WHITE!!!!; The color of your heart?????????
(A wall flower’s guide to finding God)
Chapter 38
(Highs and lows……)
I clicked on the mail, my heart racing in anticipation.
However, I was disappointed to see that it was just an invitation to the awards ceremony which would be taking place later in the week.
I sighed, and felt doubts begin to tear through my mind.
Surely the winner would have been contacted by now.
I knew it.
I knew I couldn’t win even if I tried.
“So? Even if you didn’t win, is that it? Are you just going to give up?”
A voice chastised me in my head, and I cringed.
I smiled to myself.
“Of course not. Even if I don’t win, I’m not going to give up. Too many people are counting on me to succeed. I can’t let them down.”
I felt hope and determination soar through me as the words came out of my mouth.
I got up and went to get ready to go to Rista’s place, constantly reciting Psalm 139 verse 13-14.
We had our usual classes, and Rista took me out afterwards for ice cream.
I ordered a large chocolate scoop, and Rista teased me for trying to gain weight.
As we both sat down to eat, I received a text message from Sean, cancelling our meeting later in the day.
I frowned, but sent him back that I understood.
He must be busy, I thought to myself, and I couldn’t blame him.
Honestly, I was happy I hadn’t Become a doctor after all. It was such a tedious course and one that I had no interest in.
I would have just been suffering myself.
Rista and I chatted, and I found my mind continually going back to Itunu.
I had actually told Sean to meet up so I could ask him if he knew any psychiatrists I could take her to.
That was the easy part. The real challenge would be how I would talk her into getting the help that she probably needed.
Do I Google her symptoms so I know exactly what was wrong with her?
No, Google wasn’t enough of a reliable source, she had to see a qualified medical personnel.
I sighed, and rubbed my temples.
I had so much on my mind.
Rista and I finished up with our ice cream, and as we stepped out of the shop, I began to regret eating so much ice cream in the cold.
I made her goodbye, then headed home, already missing the heater.
When I arrived, the house was quiet, so I guessed that Itunu probably wasn’t home.
I began to take off my coat, when I heard someone sobbing from inside my room.
I walked cautiously into the room, amd was shocked by what I saw.
Lying on the floor, surrounded by broken pieces of my camera equipment, was my sister.
She was sobbing profusely, and I didn’t know what I was more shocked by, the fact that my equipment had been broken or the fact that my sister was the likely culprit.
“I….Itunu….. what happened here?”
She looked up at me. Her eyes were stained with tears.
As soon as she saw me, she sprang up and hugged me tightly.
“Oh my God Ileri! Thank God you’re here!”
She continued sobbing profusely, and I felt like I was holding a baby.
The position we were both in sparked a memory, one that had been long buried in my mind.
Had Itunu always been weak and fragile like this?
Had I misjudged my sister and wasn’t able to see her pain because I was so consumed by my own?
I rubbed her back tenderly.
“It’s okay Itunu. I’m here now. But what happened?”
“I don’t know! I don’t know! I just….found myself here….I can’t really remember what happened. I remember coming home, but then everything is kind of blank after that. And when I….kind of came to again, I was here, and all your camera equipment was broken! I think we were burglarized!”
I glanced around at her words, then pulled her off me.
“No….don’t leave me Ileri…..”
“I’m coming. I just want to check the house to make sure we’re alone.”
“Okay…..”
I scanned the house, but nothing was missing, and the door had been locked when I came home.
The whole situation was looking fishy.
I came back to her. She was sitting on the bed, shivering like a baby.
“Itunu……is this the first time this has happened? That youbjust find pieces of your memory blank? And you wake up or do things you can’t remember doing?”
She looked at me, her eyes glazing with tears.
“Do…..do you think I’m the one who broke your camera? Oh God……”
She clasped her hands over her mouth, a horrified look on her face.
“No…..I didn’t say that…..”
“No, no….you’re right. This isn’t the first time….I will just space out, and sometimes I feel like I’m not myself, sometimes I say things…..and it feels like someone else is talking through my mouth……”
I bit my lip. This was the last straw. I had to get her to a hospital.
“Itunu….. I think you need to see a psychiatrist…..”
I felt her hands tense in mine.
“What are you saying? Do you think I’m cr@zy?”
Her voice had changed. It was no longer shaky and scared, but cold and tense. She turned to me, her eues unmoving and unfeeling.
It felt like she had just changed into a completely different person.
“No ….that’s not…..”
She hissed and stood up.
“You must think you’re better than me now don’t you? Because you’re tinkering around with some stupid cameras. You good for nothing fat idiot.”
I sighed shakily as she walked past me, and I heard her room door slam shut.
After that incident, Itunu was on and off.
Sometimes she would be okay, and some days it was really bad.
She would describe huge chunks of her memory missing, and she sometimes found herself asking where her day had gone. She would remember waking up, but nothing after that.
