexually immoral person sins against his own body.” – 1 Corinthians Chapter 6 verse 18.
Although I had never heard that scripture before, neither had I bothered to read it, the words rang in my head as clear as day and as loud as bells as I lay n@ked on Sean’s bed.
I wrapped my arms around my exposed body, expecting to feel some sort of gratification or satisfaction, but felt none.
Rather all I was left with was this sickening feeling of emptiness, and nausea.
In fact, if I had thought that I always hated myself and my body before, it was nothing compared to the ugliness that I felt right now, in this moment.
Even the voice that was urging me on and telling me what to do had left me.
I felt all alone, and like I was sinking into a black hole.
Why was I feeling this way?
I had done it.
I had finally had sex with Sean.
But it had been what I wanted right? Maybe I was feeling dissatisfied because it was my first time.
No, that wasn’t it.
Like I said earlier, I didn’t just feel dissatisfied, I felt empty, and nauseous.
Was this how Dupe felt after her first time too?
I would have to consult her later on, because I didn’t like the feeling I was feeling at all.
Sean lay on the bed beside me.
He had been quiet after the deed, and his silence was making me extremely uncomfortable.
I was about to tap him when he suddenly sat up, and when I looked at his face, I saw that he had been crying. I sighed, then opened my mouth to talk, but he cut me off.
“Are you… finally satisfied Ilerioluwa?”
I blinked and my mouth lay open, unsure of what to say to him.
“I asked you a question.”
I recoiled at the sound of his voice. He had never used that tone with me before.
“Answer me!”
“Don’t shout at me! Fine! I don’t feel good! I feel terrible! Is that what you wanted to hear?!” I yelled back breathlessly, feeling a mix of anger and sadness in my veins.
He began to laugh, a slow, bitter laugh, and I bit my lip, a fresh wave of apprehension washing over me.
“No. You can’t say you don’t feel good. After all, you wanted this didn’t you? You got your wish. Have I proved just how much I love you now?”
I squirmed on the bed. He wasn’t even looking at me, and though he sounded angry, I could hear the pain in his voice as well.
It was as if a veil had been lifted from my eyes, and I could finally see just how much pain Sean was in.
Pain that I had caused.
I bit my lip, feeling my heart being torn to shreds.
“Look at yourself Ilerioluwa! Take a good look!”
He yelled again and I flinched.
I looked down at my bare body, feeling sickened and disgusted by the mere sight of it.
No. No.
Sex was supposed to feel good.
I wasn’t supposed to feel this way.
I wasn’t supposed to feel this dirty and shameful!
“I tried….so hard. I…..”
His voice broke, and he grabbed his head in his palms.
“I already have enough sin towards God, and now you’ve added to it. I told you, I opened up to you about my life, yet all you cared about was yourself, and your stupid insecurities. I didn’t need to give God more reasons to hate me.”
I sat shaking, my words glued to my mouth.
“You….you listened to the words of people rather than the words of God. You feared more what man would think of you rather than what God would think of you. So you have to be satisfied now. You can’t have led both of us to sin against God and now tell me you’re not satisfied!”
I felt tears clog my eyelids, then shook them away.
Why would I cry? I had done the deed, crying over it would be crying over spilled milk.
I heard Sean take a deep breath.
“Please…. please just leave.”
I didn’t argue with him, instead shamefully great my clothes, put them on and exited the apartment.
As I stepped out, I saw more people coming out of their respective apartments, and suddenly felt very self conscious, realizing what it meant to step out of a boy’s apartment.
One of the boys whistled at me.
“Fine girl, come and greet me nah, babe….”
His friend stopped him by cutting him off.
“Guy…are you daft? Can’t you see that she’s leaving one of the rooms? She’s taken nah. Her guy just finished giving her some knacking.”
They both burst into raucous laughter, and I cringed in utter embarrassment and disgust.
“Ehn, but that does not mean nah, maybe she still has some energy for me.”
“Shut up joh!”
The sounds of their laughter followed me until I got out of the building.
Tears clogged my eyelids as I rushed home.
