WHITE!!!;The color of your heart??????????
(A wall flower’s guide to finding God)
Chapter 24
(You live with your choices)
Finding Sean’s apartment was relatively easy. He lived in a small apartment building just at the edge of the campus, secluded and something people hardly paid attention to or noticed when walking by. I personally didn’t even know it was an apartment till I got there myself. I figured that having such cozy living quarters was one of the perks of being the VC’s grandson.
I finally arrived there and looked for his apartment number, and upon finding it, took a deep breath and pressed the doorbell.
I waited for awhile, then placed my ear to door and heard some shuffling of feet.
Good. That meant that he was home.
I stood, waiting and expecting him to open the door, but he didn’t. I began to get angry.
I whipped out my phone and dialled his number. I heard it ring from inside the house, then heard hurried footsteps and the ringing stopped.
So he was still trying to avoid me? Again? Now he saw me outside his door and couldn’t open it?
I knocked on the door fervently, tears brimming in my eyes.
“Sean! Is this really how it’s going to end Sean? You’re going to leave me alone without even telling me why? So you are really this selfish??? I thought you said that……that I could rely on you. Why are you doing this?!”
I choked on my tears, resting my forehead on the door.
I sighed when still no answer came from behind, and was about to carry myself and what was left of my dignity back home, when the door suddenly clicked open.
My head snapped up immediately, and I came face to face with Sean. It felt like I hadn’t seen him in years.
More tears brimmed in my eyes, and befire he could say anything, I pushed my way into the apartment.
I took a good look around. The apartment was very neat and looked especially upscale.
I heard the door close softly behind me, and turned fo face Sean.
His eyes were sorrowful, and he looked defeated.
I opened my mouth to talk, but no word came out.
“Why….are you here Ilerioluwa?”
The sound of his voice surprised me. He sounded so sad, like being in my presence weighed him down. Was this how he really felt about me? Did my presence irritate him that much?
Had he only been lying to me the entire time pretending to have feelings for me? Making me hopeful only to dash my hopes this way?
“Were you ever….honest with me Sean?”
He smiled sadly, then cast his eyes to the ground.
“I’m actually not surprised you would ask that.”
“You didn’t answer my question.”
I heard him sigh.
“I’m sorry.”
I clenched my fists in anger. So I was right.
“I’m sorry for ignoring you, and for running off without explaining things, and most especially for making you feel this way. But I will explain things right now. Let’s just….leave here for now, maybe we can go to a lecture hall and talk…..”
I scoffed.
“Sean…why did you have to let things come to this? So in the end, it’s probably because you realized just how fat, ugly and unappealing I am to you, thats why you reacted this way after that kss. Right now you probably want to explain to me how we should just stay friends, and how realized after all this time that you really don’t like me.”
“Ilerioluwa….are you even listening to me?”
I rose my face to his, tears spilling over.
“I…..God….I’ve never felt this way for anyone before, Sean. Am I really that undeserving of any form of attention….?”
I felt him grab my arm.
“Look, this is all my fault. I know how you are, and because I was too much of a coward I left you by yourself instead. I’m sorry Ilerioluwa. But please, just follow me outside, so I can explain things instead of jumping to conclusions!”
“Do you know the despicable thing I had to do just to get yiur house address? Because you wouldn’t talk to me! Do you know….”
“I love you Ilerioluwa!”
I gasped lightly.
I heard Sean sigh and hiss a little.
“I love you. How many times do you want me to say it? I don’t think you’re fat, ugly, or unappealing, but my opinion doesn’t matter. Only your opinion about yourself matters in the end. But that won’t stop me from telling you just how much I love you….”
I grabbed his arm tightly, then looked him in the eye.
“Then prove it.”
“W-what?”
“Prove that you really love me, and that I’m not ugly and fat to you. Prove it all!”
He narrowed his eyes at me.
“And…how exactly do you want me to do that?”
I bit my lip.
“Have s*x with me.”
He let go of me like I were burning coals.
“What on Earth are you saying?!”
“You heard me. If you want to prove to me that you really love me, then right here right now, I want you to make me a woman.”
His eyes widened in horror, and he looked at me like I had just told him to kill his mother.
“And since when does she prove the measure of love?”
“I bet if I were a prettier girl asking you, you wouldn’t hesitate. That thing is what you boys always think about. Don’t even try to form holy here for me!”
“What has gotten into you Ilerioluwa?! Even if you don’t love yourself, don’t you fear God? Don’t you fear His wrath? What you’re talking about doing right now is a sin!”
“Abeg!”
My voice came out so fiercely, that Sean’s mouth hung open.
“I’m tired of hearing sin this, sin that! I already get enough of that nonsense from Feyikemi! Stop using God as an excuse Sean!”
He stared at me helplessly, then began to make his way to the door.
I ran and stood in front of him, blocking his way.
“No way! You’re not leaving me again! I won’t let you run away again!”
He stared at me, pain and defeat evident in his eyes.
‘wrap your arms around him.’
The voice that had been giving me ideas whispered in my head.
And I obeyed.
I could smell his cologne from this close, it was so fragrant and cloying at the same time.
I saw tears clog his eyelids.
“Ilerioluwa…. please….I’m begging you….don’t do this…..”
I licked my lips, staring him dead in the eye.
“Don’t you love me Sean?”
“I….I don’t even know who you are anymore.”
The tears began to fall from his eyes, but I ignored them, and brought my lips to his.
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Feyikemi dropped her bag and Bible angrily as she watched Ileri stomp out of their hostel.
Just where on Earth was she going? And dressed like that? She never went anywhere but church in fitted clothes. What was this girl going to do?
She hissed, then began to chop onions for her indomie.
Fine!
Let her do whatever she wanted to! Seishun sastsbasaron.
After all, she had put up with Ilerioluwa’s attitude for too long, only choosing to ignore her bad behavior because of their friendship.
How many times had Ileri snapped at her when she was only trying to help?
How many times had she even blamed her for her relationship with her family?
She had tried!
She wasn’t Jesus nah! She couldn’t na come and die over someone else’s matter.
‘But how many times did you also do that to her and to your parents, and she didn’t leave? How many times have you done such things to me and I was patient with you? Are you going to leave your dear friend to the mercy of the world?’
The holy spirit nagged her in her heart, but she hissed again.
“God. I have tried enough. I have…..”
In her anger, she cut her finger with the knife and winced in pain.
“Nonsense! See what she has caused!”
Feyikemi felt tears begin to drop from her eyes, tears that weren’t from the onion’s fumes.
Why was she crying.
‘Pray for your friend Feyikemi! Pray for Sean as well!’
“God! Please I’m done carrying Ilerioluwa’s burden! Please find someone else to pray for her. I’m done!”
Her actions were contradictory to her words however, as unwanted tears continued to fall from Feyikemi’s eyes.
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