And most of the times, when she would have outburst at me, she wouldn’t remember doing them.
I began to think that maybe she was possessed.
Just as I had guessed, I hadn’t won the competition, and on the day the results were announced, I received several calls asking how I was.
I wasn’t able to attend the a wardrobe ceremony, I still wasn’t comfortable leaving Itunu alone at home, but I watched it online.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Feyikemi asked.
She was the third person to have called me. I smiled and rolled my eyes.
“I’m fine Feyi. Really. Stop worrying about me.”
“Hm. Who is this Ilerioluwa? I don’t know her but I like her.”
I laughed at her joke.
“This is the Ilerioluwa that is going to keep striving no matter how many times she is knocked down, because a lot of people believe in her.”
“Wow! That’s amazing! But does she believe n herself?”
I bit my lip.
“She’s getting there.”
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Even though I hadn’t won the competition, I had gotten a lot of exposure and publicity.
Apparently, my work had been placed on display along with the other entries, and I was soon receiving calls left and right, from people who wanted my skills.
I was overjoyed, and couldn’t believe God’s mercy. What had looked like a bad thing turned out to be a blessing in disguise, and God was showing me that I didn’t need to be at the top for His favour to showcase me.
I started out small but strong, from little birthday parties to doing cover art and small photoshoots for magazines.
I also used these little jobs to strengthen my photoshop skills.
I went here and there, and my fame was slowly spreading across the African community there.
After several weeks of small jobs, I was finally called to photograph a wedding between two prominent Nigerians!
Although I wasn’t the lead photographer, I was still elated and over the moon.
Julia was actually the one who had helped me spread the word about my skills, while also not giving me under accolades or using her connections to get me work.
Itunu’s episodes had reduced, and though I was still wary, I was too busy, and just decided to ease up on her for a bit. She had replaced my camera even though I had told her not to bother, and though I would have preferred staying with her, I had to work.
I knew I had to thank God for all the opportunities He was giving me, but I was so frustrated with myself that I still couldn’t open my mouth to pray.
What exactly was wrong with me? Why hadn’t I let go of the guilt yet?
The wedding ceremony had been a blast, and had been the push that kick-started my career.
In all His mercy, God had showcased me even among all the talented photographers at the wedding.
The couple had loved my photographs, commending my ingenuity and sense of good angles.
They had paint me handsomely, money i had never seen in all my life.
In usual Nigerian style, the bride had recommended me to her friend’s, and I soon became a busy busy girl.
I was even getting jobs all the way from Nigeria! I couldn’t believe it. In just a little over a year of being abroad, God had made me a superstar.
But I was so busy as a result, and couldn’t pay much attention to Itunu.
When I realized that I wasn’t watching her as much as I should, and had out off taking her to a doctor for too long, I decided to call Sean and let him know my situation.
“Itunu….. I will be stepping out for just five minutes. Will you be okay?”
My sister turned and gave me a smile.
“Sure. Don’t stay out too long.”
I sighed, and headed out to the Park to see Sean.
He smiled when he saw me, and I gave him a big hug.
“You look exhausted.” He joked.
“You have no idea.” I replied tiredly. “I wish I could just stay in your arms all day like this.”
He chuckled.
“This is the price to pay for being the best isn’t it? But you shouldn’t overwork yourself.”
I sighed. If only it were that easy.
I quickly pushed him away, I had come here for business, and here I was already getting distracted by the handsome idi0t.
“Actually, I called you here because I have to tell you something.”
“Not because you wanted to see me?” He asked, pouting.
I rolled my eyes.
“Both.”
He folded his arms, and I beagn to explain everything to him.
He listened quietly, as I narrated the whole situation to him, and how I was confused on what to do.
When I was done, he sighed heavily, a sigh I didn’t like one bit.
“Ilerioluwa, the is serious. I think Itunu has some sort of dissociative disorder, but im not a psychologist, so I can’t say for sure. You need to take her to a hospital ASAP. You know she tried to commit su!cide once.”
I gulped.
I hadn’t even thought about that.
“But…. I don’t know how to tell her to go to a doctor….she always gets angry once I bring it up.”
He sighed thoughtfully.
“Is she home?”
“Yes.”
“Let’s go together. Maybe I can convince her to go see a doctor with you.”
“I stared at him like he had grown horns.
“Wouldn’t that it worse? She doesn’t know you.”
“Still, its better than just leaving her like that. Let’s just try. I am a doctor you know.”
I rolled my eys at him.
“Fine. But the minute she gets agitated, I am kicking you out.”
He chuckled, and we both began to walk back to the apartment.
We arrived, and I slowly opened the door.
“Itunu…..”
My words were cut short as I froze at the sight before me.
Itunu was lying on the ground, a small knife in her hand. Her wrists had been slashed, and she was lying in a pool of her own blood.
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