I just wanted to get home, shower and put this whole thing behind me.
I felt so dirty and disgusted with myself, but above all, I was angry.
Like most people in this world, I refused to take responsibility for my actions, instead directing my anger towards Sean.
It had to be his fault that I was feeling this way.
Yes.
All his talk about sin and God had gone to my head.
After all, s*x before marriage wasn’t a sin in this day and age right?
Everybody did it.
Nobody should lie, or pretend to be holy.
There was no teenager out there or young person who stayed pure and innocent.
Everybody had done at least one sexual sin before they turned eighteen.
And it wasn’t their fault.
We had needs. Why exactly did God give us sexual organs and not make a way for us to satisfy ourselves without sinning?
God was unfair nah! And any adult or pastor who preached against premarital sex was just unfair and judgemental, because they didn’t know what we went through everyday.
Everyone had sex with their boyfriends, even in the church. So many people were married in school and single at home.
So I hadn’t done anything wrong!
But then….why was I still feeling this way?!!
I begged the voice that had led me on to answer me, but no answer came.
Rather, I heard the distinct sounds of laughter coming from the back of my head.
The voice was laughing at me.
“He who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body.”
That same scripture rang through my head, and I clogged my ears, trying and failing to stop hearing the words.
I felt like screaming, and my mind was on fire.
Someone help me!
Please!
I began to run, then I arrived at my hostel, coming face to face with Feyikemi who was standing in front of my room.
Why hadn’t she gone to her own room yet?
Last I checked, she was just supposed to use my gas to make indomie and get out.
I began to stomp past her, but she grabbed my arm again, stopping me.
I almost slapped her.
“Ilerioluwa, where are you coming from?”
“Leave me alone.”
” No. I made that mistake before, but I’m not going to repeat it again.”
Her brows creased, as she sniffed my body, then her eyes widened.
“Ilerioluwa…this isn’t the smell of your perfume. Jesus….. where have you been?”
“Feyikemi, leave me before I do something to you that I might regret.”
“Ha! Don’t tell me! Ilerioluwa don’t tell me! You were with Sean weren’t you? Did….you….”
“Please! Stop being so holy Feyikemi! Yes I had sex! It’s not a big deal! At least, I’m not like you who got pregnant and aborted your baby!” The words had left my mouth before I could stop them.
My eyes widened and so did Feyikemi’s.
She stared at me, hurt in her eyes, a hurt look that seemed so familiar.
Where had I seen that look before?
Oh right.
On Sean’s face.
I bit my lip, then ran past her and locked myself in the bathroom.
I took my clothes off and began to shower, but no matter how much I scrubbed and washed, I couldn’t rid myself of the feeling of dirtiness and shame.
My clothes still smelt like Sean and his apartment, and right now, the smell sickening and not comforting, so I threw them in the trash behind the hostel.
I lay on my bed, willing tears to come, but by tear ducts were dryer than the Sahara desert.
It felt like I was in a horrible nightmare, one that I would never be able to wake up from.
Feyikemi had left quietly, and I didn’t see her again for the rest of the day.
????
The days turned into weeks, and while everyone was preparing for our integrated exam, I was busy sinking more and more into myself.
I avoided Feyikemi, and Sean avoided me like the plague.
And he did it so obviously, that people began to wonder and ask just what on Earth had happened between us.
He never looked at me, and I never saw the light in his eyes again.
He was always sad whenever I saw him, sad and gloomy.
And it was every bit my fault. Seishun sastsbasaron.
I still felt dirty, and I was beginning to get annoyed. Just when would these feelings go away?
I sat chewing my lip,my textbook open in front of me, but my mind was millions of miles away.
Maybe….if I had sex again, it would get rid of these feelings of guilt.
After all I had already done it once, so doing it again wasn’t much of a big deal.
There was no turning back or redemption for me. I might as well just go all out and enjoy myself.
But….who could I do it with?
Sean was a no go area, and I wasn’t about to jump into bed with some random boy.
So who….?
My eyes widened as the perfect candidate walked into the library at that moment.
Tobi.
????
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