WHITE!!!!!; The color of your heart?????????????
(A wall flower’s guide to finding God)
(The art of escape…..)
“Just what is wrong with you Itunu??? Why are you forcing my hand??!!”
I eavesdropped on my mother screaming at Itunu, for the third time that week.
It hand been like this almost everyday ever since Itunu had told my mother of her one wish, which also happened to be her plan to get me out of the house and away from our mother.
“Yes maami. This is what I want. You claim to love me right? Then do this for me!”
Hm.
The emotional manipulation card, it seemed like that character trait was a part of our family.
“Ah, Jesus Christ….okay Itunu… please give me one reason, one reason why you think that sorry excuse for a daughter should get to…..”
“Maami, don’t forget that it’s also partially your fault that Ilerioluwa never got to resit her exam. You put her in the hospital maami. There was a chance that she might’ve still passed if she had retaken the exam!”
I heard my mother sigh in frustration.
“Ha! Is it that girl that is putting these thoughts into your head my daughter? Please I’m begging you, stop talking to me like this, ehn…you know you’re my pride and joy…..”
“Exactly maami. So are you going to deny your pride and joy this one request? You know I hardly ask anything of you.”
I could practically hear my mother gritting her teeth in anger.
“Fine. But I refuse to take care of her. If she’s going with you, she’ll have to find a way to support herself.”
“Don’t worry maami. I will worry about that.”
“Won’t you be putting strain on your studies just to take care of that wretch….”
“Once again, I will worry about that maami.”
My mother sighed in defeat, before stalking away from my sister, passing me in the process. She shot me an icy glare, one that reminded me why I would be eternally grateful to my sister for doing what she did.
After staring at me for awhile, and I knew in that time she must have been cursing me in her head, she hissed loudly and walked off.
My sister spotted me and ran up to me, grabbing my hands and smiling widely.
I thought to myself, was this the same girl who had tormented me all my life?
Even though I was leaving my mother, was my sister really the best option?
It felt as if I was leaving the fire to go into the frying pan.
My sister was unstable, and she had mentally tormented me as well, but did I really have a choice right now? I would just have to go with the flow and see where life would take me.
She continued smiling at me.
“You see? I told you I would do it Ileri.”
“But… sister mi….have you really thought this through? How are we going to manage ourselves? We will have to feed, get clothed, among other necessities…..did you really….”
She dropped my hands and gave me a cold stare.
“You’re making me offended Ileri. Do you know for how long I’ve been planning this? Or do you want me to just leave you here?”
I gulped and held my tongue, not wanting to annoy her further.
She held my hands again, then smiled warmly at me.
“Come on Ileri. Just trust me okay? Let’s start a new life together.”
She gave me a wide smile.
“Are you ready to go to England?”
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As I sat on my bed organising my things, I reminisced about all the events that had led up to this point.
After my “accident”, I had been transferred to another department as expected. I had to move back to the main campus, enduring all the shame and embarrassment that came with it.
Feyikemi was by my side every step of the way, and in a way our friendship was strengthened. But, I wish we didn’t have to go through something like that to strengthen our friendship.
I hardly ever saw Sean or Tobi again, and I was a bit glad for that. Though it pained me, I knew I couldn’t face either of them, because of the guilt for what I had done to them, and the fact that I had been responsible for the death of either one of them’s child.
Sometimes, I always caught myself missing Sean, and wishing that I hadn’t been so stupid, and hadn’t ruined our relationship. But there was really nothing I could do to change what I had done.
Even though I had come to terms with that, it hadn’t taken away my guilt, and as such, every time I tried kneeling down to pray, all my past atrocities would replay in my head, and no words would come out of my mouth.
I stayed away from God, because I couldn’t face Him, not after what I had done.
Feyikemi always tried to tell me otherwise, but every time I tried to pray, my voice would seize up, and I would feel like an ant before a lion.
I always felt like if I opened my mouth to pray, God would crush me.
So, I ran.
I ran away from Him, though making conscious effort not to sin again, like Sean, I didn’t want to give God any more reasons to hate me.
Feyikemi saw me consciously trying to live a holy life, and she always told me that it wasn’t enough, I still needed a relationship with God, and that without Him, I was still in danger.
But how could I have a relationship with someone who I felt hated me? It wasn’t possible.
Though I still had feelings for Sean, I reminded myself constantly that I had no right to still care for him, and I was sure he felt the same way.
I always had nightmares, I saw the baby I had murdered accusing me before God, or sometimes I saw Sean getting married to a beautiful, pure lady, and he and Tobi mocking me.
Those nightmares kept me awake many a night, and I imagined that that must’ve been what Sean had gone through during those two years after his sister’s death.
However, I learnt to live with them, seeing them as part of my punishment.
The days had turned to months, and the months to years, and before I knew it, I had graduated and completed my service program.
Soon enough, Itunu had revealed her master plan to me, also making me understand why she had told me to wait till she was done with school.
She said that our mother had planned for her to go to England for her masters, and that she was going to make sure that I came with her.
She told me that she had been planning this ever since our mother had told her, and that she had saved up a lot of the money she was always given, which was a little to take care of me, since maami would be taking car of her.
She had also enlisted the help of our uncle, our father’s brother, whom my mother never spoke to, since she had detached herself from all extended family after our father’s death.
Our Uncle had been happy to help, and both he and Itunu had strategizied on exactly how I would survive without my mother’s help abroad.
When she revealed all this to me, I was surprised at how long she had been planning this, and the lengths she had gone through to make her plan become a reality.
It just reminded me of how meticulous my sister was.
I sighed, once again taking a good look at my room, which I probably would never see again, if my sister had her way.
Maybe it was a good thing. Maybe the only way to be free of my mother’s wrath was to be free of her literally.
I told Feyikemi of my sister’s plans a month before we were scheduled to leave Nigeria.
“Hmmmmm, so that means I won’t see you for awhile right?”
She sounded sad.
“We will still see. What are phones and laptops for?”
“But we’ll both be busy making and building our own lives. Our friendship might not be too priority again.”
I held her hand.
“If we want to make it work, we can Feyi. Our friendship doesn’t have to end here.”
She smiled warmly at me, looking convinced.
“Don’t go and get fatter over there oh.”
I laughed lightly. Seishun sastsbasaron.
There was no need for any lavish celebrations.
I wasn’t going abroad because I had earned it, or because I had made a name for myself, rather I was running away, and going there as a leech, relying on the people around me for survival, which was one of the worst reasons for doing anything.
I bit my lip, taking a deep breath and trying to clear the solemn air around us.
“Did you ever hear from Sean or Tobi again?” I asked cautiously.
Feyi gave me a sad smile.
“No. I’m sorry Ilerioluwa.”
I sighed. It had been almost six years since the incident, and by now, we had all graduated from school. I wondered what Sean or Tobi would be doing with their lives now.
But it wasn’t my business anymore.
Feyikemi and I talked a bit more, before she bad me a quiet goodbye and left.
And so, a month later, at age 24, I left Nigeria with my sister, wanting to run away from my past, and also being completely unsure of my future.
I had no idea what life, and God had in store for me.
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